Scheduled sex is coerced sex. Stop recommending it.
Putting sex on a calendar will not solve a couple's sexual problems, but it will often force someone to have sex they don't want.
Content note: This is a piece about men scheduling sex as a way to convince their partners to have sex with them. I also talk about therapists suggesting putting sex on the calendar as some sort of meaningful solution to sexless relationships. It is not about busy couples who have a weekly date night because they both want sex and want to make time for it. Please don’t argue in bad faith and pretend that’s what this is about.
A lot of heterosexual men are lying to themselves about sex. They claim to want more of it, yet refuse to do anything to actually make their partners want to fuck them.
What do they do instead?
They put sex on a calendar, and create yet another in a long list of obligations for their partners. Sex is just another thing he’s outsourced to her to manage. How very sexy. Or they go to couples counseling, where a therapist suggests that scheduling sex will somehow circumvent all of the issues the couple has with sex.
The results are predictably terrible.
“I don’t want to have sex with my husband because the sex is bad (or painful), he’s mean to me, he doesn’t pull his weight around the house, and [insert two or three other reasons, usually centering around hygiene, emotional abuse, and financial control]. But my husband just asked me if we can put sex back on the calendar.” This is the central thesis I hear from thousands of women.
My support group and inbox are both filled with questions about scheduled sex. I’m not referring to the busy couple who pencils in some weekly time together as a reminder to reconnect. There’s nothing wrong with this. I’m talking about scheduled sex as an obligation—and as a way to circumvent enthusiastic, spontaneous consent.
Lots of men—and unfortunately, nearly as many couples counselors—think scheduled sex is a great way to combat sexless relationships. The problem is that scheduling sex does nothing to address the underlying reasons a couple isn’t having sex.