Directness is kindness: How passive-aggression and unclear communication make every relationship worse.

(But it's still not your fault if your husband doesn't do his fair share of household labor).

I’m sick this week with a cold that turned into something more akin to the flu. So this week’s newsletter is short, and there will be no Feminist Advice Friday. I’ll be back to my usual schedule next week. To tide you over, here’s a short rant that I probably would otherwise have posted as a Facebook status:

Directness is kindness.

Indirect communication inflames conflict.

That’s because most of us feel anxious about our relationships with other people. We worry that people secretly dislike us. We don’t know what they think about us. Indirect communication only intensifies these anxieties.

I see it all the time in mom groups. A woman rightfully wants her husband to stop leaving trash all over the house, so she asks him if she should hire a maid, or if he was feeling sick, or whatever—the implication being that he needs to take out the trash. But the message is not clear at all.

So the couple gets into a fight, and because no one has communicated directly, no one even knows what they’re fighting about. This renders resolution impossible.

I also see it, over and over again, writing an advice column. Most advice seekers either have a relationship they need to get out of, or they need to learn to communicate more directly. And most of my advice is about how to do one (or both) of those things.

Women are raised to believe that conflict is unacceptable and that asking for what they need is verboten. So what do we do? We ask in such indirect, roundabout ways that it’s often impossible to tell we’re even asking for something.

“So I guess we’re not doing gifts for our anniversary this year” instead of “It’s important to me to celebrate our anniversary with gifts.”

Or we say just enough to let someone know that we’re angry, but not enough to let them know what they did.

“Just like always, I’m sure it will happen on your time” instead of “When you delay doing chores it stresses me out.”

Or we apply labels and value judgments to someone’s behavior, without ever expressing our emotions or identifying the problem behavior.

“You just don’t care about anyone” or “You’re never supportive” instead of “Here is the behavior I dislike, and here is what I would like for you to differently.”

Start telling people what you need in clear, specific, direct language and watch your life change. Not everyone can read subtext. Not everyone operates from the same norms or assumptions. This is why indirect communication triggers so much conflict and so little understanding.

It’s not just in intimate relationships.

Consider your workmate who talks too much. You’ve probably dropped lots of hints, and nothing works. “I have to stop talking right now and get to work” makes your need clear.

Or what about the manager who keeps dropping hints about an employee’s hygiene, as coworkers laugh behind the employee’s back? How much better off would that employee be if the manager told them, directly, about the issue?

A clear statement of the problem you have and the solution you want is incredibly powerful.

It also allows you to test whether the other person cares about your needs or not. Because once you’ve clearly articulated them, most excuses for ignoring them disappear.