What does conflict look like in a healthy relationship?
Conflict is an inevitable aspect of life, love, and living together. It's how you handle the conflict that matters.
My husband and I got into an argument last night. I was really fucking angry, and I told him so.
But he didn’t lash out and verbally abuse me, or break things, or threaten to leave me, or turn things around on me, or give me the silent treatment, or insist he was entitled to immediate and unquestioning forgiveness solely because he wanted it.
He apologized. We talked through it. And then we went on to enjoy the rest of our night.
My husband, you see, is not a low-value whining manchild who thinks I exist to serve him and he exists to take. As a result, we both get more out of the relationship—more fun, more joy, more opportunities in life, more sex, and a better life.
Patriarchy, you see, hurts men, too. Men who act like assholes in their relationships end up in high conflict relationships that make them miserable, deprive them of sex, and erode their health.
It’s in everyone’s interest to deal with conflict like rational, loving adults. Yet many of my readers tell me they have never once had the experience of calmly and rationally working through a conflict with a man. So people have, for a long time, asked me what conflict looks like in my marriage. I don’t have all the answers, and I am not perfect. But I know that the way we handle conflict looks a lot different from what I see in other women’s relationships.
Here’s what nearly 15 years with a feminist man have taught me about healthy conflict.