"At least he's trying!" How we excuse sexism at home: Gaslighting inequality series (paid subscriber bonus)

In a world where men get credit for doing anything, and women get credit for nothing at all, women are always wrong.

“You’re so lucky that your husband spends time with the kids! At least he’s trying! You shouldn’t be so angry at him. Maybe you need to be screened for postpartum depression.”

It’s the comment that shows up on every post in every online parenting group. It’s the go-to of mothers in law, friends, family, and everyone else who’s decided to spend their precious time carrying water, unpaid, for the patriarchy.

Those poor little men. Someone has to defend them against the monstrous women demanding that they help to raise the children they made.

In this framing, if a man does literally anything at all—no matter how small or inept—it counters his partner’s claims of unfairness and imbalance. Men get credit for trying, and women get credit for absolutely nothing. This might sound like:

• “At least he’s trying!”

• “He really wants to be a good dad!”

• “A lot of men can’t even change diapers!”

• “His own dad did nothing, so this is a huge improvement.”

So why do people do this?

Sexism only works if cultural norms are built around defending and reinforcing the things sexist men do. But as overt sexism becomes less and less socially acceptable, these defenses have to be couched in language of fairness, love, and reassurance. “At least he’s trying” is one of many ways we defend men and gaslight women about inequality.

This is part of a new series defining and debunking the ways we gaslight women about their unequal, abusive, and dysfunctional relationships. I’m calling it gaslighting inequality. As I publish new pieces, I’ll list them here.