We're divorcing, but my ex expects me to manage his calendar: Feminist Advice Friday
A reader's ex wants her to continue managing the family calendar.
A reader asks…
I'm in a divorce process and a hot topic is over the family calendaring task. We are moving along generally amicably, but of course, there are plenty of things he's done to prove himself not terribly reliable or responsible, etc.
Right now we have a digital family calendar, that I have largely been the manager of for years. Now that we're living separately, he is asking me to "add a special reminder" to certain items for him on the calendar. He thinks it's "just clicking a button." But of course, it's much more than that. I want to move away from having to give him special reminders for things he needs to show up to, related to the family. He's pretty good at doing the things during his parenting time, but there are other things, such as IEP meetings for one child, and even divorce mediation appointments.
There are all kinds of things on the calendar he should at least be aware of, or he should look at the calendar before he does things that will affect me. I want him to look at the calendar himself, remember his own things, and manage his own time. He keeps insisting it's "crazy simple."
I mean, I'm ok with clicking the reminder button for the more critical things.. for now, but I want him to move toward more independence in this area. I really want to avoid being blamed for HIM not showing up at something on time. I also have ADHD myself! My head just starts to spin too much with taking on what feels like now EXTRA mental load around this, it is bad enough with simply divorce, new schedules, etc.
Anyway, here is what I am talking about as far as it not being "just clicking a button." The tasks involved:
-Having to decide to give one, or more reminders; and how much time in advance is needed for each
-Taking driving times into consideration; having to consider where he might be and how long it would take to drive
-Deciding and weighing which things really need the reminder
-There are times where I'm typically more flexible and able to take the kids for a few hours, but I want him to look at the calendar to see if I'm booked before asking me about these things. Then I have to consider, do I need to remind me "I've got an important booking during x time period, do not disturb" kind of thing.
-Certain kids school activities
-There's more, but my brain is fried!
I've written this all out for him before, via text, and he disregarded it / didn't read it, whatever, kept insisting it was "so simple." Now he's doing it again. I've told him I'm done explaining it. I already spent time and energy doing that and he just disregarded it. Now I'm finding myself trying to google a good essay or description of all that's involved in family calendar keeping...to explain it to him in someone else's writing... too much labor! I didn't find much except for ads for apps, or general articles on mental load. So... if you have any such resource, I'd be grateful, but then I thought, I'll just contact you and see if it's something you want to write about, or you may want to write a response to what I'm writing here. I know at least you will read what I've written here, understand it, and treat it with the regard that it deserves.
My answer
Your ex knows that this is not a simple task. That’s why he wants you to keep doing it. The absolute audacity of this man, to demand that you continue acting like his personal secretary, to prevent him from suffering, or from looking like the incompetent buffoon he so clearly is.
You ask about an essay or other resources to convince him, but that’s the wrong approach. It’s just more labor. Telling women they need to communicate more or better, or find the right essay or the right words or the right therapist is a distraction that buys men more free labor as they feign ignorance.
You have already told him why this is a problem for you. He either chose not to listen, or he doesn’t care—probably two of the reasons you’re divorcing him.
I’d also like to draw readers attention to something: She has ADHD. So often we jump to neurodivergence to explain male bad behavior. We diagnose fake autism or ADHD to explain away real abuse. It’s an inherently ableist action, since exploiting others has nothing to do with either diagnosis. Neurodivergent women never get a pass, as evidenced by this letter.
So what do you actually do?
You stop doing work for this man. You no longer have to.
You are currently providing him with an accommodation that allows him to appear more competent, present, and fastidious than he actually is. Why would you do that? I he doesn’t show up to divorce mediation, that is his problem, not yours. It’s not your job to help him look good, or to protect his image in the eyes of your children or anyone else.
I’d like you to continue doing this task as you have for another week. Tally up all the individual tasks in doing this task, and then list exactly how much time it took you to manage King Baby’s schedule for him.
Then show him this documentation in an email. Tally up how much time each week would take out of a year, and then point out what you could do with all of that time. Tell him that he is no longer stealing your life and time now that you’re divorcing, and that beginning right now, you will no longer manage any aspect of the family calendar.
Then, with exceptions for matters of true urgency—the specialist you’ve been waiting three months to get your kid into, that sort of thing—let him fall flat on his face.
I guarantee he’ll begin managing his schedule in no time at all.
And if he doesn’t?
Then enjoy watching him be the incompetent jerkass he’s always been.
Enjoy your freedom. Welcome to the rest of your life. Congratulations on your divorce.
No is a complete sentence.
I made lovely color coded visitation wall calendars so that he would remember, and he would still ask instead of looking. The only point to this exercise is wasting your time. He won’t see the reminders, or he’ll say they didn’t show up in his notifications. If he wanted to remember, he would.
I wouldn’t even take the time to “tally” my time (I would have in the past, but no longer). I would just say no, it’s your responsibility to manage your life. I think a large part of patriarchal conditioning (and narcissism) is that men never have to grow up and become mature adults. It’s so obvious everywhere if you have eyes to see, and this content has helped me have eyes to see, so grateful. Wishing you all the best, and enjoy not having a man child.