The toxic messages our culture gives women: "Just give him a chance! Keep trying!" (paid subscriber bonus)
We tell women they owe men a chance. Then we wonder why so many women end up trapped in abusive relationships.
Last night I was scrolling through a message board where a woman had posted her husband’s most recent failing: He washed her kid’s freshly tie-dyed-at-school clothes with a pile of whites. Predictably, all the clothes were ruined—including her husband’s own dry-clean-only work shirts, assorted socks, and other basics the family needed to get through the week.
And what did her husband do? Did he promptly apologize, rush out to replace the damaged clothing, and berate himself for making a mess of a simple project? No, this prince of a man got angry with his wife for not standing over his shoulder and reminding him how to do fucking laundry. And I’m sure if she actually had done what he was angry at her for not doing, he then would have accused her of being a nag.
So what did the other moms on the forum say?
“At least he tried.”
It’s not that the bar for men is low. It’s that there isn’t a bar. Literally anything they do garners praise, even when they’ve actively caused harm. The mere act of being a man with a pulse is all it takes.
So it comes as no surprise that the messaging women get basically from birth is that they owe men a chance. The very idea that a woman could owe a man a piece of herself as a reward for “trying” (read: existing) is inherently dehumanizing. It prioritizes men’s wants above women’s needs, treating women as prizes rather than human beings.
The exhortation to give men a chance dismisses women’s needs and feelings. It also causes women to second-guess every relationship decision.
Here’s why this cultural norm is so toxic—and what you can do when people guilt you for not giving men a chance.