My mother sneered that the reason she turned to a cult and not individual therapy for her own issues is, "That couples therapist didn't save your father's and my marriage."
As it turns out, no amount of therapy can change an unrepentant criminal psychopath, which is who my mother was both married to and had me with. He even bamboozled the psychiatrist who was supposed to be treating his "bipolar disorder" (what a load of BS).
Therapists can't fix persistent personality disorders, people who don't want help, and people who just flat-out take savage pleasure in hurting those around them. Therapy isn't magic and shouldn't be treated as such.
When I went to my own couple's counseling with an abusive spouse, we had a phone session and right then and there when she started yelling at me the therapist immediately stepped in and told her to stop or we would stop the session. That was part of me realizing this would never work and we were headed for divorce before she got my ass killed.
Zawn, once again, this is SO GOOD and I'm so glad you wrote this. With my first husband, we had a therapist who VERY clearly was trying to help us stay together - like it was their personal mission - as opposed to looking at what was best for us. Then we went to a Rabbi at the neighborhood temple and he literally said "This marriage is going to be very, very hard to save. If you want to try to make it work, I would love to help you, but I want you to know the challenges ahead of you and know that it is OK if it doesn't feel healthy to keep trying" (among other things). And we were SO released and relieved. We didn't have kids, so it was a simpler proposition - but we left there with a plan and have remained friends. We even drove to the Paralegal together to file our papers and then grabbed a coffee after.
I wish people would consider couples counseling at the beginning of their relationship in order to establish a healthy and equitable foundation, not after they realize the house is on fire. At the point where most couples consider counseling, they should be looking at divorce lawyers.
Nailed it again!! We went to couples counseling three times in 18 years. The first two (one at year 7 and again around year 12) essentially said we needed more “date nights” and focusing on our relationship; which ended up being 100% on me to facilitate. I tried so hard and I was so confused why that didn’t work. Finally at year 18 my own therapist helped me see the abusive patterns. He brought us in one time for a couples session and after hearing the things my ex said he immediately said no more couples, you two need individual therapy (which I was already in). Just a few months later I filed for divorce. I’m so thankful for him!
Wow! This spoke to me. We saw a couples counselor who said she only agreed to see couples if "there was no active abuse going on" and I still don't understand what that means because abuse is a belief system of entitlement and diminishing another person. But we went. My abuse did not include bruises and him putting his hands on me, and I got the distinct feeling that she didn't see it "as bad as" black eyes, and the irony is she was a DV survivor of physical abuse. I was done, filed, and my ex still says I gave up and refused to participate and try.
My mother sneered that the reason she turned to a cult and not individual therapy for her own issues is, "That couples therapist didn't save your father's and my marriage."
As it turns out, no amount of therapy can change an unrepentant criminal psychopath, which is who my mother was both married to and had me with. He even bamboozled the psychiatrist who was supposed to be treating his "bipolar disorder" (what a load of BS).
Therapists can't fix persistent personality disorders, people who don't want help, and people who just flat-out take savage pleasure in hurting those around them. Therapy isn't magic and shouldn't be treated as such.
When I went to my own couple's counseling with an abusive spouse, we had a phone session and right then and there when she started yelling at me the therapist immediately stepped in and told her to stop or we would stop the session. That was part of me realizing this would never work and we were headed for divorce before she got my ass killed.
Zawn, once again, this is SO GOOD and I'm so glad you wrote this. With my first husband, we had a therapist who VERY clearly was trying to help us stay together - like it was their personal mission - as opposed to looking at what was best for us. Then we went to a Rabbi at the neighborhood temple and he literally said "This marriage is going to be very, very hard to save. If you want to try to make it work, I would love to help you, but I want you to know the challenges ahead of you and know that it is OK if it doesn't feel healthy to keep trying" (among other things). And we were SO released and relieved. We didn't have kids, so it was a simpler proposition - but we left there with a plan and have remained friends. We even drove to the Paralegal together to file our papers and then grabbed a coffee after.
I wish people would consider couples counseling at the beginning of their relationship in order to establish a healthy and equitable foundation, not after they realize the house is on fire. At the point where most couples consider counseling, they should be looking at divorce lawyers.
Nailed it again!! We went to couples counseling three times in 18 years. The first two (one at year 7 and again around year 12) essentially said we needed more “date nights” and focusing on our relationship; which ended up being 100% on me to facilitate. I tried so hard and I was so confused why that didn’t work. Finally at year 18 my own therapist helped me see the abusive patterns. He brought us in one time for a couples session and after hearing the things my ex said he immediately said no more couples, you two need individual therapy (which I was already in). Just a few months later I filed for divorce. I’m so thankful for him!
Wow! This spoke to me. We saw a couples counselor who said she only agreed to see couples if "there was no active abuse going on" and I still don't understand what that means because abuse is a belief system of entitlement and diminishing another person. But we went. My abuse did not include bruises and him putting his hands on me, and I got the distinct feeling that she didn't see it "as bad as" black eyes, and the irony is she was a DV survivor of physical abuse. I was done, filed, and my ex still says I gave up and refused to participate and try.