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May 9
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You are so right.

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The cruelty is intentional.

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And what about the adult children? Do they realize? They have benefitted from patriarchy too, in the grinding down of their mothers for their own benefit. It's hard for me to accept the Mother's Day card from the adult child who sneers at me and denigrates the life sacrifices I made for her.

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I’m not sure what you mean by “political “. I do know the constant denigration of motherhood is satanic. Satan hates mothers because we are the ones who birth potential christians. Most men are under his rule because hatred appeals to them much more than love does. Guys don’t marry for love. They marry for the mother figure (cleaner and cook) and a legal vagina.

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She may be referring to the fact that our economy and global order is built on the backs of mother's unpaid labor. So, if women en masse decide they aren't willing to subsidize a system that leaves them uncared for when they bring forth life (maternity leave, health coverage, decent treatment during pregnancy, labor, and postpartum, advantageous tax/retirement benefits for the career sacrifices a mother makes), they won't. Welcome collapsing marriage and birth rate. Governments are trying to get women to have more children as they realize the awful impact a collapsing population has on a country, but women aren't going to be incentivized to do 24/7/365 work while being disrespected, in order to get a $2k tax credit, or whatever other carrot they dangle.

And for society, which says that women's worth comes from their beauty, but having a baby "wrecks" your body, women are saying, "Why would I then?" For a society that shames mothers for resting or receiving reciprocal care ("It's not that hard, women have been doing this for thousands of years," to justify nobody helping mothers; "Your father/grandfather didn't have to do all this stuff around the house and men today have to do so much more for lower quality women" to insinuate that domestic labor is innately feminine and women owe men this service regardless of the other divisions of labor the couple makes), women are saying, "Well, why should I sign up for that? I want the Ease Package all these men seem to have," and that typically is available to women if they just don't have men in their lives.

The government and most corporations, and even the education structure, all benefit from pretending that the endless work done by mothers isn't real work. When we want her to do something? She better do it or she's a lazy, worthless mother. If she's pointing out that she has work for her children that prevents her from jury duty or coming in to work early? She's got needlessly high standards and can only blame herself when she's always between a rock and a hard place. I mean, look at men, who are the standard human beings: they don't worry about any of this stuff, and yet their lives are fine? Must be because women are fussy and crazy, not because men are largely coasting due to women's unpaid, invisible labor. (/Sarcasm.)

I spend an unfortunate amount of time dealing with the manosphere, and I can tell you, when every single man uses the same ever-flipping standards so that women always lose, it's not just 100% of individuals randomly using the same script. It's brain-rot brought on by patriarchy, and people who even slightly understand economics know that women realizing that their labor is equal to any other labor, if not more valuable, does not bode well for systems built upon undercounting female labor and primarily rewarding the kinds of labor men do. So much rides on undervaluing women, between the GDP, the way we build cities, the way we design public transportation and sidewalks, school hours, childcare hours, the education system, the healthcare system, etc. If women just refuse to have children under these circumstances with men who view them as subhuman, the entire system starts to collapse in under two decades.

Women opting out of motherhood and marriage has profound political implications, because women are the mothers of all the living. Rather than secondary characters, we are foundational. As we collectively bargain, refusing these ridiculous terms, the system has to cooperate, collapse, or re-enslave women. I'm sure there's more to it than this of course. But those are some reasons for why the way we treat mothers, including mocking them for wanting to be recognized on Mother's Day, is political.

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Very well said

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“If women just refuse to have children under these circumstances with men who view them as subhuman, the entire system starts to collapse in under two decades.”

BOOM 💥💥💥 Only way forward imo.

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This is the most powerful tool by which to end Patriarchy. I’m not at all intending to denigrate the work of the past 50-100 or so years, but backlash is ever-present when you’re fighting within a system.

Normalising women refusing to have children with men who view them as subhuman is potentially revolutionary, and well-overdue.

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May 9Edited

>If women just refuse to have children under these circumstances with men who view them as subhuman, the entire system starts to collapse in under two decades.

Have you heard of the 4B movement in South Korea? Damn I want that to spread far and wide like wildfire

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Yes, and I think it makes a lot of sense. Men need women a lot more than women need men, and they ought to behave accordingly. Since so many men are committed to sexism, they need to be alone. The more women en masse reinforce that sexism makes men untouchable, the sooner we can have nice things.

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Brilliant explanation

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Yup but collective action means we actually do need to do it…collectively. If women vacated relationships with men altogether, men’s dependency and vulnerability would be laid bare. It’s basically like going on strike, but you kind of have to do it all at the same time, otherwise the guy just finds another women-appliance to fill the gap. If we go on strike together then we have better chances of collective bargaining.

Or who knows, we might all end up on Crone Island, dancing naked in the moonlight, hi fiving and sipping margaritas, and never think about scumbag men again. lol, I’ve found so much depth and intimacy in female friendships I’m not really interested in dating again - but in the meantime, because my ex has a steady supply of free emotional labour, he’s still prowling the halls of online dating sites for his next victim/slave. If he had no other options - *gasp* - it might force some serious change.

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So glad you wrote this reply. I had other things I wanted to reply but yours is - Fantastic. Thank you so much for doing the work to reply to her comment.

Do you also have a SubStack you write? I am going to check now & will subscribe if I find one.

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Very important message.

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Yes, my step-motherhood began at age 22. But little to no acknowledgement from practically anyone until I gave birth at age 29. That's when it "counted". And that's pretty fu**ed up. I was finally invited into the club then. Happy Early Mother's Day, Everyone, no matter how you got there.

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ooof. Yes. I was a foster parent before eventually adopting, and somehow that time didn't count as being a "real" mom.

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I feel bad for being disappointed in my mom on mother's day, but I can't help but be a little disappointed in her. Not only am I driving 2.5 hours with my 3 year old to go see her on Mother's Day (when shes retired and has no kids at home), but she told me she got me a CD player for a Mother's Day gift, which she only got because this book she got my daughter last month came with a CD and I don't have a CD player. It feels more like a gift for my daughter than for me, and I feel like moms who are currently in the trenches should get priority over moms whose kids have been out of the house for more than two decades, but I still feel bad for not being more grateful that I got any gift at all. At least my ex took me to brunch last weekend.

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I just want to validate your feeling of the gift for you that's really a gift for your daughter...I know from experience, it hurts. I'm sorry that happened.

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I agree. ONE HUNDRED PERCENT: Mother’s Day should be for the mothers in the trenches!!! Mother’s Day should be more about YOU this year!

Write it down to discuss this with your mom in a month or three. Tell her how you felt.

Hold her accountable.

She had her turn with gifts when she did the work and now it’s your turn. She is retired and can give you rest instead of making you do extra work !!!

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“As if anything at all ever gets to be about you.“

Freaking truth, Zawn.

I am so tired of being invisible. Of working nonstop to have 1/10th of what men have in career, leisure, money, respect, honor. And I’m a white woman, which means I still have freaking white privilege and my heart breaks for the women who don’t even have that.

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Yes. The Man by Taylor Swift makes me tear up every time

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Thank you for seeing us who aren’t acknowledged by the men in our lives (heck sometimes the whole-ass ‘village’). It means a lot.

I’ve chosen this year to pretend like my husband doesn’t exist for things like this and just teach my children directly. I’d rather they break the cycle and have emotional growth than learn his attitude.

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And also. I think it's reasonable to set expectations. My children are neurodivergent, and I'm not going to assume they'll automatically think of celebrating me on their own. That's just not the way they are wired.

I am very clear about what I want, and need, and I typically have a lovely day. They come through when they know what to do.

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My Mother’s Day gift was getting to sleep in, he said. I never get to sleep in as the default parent. Lame.

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My favorite was “But you’re not MY mom, so why would I do something special?” I’m so happy to finally be free from that person this Mother’s Day

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The one I am with now used those words on me. In so many ways, he is a good egg. I ripped him a new one when he said that to me.

My entire family of origin was on a vacation in Hawaii that no one had told me about , let alone invited me.

I couldn’t be with my own kids for my first Mother’s Day ever.

And new partner never checked on me that day or said “happy Mother’s Day” - “because you’re not my mother.”

That was 4 years ago.

This year? He bought me roses and made me his version of a fancy dinner. (Steak and potatoes.)

I hate that men pretend to be so F-ing dense.

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Zawn, please write a piece called "Ask him point blank if he loves you" because boy will that bring some shit to light. Yes, there are abusers who will gaslight you with the answer to this question, but anything other than a full throated and genuine "Of course I do" and then NO FUCKING FOLLOWUPS OR CAVEATS OF ANY KIND will weed out a ton of crappy men, it would seem. It's a simple question with a simple answer, and some men are so shitty it won't even occur to them to lie.

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Love this idea.

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