Signs your 'nice guy' isn't actually a nice guy (paid subscriber bonus)

Niceness isn't an identity, and a man who performs charm rather than investing in real relationship work is not nice--or fuckable.

“Women hate nice guys.” It’s one of the most common complaints you’ll hear on every misogynist message board ever. And often, these complaints are accompanied by violent, sexist, demeaning commentary about women. Somehow, a man can fantasize about killing a woman, argue that she deserves to be raped, and earnestly believe himself to be a nice guy.

Jonah Hill did it, too. He insisted he treated his girlfriend “incredibly,” and “beautifully,” in a text thread in which she outlined the many ways in which he very much did not treat her well. To him, the only opinion of how he treated her that mattered was his own. Because men like this view “nice guy” as a personal identity, not as a collection of actions. These men get to decide they’re nice because that’s how they feel, and the women who call out their objectively mean actions are just bitches who deserve abuse.

No wonder being a “nice guy” doesn’t actually mean anything. This fake nice guy syndrome permeates every aspect of dating and marriage, and is a key entry point to abusive marriages, household inequality, and misery.

If you find yourself marveling at how nice a man is, it suggests that you are impressed by decent treatment, and likely have a history of being treated poorly. This means that bad treatment feels normal to you, and anything less than overt abuse is going to feel like worship. Women experience all kinds of maltreatment, but because it’s not technically abuse (yet!), they round the guy up to nice and get involved with him anyway.

Something else is going on with this fake nice guy syndrome, too. Usually what we really mean when we say a guy is “nice” is that he is clean-cut, has hit the standard milestones for his age (such as by being in college or having a job), and often, that he has financial resources. We talk about how someone “looks” nice, or comes from a “good” family, when what we really mean is that they signal the right class status.

Superficial displays of niceness are distracting. They’re also highly effective, because “nice” guys will rope in your family and friends, convincing them to convince you to stick with the relationship. You’ll be left questioning yourself if you have any doubts at all, and in many cases, you’ll never have a single doubt because your partner plays the nice guy role so well.

So how do you know when it’s all an act?