When your abuser threatens suicide

Threatening suicide is a common abusive tactic. But the risk is also very real--and could extend to you and your children.

Content note: this piece discusses suicide. Research consistently shows that exposure to content about suicide, especially graphic content, may increase a person’s risk of suicidal thoughts or actions. If you are in a vulnerable place, it may be best to skip this piece. In the United States, you can get emergency help for a suicidal crisis by dialing 988.

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Abuse is fundamentally about control. And one of the most powerful ways to control someone who loves you is to threaten your own death. This is why abusers, especially abusive men, may weaponize their mental health, threatening suicide when they sense they are losing control.

One 2019 study found that intimate partner violence is a factor in nearly half of all suicides. A 2022 study found that suicidal threats and behavior can be a “deliberate and calculated response by which some men sought to maintain influence or control over women.”

If your partner threatens suicide every time you try to leave, or even every time you demand that he do a fair share of household labor, you are not alone. You are not the problem, and you’re not the abusive one.

So why does this happen, and what can you do?

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