The push-pull dynamic: Why it's a red flag, and why sexist men so often weaponize it
No, he's not commitment-phobic or mysterious. He's just an asshole.
He seems wonderful. He’s attentive, hot, and interested in you. He listens to what you have to say, seems smart and insightful, and has all or most of the qualities you want in a partner. He’s into you, too, making you feel loved, valued, and heard.
And then, one day, he’s gone. He disappears for a time—sometimes just hours, sometimes days or weeks—and his disappearance is enough to make you question yourself and the relationship.
That is, until he returns again. This time, he’s even more desirable, even more likable, and you’re wondering what he could possibly be doing when he disappears. Is it you? Is he a commitment-phobe? Does he have trauma? You’ll spend endless hours trying to dissect the reason behind his behavior.
It can make you feel like you’re losing your mind—and that, in turn, may cause you to ignore red flags and suspend critical thinking about his behavior.
This is exactly what he wants.
This is the push-pull dynamic. And it is a dangerous red flag that a relationship is unsalvageable.
So why is this dynamic so harmful? And how can you recognize it before you get swept up in it?
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