You are not failing your kids
Too many women think they've failed as mothers because they cannot counter the entirety of a broken, patriarchal, racist, abusive society.
“I yelled at my daughter today. I feel like I’ve failed her.”
“I’ve tried to counter the abuse my son’s father inflicted, but he’s now a teenager struggling with emotional intelligence. I fear I’ve failed to protect him from the patriarchy.”
“I can’t protect my kids from a family court system that continues to expose them to their abusive father. I’ve failed as a mother.”
To live in a patriarchy is to hear a constant drumbeat of your supposed failures. Because one of the most important ways patriarchy harms and disempowers women is by convincing them they are bad mothers. To be a mother in this system is to be told that, no matter how you mother, it’s wrong.
Anything less than perfection is unacceptable. And if you somehow achieve perfection, you’ll be shamed for that, too, you overbearing helicopter mother who has no identity outside of motherhood.
Patriarchy also encourages mothers never to share their fears, their challenges, their shortcomings—because, of course, if you do, you’ll be shamed. Consequently, many mothers are totally unaware that mothering is impossibly hard for us all, and that abuse is a tragic reality in the lives of most women (and their children).
They make an exception for me, because I give voice to what all mothers secretly know to be true.
I talk to thousands of mothers every year. In my support group, mothers share their most intimate challenges. And I can tell you that all mothers struggle with the realities of life in a patriarchy.
You are not alone.
And you are not failing your children.
If you’re a conscious enough parent to be actively concerned about the effects of your actions, to feel guilty about your shortcomings, to apologize when you are wrong, you are not a failure.
Our kids grow up in an imperfect world. We cannot shield them from every form of pain, abuse, and suffering that awaits them.
Yet we feel obligated to.
We feel obligated to shield them from the abuse the world inflicts on us, too.
What a tragedy to live in a world where, when a child experiences fear and abuse at the hands of their father, or a racist society, or a sexist one, mothers blame themselves rather than the broken society we all occupy.
It’s the ultimate evidence that moms can do no right, and that we blame mothers for society’s failings to prevent mothers from banding together and demanding more and better.
Society is not your fault.
Your husband sucking is not your fault.
A broken world is not your fault.
You have not failed.
If you have done anything at all to push back, to improve the world, to break generational cycles, to ease your children’s trauma, to teach them the skills they must have to navigate a world where suffering is inevitable, you are not failing.
Viewing yourself as a failure serves one purpose, and one purpose only:
It encourages you to individualize problems that are social, political, collective—and often the making of men.
Consider the woman who yells at her child after months of abuse from her husband, but blames herself rather than the abusive environment that makes it impossible to succeed.
The mother who cobbles together affordable childcare but who must be endlessly running to make it all work, and who then feels guilty for not making every moment magical.
The mother who cannot adequately prepare her daughter for the sexism she will experience, and who blames herself the first time her daughter comes home crying from school.
If you can feel empathy for these women, I hope you’ll also feel empathy for yourself.
I hope you’ll consider the way various systems have failed us all, and rather than feeling guilt, I hope you’ll feel the anger that inspires change.
In the meantime, here are some things I want you to remember every time you think you have failed your child:
Your child does not need you to protect them from every type of suffering. They need, instead, to see that you can be there for them when they suffer. They need you to model to them how to be sit with another in their darkness.
Your child does not need you to never make mistakes. They need, instead, for you to apologize and do better. They must know that no relationship can be perfect, and the thing that separates a good relationship from an abusive one is the desire to make amends, and to steadily work toward something better.
Your child does not need you to be an emotionless drone. Your child needs you to model managing your own emotions, talking about them, and working to improve the effects they have on your behavior.
Your child does not need you to subject yourself to a lifetime of abuse at the hands of your husband or partner. Your child needs you to be as emotionally healthy as possible, and to model to them that if you can safely leave, you should.
Your child does not need you to pretend that mothering is easy. Instead, they only need you to not blame them for the challenges of motherhood. Make invisible work visible, and do it together.
Your child does not need you to be so fixated on getting every milestone right, following every official recommendation, and correctly performing motherhood that you destroy your own mental health. You matter too.
You are not enough to fix all the problems of the world because no one is. And you are not a failure. Your child needs you. Your child loves you. You’re doing just fine. Keep trying.
Just gratitude. Your writing is balm to the soul of a weary mother, wife , person. 🙏🏻
Thank you