Family Courts and Child Custody Are Biased Against Women, Not Men

Abusive men are more likely to win custody, and men win up to 93% of custody cases

I know so many men who have fought for custody of their children. All of them have won at least joint custody. And in all cases, a strange thing happens after their win: They begin complaining that the custody system is biased—a system that worked to get them the outcome they wanted.

This is what male entitlement looks like: not only should you get what you want; you should get it by default, without having to work for it. This entitlement birthed the myth of a family court system biased against men.

The data paints a different portrait. No matter how you assess family court proceedings, women are at a substantial disadvantage, and men who fight for custody almost always get it.

Men don’t want to parent their children until they get divorced

Mothers spend roughly double the amount of time per week caring for their children that fathers do, and this figure does not take into account indirect care, like packing lunches and emailing about play dates. An equitable family court system would base custody awards on the time parents actually spend with their children.

A fundamental disruption in the child’s life and expectations to serve a selfish father, however, seems to be the main goal. States across the country have moved to make joint custody the default. So a man can invest almost nothing in his kids, force his wife to do free labor for years (all the while insisting that she’s just better at it), then do an about face and take his kids from their primary caretaker and use the child custody system to ensure that all the free labor she’s done for him for years puts her at a long-term economic disadvantage.

Men rarely seek custody of their children

Men do less childcare, less parenting, less household labor, less of everything that is involved in tending to a child. So it should come as no surprise that this does not change after divorce. In 91% of custody cases, the parents mutually decide to give custody to the mother. Fathers fight for custody in court in less than 4% of divorces. Twenty-seven percent of fathers completely abandon their children after divorce.

Men who seek custody are more likely than not to get it

Fathers who fight for custody typically get it. Even 30 years ago, 94% of fathers who sought custody got sole or joint custody. Abusive fathers are especially successful. Seventy-two percent win their custody cases. In one study where both parents fought hard for custody, mothers were awarded custody just 7% of the time. Only in a patriarchal society does a 93% win rate somehow equate to male victimhood.

Courts happily place children with documented male abusers, and women lose custody when they report abuse

Dozens of children have been killed by abusive fathers; hundreds more women are eventually murdered by abusive ex-spouses. Despite this, family courts tend to discount even extreme cases of domestic violence. In one review, researchers found that, even in cases of proven, documented violence, family courts aimed to maximize children’s time with fathers, disregarding the danger to children.

Contrary to what men’s rights advocates would have you believe, though, women don’t win custody on false claims of domestic violence. Numerous studies have shown the opposite: women are twice as likely to lose custody when they report abuse, even when the abuse is documented. No such bias exists for fathers, who do not lose custody at higher rates when they claim abuse.

Fathers who abuse their children are more likely to get custody when they seek it

The bias against mothers extends beyond spousal abuse. Courts are also eager to place children with male parents whom the child says has abused them, according to this series of case reports. Fifty-nine percent of abusive fathers were given sole custody, suggesting that abusers are actually at an advantage. And even when the fathers did not get sole custody, not one single abuser was denied contact with the child.

In two-thirds of cases, the court pathologized the mother for attempting to protect the child, punishing her for her protective instincts and reducing her contact with the child.

Tragically, the same review found that 88% of children placed with abusive fathers experienced new episodes of abuse after their father gained custody.

Most men are paying a pittance in child support—or not paying it at all

Just 44% of custodial parents get the full amount of child support they are owed. Men’s rights activists will tell you this is because child support is a crushing burden. The data show instead that child support is a small fraction of the actual cost involved in raising a child, and that women actually pay more in child support than men.

The average father pays $5,181 in average annual support—$431.75 per month, comprising about 9% of the average father’s income. The average monthly cost to raise a child is roughly $1,416. So the average support-paying father is shouldering less than a third of the financial burden of fatherhood. Makes it pretty hard to argue that women are somehow profiting off of this pittance, or that men who pay child support are coming even close to providing for their children.

Mothers pay more child support than fathers

When fathers get child support—which they almost always do when they’re awarded custody—they get more. Census data suggests an average annual payment of $6,526. This is about 16% of mothers’ income, which means mothers who pay child support are paying almost double, as a share of their income, what fathers pay.

This figure, of course, just looks at how much mothers pay directly to fathers when the mothers do not have primary custody. To get the full picture, we have to look at what mothers are spending on their children when the children are in their custody.

The average monthly cost to raise a child is $1,416. For many families, especially those using paid childcare, the figure is much higher. The average father pays $431.75 per month in child support, which leaves the typical custodial mother to pay $984.25. Realistically speaking, though, most are paying significantly more, since nearly 60% of men do not pay the full amount they owe and most single mothers must pay childcare costs. Childcare costs alone in the United States average more than $1200 per month.

Using the courts as a tool of male entitlement

Men’s rights activists aren’t interested in fatherhood, or empowering men, or protecting children, or whatever other nonsense they spew. Their goal is simple: they want men to continue getting away with as little as possible at home. And then they want to ensure women are further punished with economic hardship and time away from their children. They want children with fathers at all costs, even abusive ones.

And when they lose custody in a custody system that is so biased in their favor that they win 93% of the time, they never ask why a heavily biased court denied them custody. They demand even more inequality. They won’t stop until fathers never pay child support, and 100% of abusive fathers get 100% custody.

Men’s rights activists want to protect abusers. That’s all this has ever been.

Reminder: Ember Day helps you directly support others this holiday season

If you’ve been following my page for a while, you know about Ember Day. On the anniversary of our daughter’s death, my family celebrates her life by volunteering with and giving money to others. We’ve expanded this into a month-long tradition of fundraising and donation.

I believe in the power of giving directly to people in need, and this is what we do every year. Last year we raised more than $30,000, brought families out of poverty, literally changed lives.

This year, we hope to do even more. Each week on my Facebook page, for the remainder of the holiday season, I will be sharing the story of a family whose life you can change this holiday season. I hope you’ll consider donating and/or buying from each family’s wishlist if their story speaks to you. Even a tiny donation helps.

We’re starting this week with a family I know personally. The Botello-Fernandez family runs Best Friends Farm, an animal sanctuary for abused and neglected animals. They host life-changing camps for kids, especially neurodivergent children. I know firsthand how much love they have to give, because Cecilia is my daughter’s kindergarten teacher.

Less than a month ago, Sophie, the family’s 19-year-old daughter, tragically and suddenly died. Sophie was a heroic and brave human being. Learn more about her in this video interview. This family, who has given so much to the world, is now left picking up the pieces. They need money to maintain their farm, and to recover from this loss. I hope you will consider giving generously.

You can donate to their farm sanctuary here.

You can donate money directly to the family here.

As an added bonus, if you would like to support my work and give money, I will be donating all of the proceeds from this month’s paid subscriptions (both new and recurring) to Best Friends Farm. So now’s a great time to subscribe.

I really hope you’ll consider sharing this fundraiser, even if you can’t donate. This family has given so much. It is a profound injustice that they have lost their only daughter. I’ll post about next week’s fundraiser in next week’s newsletter, and on my Facebook page.

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