In this newsletter…
Intro and miscellaneous thoughts
Administrative updates, where to find me, other miscellaneous info
Celebrating my mom’s birthday
Feminist Advice Friday
Work worth reading
This week I asked my followers on Facebook about their experiences with mom-shaming. One of the most striking things was that the majority of the responses came in the form of direct messages, because so many people were concerned about family members seeing their posts.
Not only does motherhood mean being constantly judged; it also means fear of being judged for sharing those experiences and naming them for what they are. Because not only are the people who judge us often those who are closest to us; there’s also a small but aggressive cadre of people who assert they have never been mom-shamed because their own choices are so superior.
You told me stories about being shamed for breastfeeding, and then for not breastfeeding, often by the same people. One person told me how, at the same event, she was shamed for her child’s socks, then shamed for taking them off. Partners were primary culprits, and they often used shame to excuse their own failure to equitably parent. There’s the dude who wanted his wife to sleep train their child, but who didn’t want to get up in the middle of the night or hear even a hint of crying. Or the dude who was jealous of his wife breastfeeding his child, but who also did not want to give his wife any down time.
In a misogynist society, mom-shaming is not an accident. It is a tool of control and oppression, because one of the very worst things a woman can be is a bad mother. And sooner or later, that’s something almost all of us get accused of being.
In patriarchal motherhood, no matter what you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong. Do something different, and that’s wrong, too. Meanwhile male partners are absolved of all responsibility.
So the next time someone mom shames you, try asking what purpose the shaming serves. There’s always an underlying motive—and it usually involves escaping blame, establishing superiority, and/or controlling women.
Administrative updates
The big update is that I will be starting a podcast, and plan to debut my first episode in early April. The focus will be the same as my page, but with in-depth interviews and lots of ranting. I welcome thoughts on topics you’d like to see me discuss in more detail. Send them my way via zawn.villines@gmail.com, or by commenting on this newsletter.
If you follow me closely, you’ve probably noticed I’m experimenting a lot with new platforms and new ways of posting. The algorithm shifts on Facebook are such that many of my followers never even see most of my updates. I’d rather people get to choose what they see and don’t see, rather than relying so heavily on Facebook. I’m also just generally trying to expand my reach and push outside of my comfort zone. So there are a whole bunch of new places where you can connect with me or see new and different work. A quick rundown:
Substack. But of course, you already knew that because you’re reading. If you’re a free subscriber, you can help support my work and give me more time to write by becoming a paid subscriber.
Facebook. Facebook is still by far my most active and engaged platform.
Liberating Motherhood support group. I now offer a moderated support group for people who share my values and who want to have more feminist marriages and equitable lives. To keep trolls out, I charge a $5 monthly fee which you can pay by subscribing to my Substack. However, I will NEVER turn away anyone for lack of funds. So If you want to join, please message me. Or apply for membership and put a note in the membership questions. Important note: Facebook will auto decline your membership request, and I will never even see it, if you don’t put something in all three membership questions.
My Blog: I post #feministadvicefriday here every week, as well as loads of other content.
Twitter: I don’t really use Twitter. I guess that might change if a lot of my followers want me to move over there, but for now it’s just a placeholder.
Instagram: I’m still figuring out how to make an image-intensive platform more amenable to my writing, but I’ve started posting more content here.
Celebrating My Mom’s Birthday
This glorious human is my mom. She’s supposed to turn 72 on Sunday. Instead, she died a year ago of a rare early-onset dementia. I have written extensively about the shock of caring for someone with dementia, as well as what I wish I had known when she was diagnosed.
This weekend, though, I’ll be celebrating her wonderful life by gorging myself on chocolate milk and peanut butter-smeared cinnamon toast while regaling my daughter with stories of the time my mom trapped a congressman in an elevator and threatened him into voting the way she wanted him to. I loved her. I love her. I miss her.
She was brilliant, and a writer in her own right. I’ve discovered much of what she wrote in the corner of her attic, and in honor of her birthday, I published one piece about motherhood on my blog. If you like my work, you’ll like hers.
Feminist Advice Friday: My Husband and I are Separated, but I’m Still Parenting Him
A reader asks…
My husband and I had our first child seven years ago, and then number two arrived in 2018, right after I discovered Husband's infidelity. He claims it was only emotional, but the text messages alluded to something physical either having already happened, or was about to. Husband has worked either part-time or full-time since 2014, and I have taken care of everything at home. Cleaning, cooking, child care, paying bills, scheduling appointments, organizing visits with his family (my family all live a few hours away, and I haven't been home to see them in approx 6 years currently). I have 1 friend left in town, and we get to see each other every few months, where we go out for pedicures and lunch while the kids are in school. We decided to separate in early 2019, but because #1 had been diagnosed with special needs and #2 was still so little, we chose to remain living together for their benefit. We don't fight or argue very much, but Husband handles NOTHING of the household load, and very little childcare, even though the kids are 7 and 4 now.
I have stayed this long because with his work schedule, it would be almost impossible for him to see the kids or spend more than 1 day a week with them (he works Saturdays, so would only get to see them Sundays and after school on Tuesdays). We both grew up without fathers present in the home, although through different circumstances. I didn't want my kids to go through that too, so I've bit my tongue on the fact that his chores rarely get done, and if they do, they don't get completely done ( i.e., he takes out the trash from 4 of the 5 trash cans in the house, or puts the plates, cups, and silverware away, but not the pots and pans).
Is this the spousal abuse you are talking about? Did I bring this on myself by staying so he could have access to his kids? At the end of the day, I feel like I'm drowning trying to do all the things and be all the things, while he sits talking to his friends and playing video games. What do I do?
My answer…
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. You are in an abusive relationship.
Let’s review: You are with a man who cheated on you when you were pregnant with his child. Rather than showing remorse or trying to fix it, this man has escalated his pattern of household abuse such that you are now doing everything. And he has convinced you it is your responsibility to continue doing everything in perpetuity so that he is not inconvenienced by having to rearrange his schedule to spend time with his children.
I really hate this guy. What is he bringing to your life other than pain and suffering?
There are a lot of hidden assumptions in your letter. But ultimately, your problem boils down to one simple issue: You have made immense sacrifices for a man who is not willing to do anything for you or your children. You’re giving up your freedom and happiness and time so he can spend time with children he doesn’t seem particularly interested in. He spends his time playing video games instead of with his kids? And he does this even knowing that you’re staying with him so he can see these children?
What in the fuck is wrong with this stupid ass man? Friend, you’ve got a real lemon of a soon-to-be-ex-husband, and your kids lost the father lottery. I’m sorry that’s where you are, but getting you out of this mess begins with calling it what it is.
You need to leave him immediately if you want any chance at all of a good and happy life.
What’s really stopping you from doing that are those hidden assumptions I mentioned earlier.
First, the idea that divorce is always bad for kids is false. There’s a growing body of research suggesting that a bad marriage is worse for kids than a good divorce. It’s also not true that kids are always better off with a father in the home, especially when it’s this sort of father.
As you weigh the risks of a “fatherless” home, I want you also to consider the risks of keeping your husband in your home:
You are modeling to your children that women are servants who owe men everything, and that men owe their partners and their children nothing.
You are wearing yourself out. How is this affecting your health, your ability to enjoy parenting, your ability to carve out a life you enjoy? Your children deserve a happy healthy mother—and they need her especially in light of the fact that they have a lazy, entitled father.
You are modeling to your children that their father’s wishes are more important than the needs of the rest of the family, thereby instructing them that patriarchy and men trump all else.
You are almost certainly subjecting your kids to an increasingly tense environment. Trust me, they know what’s going on. Kids are a lot smarter than we want to give them credit for.
I get it. You want to do what’s right for them and you can’t imagine tearing their little worlds apart. You’ve made a heroic sacrifice, but the primary beneficiary of that sacrifice is not them; it’s your lazy-ass husband. You deserve better precisely because you’ve already given so much.
And if he can’t or won’t make time to see his kids without you facilitating it? Then cut your losses. He doesn’t care that much. And kids are absolutely not better off with a father who doesn’t care.
There is hope and happiness on the other side of this. You were born for more than just to toil away for an ungrateful man who brings nothing to your life.
Please consult a divorce lawyer today. Document everything. And then leave his sorry ass the first chance you get.
I publish #feministadvicefriday every Friday(ish) here and on Facebook. You can submit your own question to zawn.villines@gmail.com, by messaging my Facebook page, or anonymously by using my site’s contact form.
Work worth reading
Many of us reflexively tell little girls they’re pretty, and in so doing, affirm the message that pretty is important—and perhaps more important than anything else. I wrote this week about 35 ways to compliment girls that don’t involve their appearance.
Jessica Valenti writes on Substack why no one is entitled to friends.
I don’t really know what to think about Grimes, but this piece about her was surprisingly interesting.