Feminist Advice Friday: Dealing with people who talk too much
For the love of God, how can I get them to stfu?
A reader asks…
It’s the holiday season. I’m going to be going to work parties and family events, where I’ll inevitably be cornered by people who want to verbally vomit on me for hours. I’m friendly, I swear! People who talk too much drive me up a wall, and I really don’t want to be rude. How can I escape their endless yammering without violence?
My answer:
Oh God, I really hate this, too.
Before I talk about how to handle it, I want to do a little PSA:
A lot of the excessive talkers I know realize that they talk too much. They may even identify as “talkers,” and find it amusing or deem it a minor personality quirk. I need those folks to listen: Excessive talking is a domineering, obnoxious, bullying behavior (even if you don’t intend it to be, because impact matters more than intent). It is a profoundly alienating behavior that disadvantages you at work, social events, and in your relationships. It’s the sort of thing that makes people avoid you, and dread interacting with you.
You have to recognize this behavior for the immense problem it is, and work hard to get it under control. I’m sorry. I know that hurts to hear. We all have obnoxious flaws, and if you talk too much, this is yours.
Dear reader, when dealing with compulsive talkers, I think it’s really important to lead with empathy, and figure out what’s going on behind the endless bloviating. This will help determine how best to cope. In my experience, there are basically three types of excessive talkers:
The lonely and socially isolated: These are people who are so excited to have someone to talk to that they can’t shut up. Their excessive talking is situational, not innate. And often, they calm down after a few conversations.
People who need to feel heard: This, too, is situational. All of us talk to excess sometimes—usually when we feel our message is not getting through. If someone is trying to convey something important about their health, their child, their problems at work, their emotions, whatever, they may talk more than is necessary. When this is someone you love, give them a little grace. The same is true if it’s someone you’re responsible for helping, such as a student or employee. It’s critical to make them feel heard; but often, our attempts at withdrawing from these long-winded conversations do precisely the opposite. So commit the 5 to 10 minutes it takes to making the other person feel heard, and you just may get out of the conversation without losing your mind.
People who think they are more important than others: This group is disproportionately white men. You’re more likely to encounter them in work settings. They’ll interrupt and talk over you. They cannot and will not listen to you. And they keep talking in spite of social cues to shut up because they simply cannot imagine a world in which everything they say isn’t novel and riveting.
Groups 1 and 2 require a softer, gentler, more compassionate touch. Their excessive talking is rooted in awkwardness, loneliness, and fear—not the desire to dominate others. Some strategies that can help to constrain the talking include:
Put a hard limit on the conversation. “I have 10 minutes and then I have to [insert non-negotiable deadline].” And then give them your full attention. No cues of annoyance. No phones. No distraction. Often, just getting someone’s full attention is sufficient to end the cycle.
Engage meaningfully with them. Types 1 and 2 often keep talking about random shit because they need to be heard and you’re not engaging. Treat the conversation like a two-way street.
Don’t count on them to follow subtle social cues. They can usually tell when you’re trying to end the conversation. But this makes them feel frantic, which increases the compulsive talking. So no watch-checking or subtle hints. Instead, be clear and direct, “It’s been great talking to you, but I have to go right now.” Then physically end the conversation. Walk away. Ask them to leave your office. Whatever. This is about teaching them to respect your boundaries after you have shown them respect.
Include them. This seems counterintuitive, but people who talk too much tend to be excluded. This makes them panic, reduces their opportunities to practice social skills, and causes them to talk even more. Rope them into group discussions.
Make it easier for them to follow social norms. They’re not going to respond to subtle cues and signalling. So be direct. Directness is kindness. “Hey John, we haven’t given John a chance to talk. John, what do you think?” This kind of coaching is especially important if you’re their manager.
The third type requires a radically different approach. Because this type isn’t anxious. They don’t care about you or getting to know you. They perceive themselves as more important than others, and their words as more valuable. And you may have to get quite confrontational. Some strategies that can help include:
As with the other groups, directness is kindness. When this person approaches you and you are unable to listen to them, be very clear, “John, I don’t have time to talk right now! Sorry!” If they say it will just take a moment, repeat the boundary again, and then make that boundary physical by walking away, closing the door, etc. When someone will not respond to subtle social signaling or clear verbal directives, a more aggressive approach is not rude.
Put a hard limit on your time together, always. Tell them you have a hard stop at x time, and then enforce the boundary.
Do not allow them to interrupt you. Remind them, “I’m speaking” and then continue to talk, even if they attempt to talk over you.
In a group setting, try to corral their aggressive talking. “All right, John, it’s Joan’s turn now.”
Avoid putting them in positions where they can dominate others and waste time. Managers should avoid making them presenters or mentors, for example.
If you have authority over such a person, as a manager for example, coach them about the behavior. It’s not just an annoyance. It creates a hostile environment and can erode productivity.
I publish Feminist Advice Friday every Friday on Facebook. Substack subscribers get early access on Thursday! You can ask your own question via email at zawn.villines@gmail.com, by DMing my Facebook page, or via my anonymous contact form at https://www.zawn.net/contact
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It’s probably also worth mentioning that people with ADHD often talk way too much too. It’s partly as a result of a lack of impulse control, partly dopamine chasing, partly over-excitement due to emotional dysregulation, partly Rejection Sensitive dysphoria leading to people pleasing. They have so many thoughts racing through their minds that they have to get outC and they have to get them out now because it’s very likely they’ll forget them otherwise (which is why they’re also likely to interrupt you as well).
ADHDers who talk too much likely know they do too, but they literally cannot help it. It’s not intentional, it’s not something they want to do and is likely something thehre hugely embarrassed about. I am one of those ADHDers, and all the self awareness in the world can’t change this about me (and please believe that most of us have tried, and tried - we’ll often realise we’re talking too much halfway through a ‘conversation’ and feel mortified but still be unable to stop the words pouring out of our mouths!
Your advice to treat people kindly but firmly would work well here though (and any negative would actually be quite devastating - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is all a debilitating co-occurrence with ADHD, where even perceived criticism can manifest as physical pain.
I just wanted to highlight this, particularly as ADHD in women is hugely under diagnosed (I wasn’t diagnosed until this year, aged 41).
I can talk a lot at times, especially after a couple of wines and usually about my traumas.
I figure, that though this is not helpful, and something that embarrasses me, it's my learned way of coping with the world around me, especially when I'm feeling out of place.
There are a couple of things I have done to try help with this - firstly, not drinking as much, especially in places and with people I'm not fully comfortable, and in general (working on the drinking thing as a whole), and journaling my thoughts.
They both seem to help.
In social situations I'm generally more quiet, or talk less as I find trying to get a word in exhausting at times.