Toward a better 2022
When my mom died, she had set things up such that each of us immediately got a small sum of money to do with as we wanted. I started buying rare succulents. I don’t know why, exactly. It just felt like the thing to do. Then I started propagating them.
If you don’t know, you can make a new succulent—or many new succulents—from an old one by pulling off a leaf, letting it dry for a few days, then putting it on top of soil and misting regularly. The babies are adorable, and look like this:
In spite of doing this for a year, and growing succulents for decades, I had never heard of rooting hormone. It’s propagation magic that makes your succulent babies grow faster. I started using it a few weeks ago, and I have more baby succulents than I know what to do with.
A small change that made a big difference. A little slice of knowledge I should already have had, but didn’t. These are the things I am focusing on this year.
This Substack is part of that—a new way to offer up [hopefully useful] information.
I’ll be writing these weekly, to send out on Friday. You can subscribe to the whole newsletter, or just to Feminist Advice Friday. You don’t have to pay to see the content, but I’ll be offering some additional benefits to subscribers: a chance to ask and see published one Feminist Advice Friday question per year to monthly subscribers, and an annual video conference call for founding members.
This newsletter is a way to avoid continuously being censored by Facebook, so you’ll see a lot of the content I’ve posted there here, as well as other stuff. In the early weeks, I welcome feedback on the type of content you’d like to see. In general, I plan to post the following:
A roundup of some of my favorite pieces I’ve either written or revisited during the last week
A list of interesting articles I’m reading
Occasionally, other recommendations, like book recommendations or favorite gardening products
Completely random reflections on life, including a bit more personal content about my family and life
The same sort of content I post on Facebook and other channels—sometimes replicated, sometimes additional content
Feminist Advice Friday, so Facebook can’t keep censoring and shadowbanning it
These newsletters may be long, so a tip: If there’s a specific feature you’re in it for, simply hit ctrl+f on your keyboard, then type in the keywords you’re looking for.
Feminist Advice Friday: On Setting Boundaries With a Partner
Photo by Kevin Butz on Unsplash
A reader asks…
What are some boundaries we can set with our spouses that stop short of threatening to leave? I see so many discussions of boundaries, but I also feel that an immediate threat to leave isn’t appropriate in all contexts. What sorts of boundaries should we consider?
My answer…
A reader actually posted this in the comments to a post, which I can no longer find because Facebook is rarely fully functional these days. So if this is you, thank you for the exceptionally thoughtful question.
Boundaries have become a trendy topic in the self-help community, with a lot of people obsessing over exactly how many boundaries they can draw and how many people against whom they can enforce these boundaries. I don’t think this is healthy. Relationships are intimacy-seeking endeavors, and the healthiest relationships don’t need a lot of visible boundaries.
When I think on my relationship with my husband, I initially have trouble identifying any boundaries at all, because we just sort of naturally respect each other without much need for enforcement. Rest assured, though, those boundaries are there. It’s understood that we can’t hit each other or call one another names. He knew that complaining about his own exhaustion when I gave birth to our children would be totally unacceptable.
So I guess what I’m saying is that, when things are going well in a relationship, the boundaries are often invisible. It’s good to talk about expectations in a relationship, but you might not need these conversations to happen very often if you’re both basically respectful of one another and share similar values.
When you’re thinking about boundaries, one or more of the following is likely happening:
The person has already violated a stated boundary (like by cheating).
You have a significant divergence of values (such as when one of you wants to let the baby cry it out and the other is strongly opposed to this).
You are being mistreated, and looking for a way to stop it.
Your partner is gaslighting you to make you think that a normal, typical, healthy expectation (like that he help raise the children he made) is unreasonable.
So before we even get into setting these boundaries, I think it’s important to be honest about why you need them, or why the need for them has suddenly become more visible.
So what about setting boundaries? I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:
Boundaries are not for the other person. They’re for you.
Boundaries are rules about what you will do if the other person harms you, attempts to harm you, or ignores your needs. They’re not threats or punishments. They’re strategies to protect yourself.
Some general boundaries that you can make more specific to your situation include:
A resolution not to react to specific behaviors. For example, if your partner agrees to get up with the baby every night, but acts mad about it, you might ignore the behavior rather than trying to fix it, especially if you believe the anger is a manipulative tool designed to get you to tell him nevermind.
A commitment to ignoring certain behaviors. Behaviors we don’t reinforce in others often go away. For example, if your spouse continuously texts you when you’re out with friends because they want to control you, you could just ignore the texts, or commit to responding only every hour or two.
A plan for how you will respond to problematic behaviors. A lot of boundaries involve planning ahead of time the scripts you will use when someone does something mean or unkind or harmful. For instance, the next time your spouse complains about a meal you’ve made, you might tell him that he can either stop complaining or make the meal himself.
A clear and specific conversation for things you need (or don’t need). People who love us should know what we want without a lot of discussion, right? Nope. You can live with someone for years, adore them more than life itself, and still fundamentally misunderstand their needs, especially when those needs deviate from dominant cultural scripts. Setting boundaries should always begin with identifying your needs, then clearly and specifically communicating them to your partner.
Another way to decide which boundaries you need is by asking yourself some of the following:
What are my most important values, and how is my relationship a reflection of them? What do I expect my partner to do without thinking or questioning? For a lot of people, these values center around honesty, monogamy, and basic love and support.
What can I do to protect myself from my partner’s shortcomings? What actions can I take to make these shortcomings feel less harmful?
Does my partner know what I need? Am I sure?
How can I build in more support for sticking to my boundaries?
What am I willing to do if my partner does not honor my boundaries?
As always, we are smarter as a group so please share your own suggestions in the comments.
Something I Hope You’ll Remember This Week
You're going to see a lot of shaming and "rise and grind" posts over the next few weeks from people who want to make more money or lose more weight.
It's ok if you don't want to do those things.
It's ok if you can't do those things.
As you see these posts, remember this: Money is not a legacy. Weight loss is not success. One of the few things that can outlive us is how we treat others--what we give, what we share, how we love.
Kindness, advocacy, courageous allyship. These are the real legacy. The real hard work. We live on in direct proportion to how much we improve the lives of others.
So if someone is shaming you for the number on the scale or the figure in your bank account, they have already failed at creating anything of lasting value.
On Liberating Motherhood
"Men just parent differently."
Or clean differently, or communicate differently, or any number of other basic human functions differently.
It's just one more excuse. Almost always, what the person really means is not that men do things "differently," but that they do them in a way that demands more work from women.
Your husband isn't parenting differently when he forgets to feed the kids or help them with homework or put them to bed on time or pick them up from school or enforce limits on screen time. He's parenting badly.
Your boyfriend isn't grieving differently when he refuses to acknowledge your sadness about a miscarriage. He's been a trash partner.
Your partner isn't cleaning differently when he leaves crumbs all over the counter and shoves toys in random locations. He's doing less work because he knows you'll do it yourself.
It's feigned incompetence. It's buying free time with a partner's free labor. And it's not acceptable.
The y chromosome does not carry a laziness gene, or an unable to communicate or clean gene. Plenty of men across the globe, now and always, have parented equally, cleaned homes, talked about their emotions, supported their partners to grieve, and much more.
Don't buy it.
Recommended: Read These Pieces by Me This Week
Hello! You've Reached the Not All Men Hotline!
If you’re tired of being accused of hating men, of “special shoutout to my fabulous man for changing a diaper,” and of a world where dads earn lavish praise for managing not to kill their children, this is the post for you.
Every Pregnancy is a Threat to the Life of the Mother
Even anti-choice activists usually say that abortion should be legal when it threatens the life of the pregnant person. But with rising maternal mortality and a collapsing maternity care system, every pregnancy potentially threatens a life.
Around the Web: The Best Pieces I’ve Read This Week
This preprint study compares outcomes in adults and children in the Delta and Omicron waves of COVID. If you’re an anxious parent who is sick of reading information through someone else’s biased filter, this is one of the few pieces of published data I’ve stumbled across on this topic.
There’s No Such Thing as a Pro-Life Feminist
Anti-choice politics kill. No asterisk or qualification needed.
Dear Mothers: We Can’t Keep Pretending This is Working for Us
Beth Barry, author of Motherwhelmed, wrote this before the pandemic. It’s making the rounds again and feels truer than ever.