I was lucky to get similar advice during the criminal proceedings against my abuser, and it helped get him the maximum available sentence (which in Australia is still pitiful, unfortunately).
THIS is the kind of help we need - especially when we are too traumatised to think clearly.
On a separate note, Zawn, it was good to finally hear your voice!
On this topic, for Australian women, once you have been through the family court and orders are made, no one enforces them. The male party will completely disregard them.
Speaking of the order of visitation when the father is in prison.
I know a woman whose second husband went to prison for sexually molesting her grandsons (from daughter of first marriage). She was ordered to bring their preteen daughter to the prison every other weekend to visit her father and facilitate phone calls between her and the father. It’s soo disgusting.
My child’s Safe Place therapist gave a sworn statement to the courts. She stated in her findings that the abuse occurred and it would be against her recommendation to allow unsupervised contact! She was dismissed from our case! The courts then gave my abused child to their abuser!
Where is the justice? When a reunification therapist witnesses the trauma of forcing a child to reconnect with their abuser opts out of providing reunification. Reports that it wasn’t successful and yet the court still sends an unprotected child back into the home of the abuser where no one can see what is happening. Where is the justice? How can a partial admission to touching a child be redacted from the investigator’s report and no one questions it! How can crucial evidence just be dismissed when it so clearly proves the child is telling the truth! Then when the non offending parent questions why they are blatantly ignoring evidence their rights are taken away! Please someone make it make sense!
*Really glad to see you covering this. "a culture that prioritizes men’s access to their children over children’s safety and well-being" I emphasize this as TRUER than people want to know. It is not my writing, but if it were, I would probably revise the description of family court being "brutal" to family court being "hopeless." My children, parents, entire family, and I are all victims of what ultimately is a system trafficking in children--it bled us all dry until there is nothing left. The impact even on my parents' mental health has been drastic. I've sat with American moms across the nation (at conferences) whose children are going home to severe sexual and physical abuse, and severe emotional and psychological abuse each night at their father's house, instead of the safety of their mother's house. (And it is not always this bias--in some cases but fewer, the roles are flipped.) This is a serious human rights violation happening our country and the UN has been reporting on the USA's negligence--so that is positive--but at home, it's kept silent.
Some mothers fight through it, some get lucky, some fight for years (think: five, ten, fifteen) and finally 'succeed' in getting their kids to safety. And look: some folks are not rich enough or cut out enough to battle it through. Divorce coaches are worth their weight in gold in what is essentially like navigating a corrupt pirate system (not a judicial system...at risk of being offensive, it's maybe like what navigating a drug cartel must feel like?). Not everyone can afford coaches. But sometimes they are a better investment in an attorney to play the dangerous game.
National experts in this abuse and the corruption of family courts are calling for the abolishment of family court--this is the only solution I heard that sounded actually effective.
Good luck out there moms--if you take this ride, hang onto your hats; It's hard to imagine the risks or losses before you enter into it--it is hard to anticipate the gambles you are making. Two things are for sure--being truthful in yourself is respectable, and, you are not alone.
This was a podcast I wish my mother could have heard when she failed to protect me from her second husband.
I’m not a stay at home mom, nor a fully attachment-style parent (I breastfed, but pumped from work, so he was home feeding them my milk while I worked longer hours and for lower wages, my kids go to public school, etc), and he is very active in their lives. I dont think a court will be appropriate for my situation but I am not happy and that is enough of a reason to myself and children to advocate for change.
For those of us in very tricky nuanced situations (where emotional abuse is insidious and covert, and in my case, directed only to me and not my children), I found the most compelling part of this podcast the part where the reason for the changed behavior (after kids are born) is examined. The concept of the “mother wound,” (and a man’s frustration with his wife’s inability to provide him what he couldn’t get from his mother when their children are born), is really interesting and points back to patriarchy and his own piss poor father (because likely his own mother couldn’t always protect him from his father’s lack of love).
This point reminds me of this article that delves more into the root causes of patriarchal suffering in men and why women must leave in order for us to heal and for them to be faced with consequences for their destructive beliefs and behaviors:
Amazing podcast thank you both
All family lawyers should hear this
This is a topic that I find absolutely fascinating and I look forward to reading more Zawn! Thank you !
Thank you for sharing this.
I was lucky to get similar advice during the criminal proceedings against my abuser, and it helped get him the maximum available sentence (which in Australia is still pitiful, unfortunately).
THIS is the kind of help we need - especially when we are too traumatised to think clearly.
On a separate note, Zawn, it was good to finally hear your voice!
On this topic, for Australian women, once you have been through the family court and orders are made, no one enforces them. The male party will completely disregard them.
Speaking of the order of visitation when the father is in prison.
I know a woman whose second husband went to prison for sexually molesting her grandsons (from daughter of first marriage). She was ordered to bring their preteen daughter to the prison every other weekend to visit her father and facilitate phone calls between her and the father. It’s soo disgusting.
My child’s Safe Place therapist gave a sworn statement to the courts. She stated in her findings that the abuse occurred and it would be against her recommendation to allow unsupervised contact! She was dismissed from our case! The courts then gave my abused child to their abuser!
Where is the justice? When a reunification therapist witnesses the trauma of forcing a child to reconnect with their abuser opts out of providing reunification. Reports that it wasn’t successful and yet the court still sends an unprotected child back into the home of the abuser where no one can see what is happening. Where is the justice? How can a partial admission to touching a child be redacted from the investigator’s report and no one questions it! How can crucial evidence just be dismissed when it so clearly proves the child is telling the truth! Then when the non offending parent questions why they are blatantly ignoring evidence their rights are taken away! Please someone make it make sense!
*Really glad to see you covering this. "a culture that prioritizes men’s access to their children over children’s safety and well-being" I emphasize this as TRUER than people want to know. It is not my writing, but if it were, I would probably revise the description of family court being "brutal" to family court being "hopeless." My children, parents, entire family, and I are all victims of what ultimately is a system trafficking in children--it bled us all dry until there is nothing left. The impact even on my parents' mental health has been drastic. I've sat with American moms across the nation (at conferences) whose children are going home to severe sexual and physical abuse, and severe emotional and psychological abuse each night at their father's house, instead of the safety of their mother's house. (And it is not always this bias--in some cases but fewer, the roles are flipped.) This is a serious human rights violation happening our country and the UN has been reporting on the USA's negligence--so that is positive--but at home, it's kept silent.
Some mothers fight through it, some get lucky, some fight for years (think: five, ten, fifteen) and finally 'succeed' in getting their kids to safety. And look: some folks are not rich enough or cut out enough to battle it through. Divorce coaches are worth their weight in gold in what is essentially like navigating a corrupt pirate system (not a judicial system...at risk of being offensive, it's maybe like what navigating a drug cartel must feel like?). Not everyone can afford coaches. But sometimes they are a better investment in an attorney to play the dangerous game.
National experts in this abuse and the corruption of family courts are calling for the abolishment of family court--this is the only solution I heard that sounded actually effective.
Good luck out there moms--if you take this ride, hang onto your hats; It's hard to imagine the risks or losses before you enter into it--it is hard to anticipate the gambles you are making. Two things are for sure--being truthful in yourself is respectable, and, you are not alone.
This was a podcast I wish my mother could have heard when she failed to protect me from her second husband.
I’m not a stay at home mom, nor a fully attachment-style parent (I breastfed, but pumped from work, so he was home feeding them my milk while I worked longer hours and for lower wages, my kids go to public school, etc), and he is very active in their lives. I dont think a court will be appropriate for my situation but I am not happy and that is enough of a reason to myself and children to advocate for change.
For those of us in very tricky nuanced situations (where emotional abuse is insidious and covert, and in my case, directed only to me and not my children), I found the most compelling part of this podcast the part where the reason for the changed behavior (after kids are born) is examined. The concept of the “mother wound,” (and a man’s frustration with his wife’s inability to provide him what he couldn’t get from his mother when their children are born), is really interesting and points back to patriarchy and his own piss poor father (because likely his own mother couldn’t always protect him from his father’s lack of love).
This point reminds me of this article that delves more into the root causes of patriarchal suffering in men and why women must leave in order for us to heal and for them to be faced with consequences for their destructive beliefs and behaviors:
“The Mother Wound as the Missing Link” https://www.bethanywebster.com/blog/the-mother-wound-as-the-missing-link-in-understanding-misogyny/