Feminist Advice Friday: Co-parenting with a misogynist
A reader wonders how to co-parent with a misogynist ex
This week’s Feminist Advice Friday comes from a recent Ask Me Anything session. And I’m excited to announce that I’ll be doing another AMA on Friday, November 18, so mark your calendars now!
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A reader asks…
When co-parenting how do you protect kids from toxic/non feminist ideas?
My answer
This is so hard. Before I address the substance of your question, I want to give a loud and bold reminder:
The person with whom you choose to have children with will forever affect your future, even if you leave them. This is the most important decision you will ever make.
We must do all we can to protect the next generation from the oppression so many married mothers live with. This means educating our daughters, early and aggressively, about the many perils of marriage. It means teaching our daughters from day one that the most important characteristic of any partner is how they treat you. The partner you choose will dictate the course of your life. Do not make accommodations for shitty behavior, or you may find yourself co-parenting with an abusive misogynist, worried about how to protect your children.
Now that that’s out of the way…
The truth is that you cannot fully protect your children from your co-parents abusive and misogynistic ideas, just as you cannot protect your child from the sexist, racist, horrible ideas in the wider world. This is awful and unfair, but it does have a small up side: It forces you to begin thinking early about how to arm your child against harmful ideas. And ultimately, this will prepare them for a world that is not very kind.
I don’t want to overstate that benefit. Being parented by a shithead is not good for your kids. But you can reduce the damage. And if you feel guilty about leaving an abusive shithead, remember this: spending a fraction of their time with an abusive shithead and the other portion of their time with a loving parent is a better option than living full-time with an abusive shithead. Be proud of yourself for taking steps to minimize the harm your shitbag former partner can cause.
So what should you be doing?
Begin by fortifying yourself against your ex. Do not take their bait, ever. Misogynists love trying to get a rise out of women, so they can weaponize their emotions and label them as hysterical. You have to be comfortable losing (or not participating in) the argument they use to wear you down, so that you can win the war. Therapy. Grey rock method. Low contact. Do everything it takes to remain unaffected by your ex.
Talk openly, and in age-appropriate ways, with your kids about feminist values. Don’t undermine their other parent. Let your child draw their own conclusions. Try something like, “Daddy’s view is that not everyone deserves the same opportunities. I think that makes a worse world. I think everyone should have a chance to be happy and healthy.” Then talk about some specific manifestations of those views.
Treat your kids with dignity and respect. Show them that a feminist relationship style works better and feels better. Set clear limits, but enforce them with kindness, not abuse. Never demean your kids. Give them choices and as much freedom as possible. Do not bend your parenting to cater to your ex.
Consistency is your friend. It’s easy to get distracted by the ever-changing moods of a misogynist ex, or to worry that your feminist values aren’t working fast enough to do whatever you want them to do for your kids. Ignore these thoughts. Kids do best in a consistent, predictable, routine environment. Give that to your kids even if you can’t control what happens at your ex’s house.
Don’t argue with your ex. You can share parenting research, or draw hard lines if he gets abusive. But otherwise, arguing with him about his parenting will likely encourage him to provoke you by more aggressively parenting in a way you dislike.
Listen. Misogynists have great difficulty listening to children, especially girls, because they see children as reflections of themselves, not as individual people. Listen to your kids. The small stuff especially. If they know you care about the small stuff, they’re more likely to share the big stuff. Importantly, know that listening means truly listening—not solving things. Don’t tell your kids how to feel. Don’t get defensive. “No, I wasn’t mean.” Get curious. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be mean. What would you like me to do differently?” Rinse and repeat.
Don’t tell your children what to think. Tell your children what you think. Encourage them to participate in your activism. Talk about your values. But do not tell them what to think; focus on actions instead.
Play the long game. It’s easy to buy a bunch of toys, keep kids up half the night, and then bask in their “love.” But kids know which parent is putting in the time and effort. They know which parent they can go to when they really need love and support. Play the long game here. You’re probably going to see some shit you hate from your kids; don’t project your hatred of your ex onto them. Keep showing up, giving love, and demonstrating that your feminist values really are the superior way to live and be.
Practice what you preach. Children pay attention to what we do, not what we say. And whatever your child’s environment is now is what will feel normal for them down the road. Ensure you’re modeling to your children the sort of life and practices you hope they will one day embrace.
Back your kids up. There’s this weird notion that parents must be a united front, even when one parent is wrong. Nope. Your kids needs to know that you have their back. This is true when they push back against the other parent, when they get into fights with authority figures, and when they need their emotions validated. Be their advocate, their fan, and their supporter—even when it’s hard or inconvenient.
Push back. If you disagree with your ex’s behaviors or values, be sure to talk to your kids about this. “Daddy believes that we should hit children. I think that’s wrong and that he shouldn’t hit you, and I am doing everything I can to try to get him to stop.” If you can’t stop a harmful behavior, you can at least let your kids know that it’s wrong, so they don’t normalize it.
Readers, what do you think? What have you found works for co-parenting with a misogynist?
I love this so much. Thank you!
I find limiting time with them as much as possible whether it's blocking them on the children's social media or even if possible limiting visits. When you say they see their children as a reflection of themselves, it's spot on and terrifying. My daughter's father is self-sabotaging so of course he'd hurt her too. I wish I had had someone in my life that told me these things before i decided to have my daughter. Instead I got Bible thumpers telling me what an amazing mother I'd be. Which of course I am, but they got it twisted. The father she gets matters too we don't get to just run away.