A pursuit dynamic in relationship is a major predictor of abuse
If you're pursuing him, he can exploit you. If he's pursuing you, consent will become an issue.
Healthy relationships are built on mutual love, affection, and commitment. Despite this, many women find themselves continuously seeking out relationships that involve a pursuit dynamic. These relationships come in two basic flavors:
The man frequently withdraws, making the woman feel insecure. She then pursues him, often by offering him sex, labor, or other things he wants. The cycle of withdrawal quickly becomes a tool he can use to manipulate her. He may tell her he’s afraid of commitment, prefers not to be monogamous, or disappear for long periods of time. She constantly wants more than he is willing to give, and settles for scraps.
The man pursues the woman. These relationships, often romanticized in popular culture, involve a woman who either does not want a relationship at all, or does not want a relationship with this particular man. He’ll keep trying, attempting to wear her down and win her over. Often, loved ones will insist that she must give him a chance—because, of course, his needs are more important than hers.
If you find yourself in either type of relationship, you need to swiftly run in the other direction. Do not debate. Do not weigh whether it’s worth staying. You are at very high risk of abuse. Here’s why.
Why pursuit dynamics predict abuse
Pursuit dynamics, a lot like love bombing, suspend critical thinking. You spend so much time managing the relationship dynamic that you don’t actually pause to question whether the relationship is right. When you’re the pursuer, you romanticize the other person. And when you’re being pursued, he may love-bomb you, and will almost certainly never show you any of his less desirable characteristics.
Moreover, pursuit dynamics fit with our cultural expectations about relationships. Romantic comedies almost always feature them. So we’ve all learned to romanticize them. These dynamics feel normal, healthy, exciting, and romantic. They are none of those things.
Mutual desire, love, and interest are the foundation of every good relationship.
If you are not equally invested in the relationship, then someone is going to end up doing more than their fair share of work. Almost always, that’s going to be the woman. Even when the man starts out as the pursuer, he may eventually become resentful and aggressive.
When you’re the pursuer
You deserve a relationship where you feel fully loved and treasured. A relationship in which you have to pursue the other person does not offer this. The relationship is broken and fundamentally unbalanced from the start—and relationships that start out with significant inequality rarely improve.
Cultural norms suggest that women trap men into relationships, and men reluctantly agree. This is absurd, given that marriage overwhelmingly benefits men. It’s women who should run from marriage.
But when we teach men that marriage is something they do for women, that relationships are some sort of favor or gift they can give away, they expect a lot in return.
They expect unequal relationships that give them free and unlimited access to women’s labor.
Do you really want to forever have inequality?
When you pursue someone, even if they eventually accept a relationship, they will never give you the sort of love you desire. And they will always expect to get more than they give. This makes abusive behavior extremely likely. It means they’ll be willing to exploit your love to get free labor, sex, and whatever else they want. And our culture will reward them for doing so, because we view women’s time and needs as inherently unimportant.
Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?
Until you can move past that tendency, it will be impossible to have a healthy, egalitarian, mutually fulfilling and liberatory relationship.
When he’s the pursuer
When a man pursues you, he learns to ignore your signals. He learns to disregard what you want, and to instead attempt to flatter you and wear down your resistance. This is an early hallmark of abuse, as well as a signal that he may ignore consent.
Men who are willing to pursue women in this way are more likely to coerce them into sex, to ignore their stated needs, and to assume that no always means “convince me.” Here’s the kind of behavior you can expect to see if you get into a relationship with this man:
Because men are socialized to believe that they shouldn’t sacrifice for women, he’ll expect compensation for all he has done for you as he pursued you.
After spending some period of your relationship ignoring your stated needs in favor of ignoring them and pursuing you, he will continue to ignore your desires. He’ll think he knows better than you do what you want.
He may be resentful about the time he spent pursuing you, and become aggressive.
Because pursuit may be something he enjoys—as well as the consent violations pursuit often requires—he may lose interest once he gets what he wants. He may also quickly begin pursuing someone else.
Perhaps most importantly, if you don’t want to be in the relationship at the very beginning—or at least, aren’t sure if you want to be in the relationship—your enthusiasm about the relationship is unlikely to increase. A pursuit dynamic encourages you to invest in a relationship you don’t want. And that almost always involves ignoring red flags, as well as your own needs and desires.
Both you and everyone you are ever with deserve to freely choose and enjoy your relationships. It’s time to quit these dynamics for good.
You are goddess sent. Another great piece. I send the majority of your written words to my daughters. Also, I think I might sign them up for subscriptions as a gift. I cannot thank you enough for your female centered advocacy. U r a real one ;) We need you!
Bravo Zawn. Once again you put into words a concept I’ve suspected for some time, but couldn’t articulate so concisely. THIS is why I dislike the characterization of “anxious attachment” and “avoidant attachment.” I see so many women using that to devalue their valid feelings and men using it to justify their abusive behavior.