Your daughter doesn't need you to tell her she's pretty
How appearance-based compliments uphold sexist norms, and may encourage girls to choose bad marriages with bad men; plus a reader wonders how to be happy in a bad marriage
Photo by Bin Thiều on Unsplash
Your daughter needs you, and everyone else, to stop telling her she’s pretty.
It’s one of the most controversial parenting tips I give. People seem to think that of course little girls need to hear that they’re pretty, and that of course if girls’ mothers don’t give them a steady stream of appearance-based compliments, they’ll think they are ugly.
The data suggest otherwise. This study, for example, found that appearance-related comments increased adolescent girls’ self-objectification. Basically, the more comments girls heard about their appearance, the more likely they were to obsess over their appearance. I link to a bunch more studies supporting the same conclusion below.
If you pause and reflect, you’ll realize how much sense it makes.
The average girl, like the average woman, grows up hearing a host of comments on her appearance. Strangers may go out of their way to tell her she’s pretty, or comment on her blue eyes. And what does her self-esteem look like by adolescence? Terrible. Just about everyone thinks little girls need to constantly hear they are pretty. And just about every little girl hates her body and herself.
There’s another reason to stop telling your daughter she’s pretty: it may help protect her from the sort of abusive, unequal marriages that are the current norm.
One of the few decisions your daughter can never take back is the decision of who to have kids with. And now that she may no longer have the right to end a pregnancy (at least in the United States), being thoughtful about this decision is critical.
It’s not easy to get little girls to buy into the notion that marriage is great. Just look around you, at how much effort society has put into indoctrinating them from day one. We talk about their “boyfriends” before they can talk. We give them wedding day Barbie and vacuum cleaner toys. We dress them up in wedding dresses, and feed them an endless stream of Disney princess movies that focus on marriage and romance. We assume that of course they will want to have babies. So it’s no wonder that, in spite of overwhelming evidence that marriage is one of the worst choices women can make for long-term happiness, by the time they hit marriage age, most women are gunning to tie the knot.
Men, too, get a ton of marriage socialization, but in the opposite direction. A similarly strong mountain of data shows that marriage is great for men, but the stereotypical man will do anything to avoid marriage—even as men whose wives have left them quickly scramble to get remarried.
It’s poten evidence of the power of socialization. By the time they’re adults, women are firmly convinced of the value of marriage, even if they’ve never met a single woman in a happy marriage. And men absolutely know that marriage is not them, even as every man around him uses his marriage as a source of free labor so he can do more of what he wants.
We need to shift the way we socialize our children to prepare them for the realities they will face. Turn off the Disney princesses once and for all. Stop constantly telling little girls they’re pretty until they believe that’s their most important (and perhaps sole) attribute.
Marriage is the single most important choice most people make, especially if they have children. Once you have children with someone, you are permanently stuck with them. They can use your children as a tool of abuse, permanently invading your life and your home—and that’s if you’re lucky enough to end the romantic relationship. If you can’t or won’t leave them, you may spend the rest of your life in servitude to someone you hate. Yet we spend more time talking to our children about their after-school activities and their clothing choices than we do about how to choose a good partner.
In the next couple of weeks, I’m going to be talking about how to choose a good partner, and how to teach our daughters to do the same. The reality of this cultural moment is that most people are still going to choose marriage. My own marriage, with a feminist equal partner, has been a powerful avenue for self-actualization, and the source of almost everything good in my life. I want this for more people.
Pretty culture is a gateway drug to princess culture. And both help fertilize girls’ obsession with marriage. It works like this: if you desperately want to be beautiful (and girls who constantly hear they are pretty do), then you’re going to crave male attention, which focuses on appearance. You’re going to want the fairytale wedding, and male love and affection, and you may be willing to overlook a lot to get it. Being told we’re beautiful is, for a lot of us, like a drug. The more we hear it, the more we need it. Parents can prevent this addiction from even starting.
There are plenty of other reasons not to tell your daughter she’s pretty:
Pretty fades. Inevitably. Sooner or later, none of us will be able to live up to societal beauty norms. What happens to a woman who values her prettiness when that prettiness goes away?
Being pretty is not in a girl’s control. There’s a ton of research showing that complimenting any innate or apparently innate trait, not just prettiness, damages self-esteem. Instead, the research tells us we should cultivate a growth mindset in our children by praising their work and effort.
Compliments on appearance are unthinking and reflexive. This means that societal norms heavily influence when and how we compliment girls’ appearance. And that means that, if you give appearance-based compliments, you’re going to give different compliments to different girls based on your perception of how pretty they are. If you have two daughters, or a niece and a daughter, or two grandchildren, you will inevitably compliment one of them more. And they will both notice. The one who gets fewer compliments will hear the message that she’s ugly—and paradoxically, so will the one who gets more compliments, since appearance-based compliments erode self-esteem.
Every time you compliment a girl’s appearance, you could be complimenting something else. By definition, appearance-based compliments replace more valuable compliments.
Your daughter is strong. She’s compassionate. She’s kind to the underdog. She works hard. I’ve compiled a long list of alternative compliments to give your daughter here. Start using them today.
One of the weirder things that happens when I tell people we don’t comment on our daughters’ appearance is that they seem to think this means we’re telling them they’re ugly. The idea of not commenting on a woman’s body is so foreign that people think there’s a binary between pretty and ugly, with no space for neutrality in between.
I’m here to tell you there is, and that your daughter is actually less likely to think she is ugly if you stay quiet about her appearance. And if someone else ever tells her she’s ugly, she’s a lot less likely to care after growing up in a house where no one told her pretty was important and everyone complimented her on all the other things she does.
The research supports me on this claim. Tons of studies have found that appearance-based compliments are harmful:
Appearance-based compliments negatively affect perceptions of women at work.
In African American women, positive comments on appearance and body increased body dissatisfaction.
Positive online appearance comments increase body dissatisfaction among women.
So what happens to girls whose parents never comment on their appearance? It’s so rare that there’s no research on it. But my own daughter, who has never heard an adult caregiver breathe a word about her appearance, loves to look in the mirror and marvel at all the things her body can do. She makes faces at herself, and admires how strong she is. She has never asked me if she is pretty, never expressed concern about her appearance, and shown only the highest self-esteem.
Recently, a creeper at the store ran up to her to shriek about how pretty she is. On the drive home, she wanted to talk about it. “Mom, why did that man say I’m pretty? That was really weird. Why would someone care about the way I look? It scared me.”
I breathed a sigh of relief.
A few quick updates
I’m still compiling data from the State of Postpartum Survey. But honestly, going through it all in the wake of the end of abortion rights has been a little much. So I’m moving more slowly, but I should have part two done in the next week or two.
I’m also working on a marriage inequality rubric to assess just how unequal your marriage is. This will be available only to paid subscribers. I’ll publish it in my newsletter in the next couple of weeks.
Finally, I will be doing a live chat/ask me anything/Q&A session on July 23 right here on Substack. I’ll respond to all posted questions in real time, so mark your calendars. More details in the next couple of weeks.
Feminist Advice Friday: My husband won’t change, but I can’t leave
A reader asks…
My husband is pretty typical of the men you talk about. He loves our kids, but is basically disinterested in their daily lives. Does almost no housework. Nothing for me for Mother’s Day. He’s not abusive or mean, but he’s not kind either.
I don’t like him. I don’t love him. I shouldn’t have married him, and he adds so much unhappiness to my life.
But for a lot of complicated reasons, I cannot leave. Not only would my life get very complicated. He also would try to take my kids, and even if he lost, the fight would be devastating to them and to me.
What can I do to make my life better in spite of this? Is there a way to be the sort of liberated mother you talk about while still living with a worthless man?
My answer:
First of all, I’m sorry. I’ve been talking a lot lately about how important the choice of a mate/person with whom we have children is. Because once you’re stuck, you’re really stuck. You don’t deserve this, and I wish you felt like you could leave.
I believe in taking people at their word. You are the expert on your own life. Also, though, patriarchy is a powerful drug that colors our perceptions. So I want to push back, ever so gently, on the idea that leaving is impossible. Please consult with a divorce lawyer so you know your options and have an understanding of what might happen.
The pain of a custody battle is real, and there are some horror stories out there. The truth, though, is that most men do not seek custody, even after threatening it. And just 1.5% of men fully litigate their cases. Please consider the possibility that your fear is lying to you, and get a reality check from a custody lawyer you trust. Then consider building a plan to leave. Whatever you’re most worried about, find ways to mitigate the risk. You might not be able to leave now, but perhaps when your kids are adults or you have completed more education or otherwise removed the barriers you face to a happier life, you can get out.
One of the terrible consequences of marriage culture is that women learn from an early age to value their spouses above all else. Close relationships with others may die, or feel less valuable than a marriage. They’re not. Your path to a better life begins with building a deep, rich support network at all costs. Do whatever it takes to nurture meaningful community. Your community can help you with childcare, give you a break from your shitty-ass husband, remind you of who you are outside of being a wife, and so much more. Some avenues to try for making meaningful connections include:
Online communities local to you. Try meeting up with some moms you connect with, or organizing an outing.
Apps. I’ve heard from a number moms that the Peanut app is especially helpful for finding new mom friends.
Hobbies. Your hobbies are a great outlet and escape. They’re also an incredible way to make new friends. Join a garden club, a book discussion group, or a gym. Whatever you’re into, find a way to make it more social.
Your neighbors. It’s a lot easier to nurture friendships when people are nearby. Try getting to know your neighbors. Start a neighborhood Facebook group or organize an event.
Your kids’ peers’ parents. If your kids are old enough to be in school, then they have a ready-made community of peers, and so do you. Get to know other parents at your kids’ school. Connect with them. Show them your real self, and watch a meaningful community form.
So what else can you do to feel freer and happier? Lots. Some of these suggestions may not be feasible or appealing to you, so focus on those that feel possible and build upon your successes. In no particular order:
Decide what you’re not ever willing to give up. What basic needs do you need to meet every day to feel ok? Is it a shower and 30 minutes to read? Your morning coffee? Whatever you need to feel normal, make it mandatory. Don’t ever give it up. Find some way to make it happen every day.
Get some great childcare. You need a break, and if you have to pay for it, so be it. Invest some time into interviewing the provider so that you can feel truly comfortable with them. Then consider doing a few days with you at home as your kids get used to them. If your husband doesn’t want you to hire a childcare provider for some reason, fine. Fuck him. Do it anyway when he’s not there.
Develop a daily schedule. When you have a family routine, kids become more cooperative and less needy. This means more time for you and less stress. It also helps you identify areas of need. Do you need 2 hours in the afternoon to catch up on work tasks? Help with transportation to school? Follow the clues your family routine offers.
Give your kids independent time. The data show that moms today spend more time with their kids than they did in generations past, even though they work more. All kids need independent time. This time helps them become more creative and thoughtful, while giving you a break. Start integrating this time into your daily schedule, and steadily increase the amount of solo time your kids get each day.
Emotionally separate from your husband. Tell yourself he’s just some dude you live with, and his opinions and attitudes do not matter. If you can frame his an inconvenient lump of worthlessness rather than a sign of some cosmic failure, living with him may become easier.
Stop covering for your husband. A lot of women in unhappy marriages expend a lot of effort putting on a good show—praising their husband publicly, or showing up for him when they don’t absolutely have to, or buying Christmas presents for him to give to his family. Let him bear the shame of his own behavior. Don’t cover for him.
Don’t do extra work for your husband. No laundry or ironing shirts or sending thank-you cards to his business connections. He is not your child.
Get therapy. Not to make your marriage better, but to strengthen your mind and identify additional coping skills.
Keep a log of any mistreatment, and of the general division of labor. Should he ever seek custody, you’ll need it.
Start talking to your kids about what a good marriage looks like. You need to break the cycle for the next generation.
Do something every day that makes you happy. Your children need and deserve a happy mom. You deserve to feel good about yourself. No matter what chores you have to sacrifice to carve out some daily pleasure for yourself, do it.
One of the lies of patriarchy is that we get the relationships we deserve. That’s not true. We get what patriarchy decides to give us, and it’s given you a raw deal. I’m sorry. I truly believe you can make things somewhat better, and that you may one day be able to get fully free.
Readers, what advice do you have?
I publish #feministadvicefriday every Thursday here and every Friday on Facebook. You can submit your own question to zawn.villines@gmail.com, by messaging my Facebook page, or anonymously by using my site’s contact form.