What is marriage really like? The data on marriage and long-term relationships
Things are so much worse than we admit.
The data is here! About three thousand of you answered my questions about marriage and long-term relationships. I’ve compiled the most interesting and relevant data into a second version of my original marriage survey. You can read all of the surveys I have conducted here.
About This Survey
This survey is imperfect, offering only a snapshot of a specific group. First and foremost, this is not a scientific survey. I don’t have the resources for that. But many, many surveys—including some published in scientific journals—use unrepresentative samples. So I consider this a starting point for research, not the final word. Don’t treat it as the final word.
Most published data on this issue is extremely problematic. The sample size is small; the questions are biased; the data is unrepresentative. Moreover, it is rare for researchers to delve deeply into what marriage is like for women. They ask only if we’re happy or being physically abused, but not much else. Society disregards women’s experiences, especially if they are mothers. So I hope that rather than dismissing this survey as unscientific, you’ll consider how hard it is to find any study that gets in depth the way this one does.
The sample was entirely self-selected, which is a problem. However, my audience data shows me that my audience is generally representative of women living in the United States (though I have a larger percentage of Black readers than are present in the general population). Male readers are just 3% of my audience, and I had only 20 men take my survey. 2,683 women participated.
I do not believe my survey skews toward people with bad marriages, for a couple of reasons:
My data aligns perfectly with peer-reviewed data. For example, published research suggests that at least 20% of marriages are physically violent; my data shows a similar figure.
My survey data has remained incredibly consistent across surveys, suggesting strong replicability even with different samples of varying sizes.
While it’s true that women in bad marriages are drawn to my work, my audience is a feminist audience, and includes many women who have chosen feminist marriages. Feminist marriages are virtually unheard of in the general population.
If you object to my surveying methods as inadequate, I welcome your offers of help. You can email me with details about how you would like to assist with the next survey.
Some other notes:
I’ve tried to deliver the results in several different formats. I’m including a number of images for people who prefer to take in information in this format. These are designed to be shareable (so they make reference to the survey and include a link back to my Substack). Because images can be inaccessible, though, I have also written out the information each image contains. You have my permission to share these images, but only if you credit me and link back either to my Substack, my Instagram, or my Facebook. You can also find more images on my social media pages, where I will be sharing the data in the coming weeks.
About 15% of my readers were in non-heterosexual marriages. Overwhelmingly, these marriages were peaceful and equitable. Many of these readers, however, took the survey about a prior relationship, and indicated in the notes that they had done so.
There may be minor (one percentage point or less) differences between the data in the images and the data in writing. This is because I began developing these images before I closed access to the survey. The written data is the most up to date.
What struck me most was the consistency of data. The percentage of domestic labor women say they do has remained consistent across every survey I have done; other numbers are also similar, which to me suggests that the data are valid and replicable.
Finally, this email is really long because there’s a ton of data. So if you’re receiving this message in your email, your email server may truncate it. Just click on the link to view in the web browser when you reach the end.
Developing this survey, compiling and analyzing the data, and publishing it represents dozens of hours of work. The only way to do this is to charge for it, and I choose to charge readers rather then be beholden to advertisers or an editor. Paid subscribers can read the now. Becoming a paid subscriber also gains you access to my massive backlog of paid content, a support group, and extra content.