All of the relationships except the one between Lorelai and Luke are deeply, deeply misogynistic. Dean is a classic abusive "nice guy." Bad man after bad man.
I’ve never commented on a Substack post before, but this resonated so much with me. All of your posts have been life-changing for me, but as a mother of two daughters this one really got me in an extra way. I’ve also been watching Gilmore Girls with my oldest daughter! I watched it initially in college and beyond when it first aired, and it’s shocking to look back and see how much the show affected my relationship choices. I was in love with Jess as a 21 year old, which makes me feel so sad now. It just goes to show how deeply patriarchal my dysfunctional upbringing was, as the child of a narcissistic father and codependent mother. That dynamic was my only example of love, in both my own family and the media I consumed. Of course I ended up marrying a covert narcissist who reminds me of Jess. 🙄
I was encouraged by this post because your advice is exactly what I’ve been doing with my daughter. We’ve always bonded over feminism, and from a young age she’s had very little tolerance for boys and their shenanigans. It felt validating that she instantly despised every male love interest on Gilmore Girls other than Luke. She’s only been attracted to girls and non-binary people so far, which I’m pretty pumped about. In real life she’s seen many permutations of what a family can look like, and she’s developed a pretty good sense of what works what doesn’t. Watching Gilmore Girls together has been the perfect catalyst for us to get even deeper into these conversations.
I know you said in your podcast that you don’t care to talk about pop culture, but I would die happy if you did an article about Gilmore Girls!! I’m also a fan of Emma Katz’s work, and I think her question about Paris and Doyle is a great one.
I’ve never watched Gilmore Girls, but The Financial Diet on YouTube has some good content regarding its problematic relationship and financial dynamics
So good. I've found that my encouragement when my girls are adults almost is more important than when they were kids. They get even more pressure as they age. The "when are you going to have kids" and "when are you going to get married" starts. I find that my willingness to support their singlehood and encouragement when they say they may not want to have kids is super important. It's hard to discourage relationships, but validating them when they think someone is gaslighting them is so critical. Being there to say, "You are NOT crazy" is so important.
I remember not thinking I could go home, and that put me in horrible positions as a woman. My kids all know they are always welcome here.
I also have taught my girls about separate property laws (we live in a community property state), and have taught them how to keep their money, homes, etc theirs and theirs alone. It served my one divorced daughter well. Unlike me, she kept everything, including HER house, which never had his name on it or money in it. Critical skills.
Prenups can be overturned after enough time. Be careful. Legally separate property is much easier to maintain.
I specifically chose not to have children (and so far, not to marry) because every man I engaged with intimately made it very clear he was going to perpetuate toxic patriarchy (redundant term, I suppose), and there was no way I wanted my children to be raised in a misogynistic home the way I was. I had say in that matter, and I used it. I wanted a child or two but this patriarchy WILL NOT GET MY CHILDREN because I gave it none. And I feel fantastic about it. My mother continues to perpetuate it now, even with my father and brothers deceased (from that very same toxicity). In fact, she has tripled and quadrupled down. I call that whoring for the patriarchy, and it enrages me beyond words, so if you have better short-hand for it, please advise. And thank you, overall just thank you.
This, a million times.
I'd love to know more about your Gilmore Girls critique.
Maybe we should do a GG watch party.
Yes! I definitely understand it on a broad level but would like to know more. I grew up watching and loved Gilmore Girls 😬
All of the relationships except the one between Lorelai and Luke are deeply, deeply misogynistic. Dean is a classic abusive "nice guy." Bad man after bad man.
What are your thoughts about Paris and Doyle?
I’ve never commented on a Substack post before, but this resonated so much with me. All of your posts have been life-changing for me, but as a mother of two daughters this one really got me in an extra way. I’ve also been watching Gilmore Girls with my oldest daughter! I watched it initially in college and beyond when it first aired, and it’s shocking to look back and see how much the show affected my relationship choices. I was in love with Jess as a 21 year old, which makes me feel so sad now. It just goes to show how deeply patriarchal my dysfunctional upbringing was, as the child of a narcissistic father and codependent mother. That dynamic was my only example of love, in both my own family and the media I consumed. Of course I ended up marrying a covert narcissist who reminds me of Jess. 🙄
I was encouraged by this post because your advice is exactly what I’ve been doing with my daughter. We’ve always bonded over feminism, and from a young age she’s had very little tolerance for boys and their shenanigans. It felt validating that she instantly despised every male love interest on Gilmore Girls other than Luke. She’s only been attracted to girls and non-binary people so far, which I’m pretty pumped about. In real life she’s seen many permutations of what a family can look like, and she’s developed a pretty good sense of what works what doesn’t. Watching Gilmore Girls together has been the perfect catalyst for us to get even deeper into these conversations.
I know you said in your podcast that you don’t care to talk about pop culture, but I would die happy if you did an article about Gilmore Girls!! I’m also a fan of Emma Katz’s work, and I think her question about Paris and Doyle is a great one.
I’ve never watched Gilmore Girls, but The Financial Diet on YouTube has some good content regarding its problematic relationship and financial dynamics
So good. I've found that my encouragement when my girls are adults almost is more important than when they were kids. They get even more pressure as they age. The "when are you going to have kids" and "when are you going to get married" starts. I find that my willingness to support their singlehood and encouragement when they say they may not want to have kids is super important. It's hard to discourage relationships, but validating them when they think someone is gaslighting them is so critical. Being there to say, "You are NOT crazy" is so important.
I remember not thinking I could go home, and that put me in horrible positions as a woman. My kids all know they are always welcome here.
I also have taught my girls about separate property laws (we live in a community property state), and have taught them how to keep their money, homes, etc theirs and theirs alone. It served my one divorced daughter well. Unlike me, she kept everything, including HER house, which never had his name on it or money in it. Critical skills.
Prenups can be overturned after enough time. Be careful. Legally separate property is much easier to maintain.
I specifically chose not to have children (and so far, not to marry) because every man I engaged with intimately made it very clear he was going to perpetuate toxic patriarchy (redundant term, I suppose), and there was no way I wanted my children to be raised in a misogynistic home the way I was. I had say in that matter, and I used it. I wanted a child or two but this patriarchy WILL NOT GET MY CHILDREN because I gave it none. And I feel fantastic about it. My mother continues to perpetuate it now, even with my father and brothers deceased (from that very same toxicity). In fact, she has tripled and quadrupled down. I call that whoring for the patriarchy, and it enrages me beyond words, so if you have better short-hand for it, please advise. And thank you, overall just thank you.
I don’t think the patriarchy suddenly comes alive once you sign a marriage certificate. For me, the key was living together before marriage.
My husband and I lived together for a year before getting married, and our wedding day didn’t change anything—our life continued as before.
What truly brought change and tested our unconscious patriarchal biases was having kids.