I’m a neurodivergent mom married to an ND man, raising two ND kids. Our house is a neurospicy stew. We’ve had to recalibrate multiple times over the years. Two things that have made the biggest difference are working with a LICSW/parenting coach who gets ND kiddos and their needs, and low demand parenting.
I was the "normal" kid in an ND family (my mother and siblings had ADD diagnoses when I was a kid) and now I'm raising my own ND family. Turns out, I'm ND too.
Growing up surrounded by the "new" diagnoses in the 90's and early 2000's, I will say it's important to both tell your kid about their diagnosis and teach them to advocate for themselves. And, advocating for yourself starts at home. I've found Low Demand Parenting to be a useful companion to many of the standard gentle and cooperative parenting approaches.
There is often a grieving process as you give up on the idea of the kid you hoped for, but the sooner you can get through that, the sooner you can focus on the amazingly cool kid you actually have. But, raising an ND kid will probably trigger you in all sorts of unexpected ways (especially since most ND kids have... undiagnosed ND parents). It can really help to have a good therapist to process all that away from your relationship with your child.
Everyone in our house is neurodivergent, and I'm gonna throw a tip that I think should work for most families, neurodivergent or not : figure out the 'why' before you do something or expect something, when possible. Sometimes, we're raised to do things a certain way or expect things a certain way or behave a certain way, and 'everyone does it that way so you should too even if it doesn't work for you' is NOT a good reason to do a thing, but sometimes we don't stop and think (esp re: household organization, expected behaviors, and IEP plans). Creative problem-solving works.
Concrete examples from my family: no, you don't need to go back to the bathroom to hang your towel on the towel rod. The WHY is that the towel can't be mouldering on your floor, hard limit, and the solution can be a bedroom wall hook for the towel - goal met, and more productive than arguing about the towel for 3 years. Or, behaviorally, I have one kid who hates holding hands in summer (sweaty hands = textural issue, I think) but parking lot safety is non-negotiable, so we can look at wrist straps or backpack leashes OR holding hands, the hands part isn't the important piece of the equation. Or, bluntly: if my child is stimming with little arhythmic shrieks that are driving me up the WALL, the need is to stop working my last nerve like it's sandpaper, and sure I could try to make them stop, OR I could put in EAR PLUGS (put on your oxygen mask first, etc - it's easier to find solutions when you're not so overstimulated that you're going to lose it), find my last nerve, and then help them find stimulation that soothes their need AND doesn't work my last nerve (my kid likes intricate things to build, or puzzles to solve, so if I give him a rubik's cube he stops shrieking) - the answer isn't 'stop doing that', necessarily, but it IS 'let's meet everyone's needs', and that can be a lot more helpful.
I’m a neurodivergent mom married to an ND man, raising two ND kids. Our house is a neurospicy stew. We’ve had to recalibrate multiple times over the years. Two things that have made the biggest difference are working with a LICSW/parenting coach who gets ND kiddos and their needs, and low demand parenting.
I was the "normal" kid in an ND family (my mother and siblings had ADD diagnoses when I was a kid) and now I'm raising my own ND family. Turns out, I'm ND too.
Growing up surrounded by the "new" diagnoses in the 90's and early 2000's, I will say it's important to both tell your kid about their diagnosis and teach them to advocate for themselves. And, advocating for yourself starts at home. I've found Low Demand Parenting to be a useful companion to many of the standard gentle and cooperative parenting approaches.
There is often a grieving process as you give up on the idea of the kid you hoped for, but the sooner you can get through that, the sooner you can focus on the amazingly cool kid you actually have. But, raising an ND kid will probably trigger you in all sorts of unexpected ways (especially since most ND kids have... undiagnosed ND parents). It can really help to have a good therapist to process all that away from your relationship with your child.
Everyone in our house is neurodivergent, and I'm gonna throw a tip that I think should work for most families, neurodivergent or not : figure out the 'why' before you do something or expect something, when possible. Sometimes, we're raised to do things a certain way or expect things a certain way or behave a certain way, and 'everyone does it that way so you should too even if it doesn't work for you' is NOT a good reason to do a thing, but sometimes we don't stop and think (esp re: household organization, expected behaviors, and IEP plans). Creative problem-solving works.
Concrete examples from my family: no, you don't need to go back to the bathroom to hang your towel on the towel rod. The WHY is that the towel can't be mouldering on your floor, hard limit, and the solution can be a bedroom wall hook for the towel - goal met, and more productive than arguing about the towel for 3 years. Or, behaviorally, I have one kid who hates holding hands in summer (sweaty hands = textural issue, I think) but parking lot safety is non-negotiable, so we can look at wrist straps or backpack leashes OR holding hands, the hands part isn't the important piece of the equation. Or, bluntly: if my child is stimming with little arhythmic shrieks that are driving me up the WALL, the need is to stop working my last nerve like it's sandpaper, and sure I could try to make them stop, OR I could put in EAR PLUGS (put on your oxygen mask first, etc - it's easier to find solutions when you're not so overstimulated that you're going to lose it), find my last nerve, and then help them find stimulation that soothes their need AND doesn't work my last nerve (my kid likes intricate things to build, or puzzles to solve, so if I give him a rubik's cube he stops shrieking) - the answer isn't 'stop doing that', necessarily, but it IS 'let's meet everyone's needs', and that can be a lot more helpful.