My husband’s job is more physically demanding vs. mine is more mentally/emotionally demanding. We work the same number of hours, though. He feels that because of this difference, he should be allowed to sit with his feet up and/or nap in his recliner while I cook dinner, serve dinner and clean up after dinner and get the kids ready for bed. I can understand needing a few minutes to transition to home and recharge after work, but if he just helped me with the domestic labour between 5-8pm, we could eat earlier, get the kids to bed earlier and get ourselves to bed earlier. He joins the party once our toddler is completely ready for bed, to say goodnight to our big kid and put the toddler to sleep (5 mins). Any suggestions?
Jun 22, 2023·edited Jun 22, 2023Liked by Zawn Villines
That is just another excuse. I'm an ER nurse. It's hard to find a job more physically demanding than mine. I lift people, run, jump, bend, do compressions, get thrown up on and even physically assaulted for 12 hours. I walk in the door stiff and achey. The household labor still needs to get done and because I live alone it's on me.
Your husband is making excuses. Don't let him. He can change out of his work clothes (that alone makes me feel a lot better after work) or even take a shower if he's covered in muck, but he doesn't get to abdicate being an adult. His job is just as much of a choice as mine is. And men ALWAYS think their work is "harder" somehow because that's what the culture tells them: Your wife is lazy. She gets to be with the kids all day. Nevermind that she ALSO has a demanding job; that's a freebie she should feel bad about because it makes her a Bad Mother to not prioritize her real job of the kids, even though husbands certainly like the money you bring in.
I’m in this same situation, though we’ve only been together 3.5, his improvement is both noticeable and Too. Damn. Slow. I’ve been waffling a lot on how to keep approaching this from a gentler angle, and getting really damn clear that whether or not he’s conscious of it, his behavior is SEXIST. Hoping this word will shock and appall him, I’m getting closer to using it in the hopes it will open his eyes to what the imbalance really feels like for me.
Gentle doesn't work. We live in a patriarchy. The advantages of household labor inequality are immense, and a gentle nudge is not going to stop your partner from taking advantage of you. Consequences, most notably the end of the relationship, are the only option that offer any hope of change.
The privileged always say they "need time" and demand gentleness from the oppressed, because that helps them preserve the power dynamic of "You have to suffer, while I get endless patience and perks."
The oppressed can and should immediately demand and take what they need and deserve. The privileged will ALWAYS whine no matter what you do, so you may as well get your rights.
I can relate to this soo much. My STBX actually does the cooking and grocery shopping and does his own laundry while at times working 80-90 hours per week. He would be perfectly content with me doing everything else and apparently his excuse is “I do more than any husband I know” and that’s supposed to make me grateful.
The cost of him doing these 2 things is that (1) he doesn’t plan ahead so when he works those hours, he doesn’t buy groceries for the at time & we run out of food. Yes I will go buy groceries but sometimes he does get to the grocery store too so he always tells me he’s got it. Also, he actually complains when I go buy groceries because I try to buy for the week and not for 1-2 days like he does. (2) his participating in some household labor has resulted in a very unhappy, irritable person who has no interest in sex and he’s completely emotionally detached. If I bring this up (or any complaint), I get berated and verbally abused (my mother some how gets brought up in it all too). I literally can say “you can’t yell at the kids like that. You need to calm down” and it turns into “your mother is an F-ing B and you don’t appreciate that I sacrifice I make by putting up with her”.
I’m curious about something? Can and do abusive men change?
I’ve been with my husband for 26 years, married for almost 12. It took me well over 20 years to start seeing the red flags, and even then it was 25 years before I started seeking professional help.
In the last couple of months he’s changed. He’s helping more around the house (still way less than half), he’s calmer, less yelling, and even suddenly cares about our son’s emotional intelligence, something he would have eye rolled at a year ago.
But every now and then there’s still a little hint of what lies underneath. And I find I’m not trusting this new & improved version of my husband and I’m waiting for the mask to slip. The big thing for me was that I told him I needed him to go to counselling to deal with his underlying “stuff” just over a year ago, and he still refuses. So it seems like it’s all just an act to show me what a great person he can be, without actually doing the hard work.
My husband’s job is more physically demanding vs. mine is more mentally/emotionally demanding. We work the same number of hours, though. He feels that because of this difference, he should be allowed to sit with his feet up and/or nap in his recliner while I cook dinner, serve dinner and clean up after dinner and get the kids ready for bed. I can understand needing a few minutes to transition to home and recharge after work, but if he just helped me with the domestic labour between 5-8pm, we could eat earlier, get the kids to bed earlier and get ourselves to bed earlier. He joins the party once our toddler is completely ready for bed, to say goodnight to our big kid and put the toddler to sleep (5 mins). Any suggestions?
That is just another excuse. I'm an ER nurse. It's hard to find a job more physically demanding than mine. I lift people, run, jump, bend, do compressions, get thrown up on and even physically assaulted for 12 hours. I walk in the door stiff and achey. The household labor still needs to get done and because I live alone it's on me.
Your husband is making excuses. Don't let him. He can change out of his work clothes (that alone makes me feel a lot better after work) or even take a shower if he's covered in muck, but he doesn't get to abdicate being an adult. His job is just as much of a choice as mine is. And men ALWAYS think their work is "harder" somehow because that's what the culture tells them: Your wife is lazy. She gets to be with the kids all day. Nevermind that she ALSO has a demanding job; that's a freebie she should feel bad about because it makes her a Bad Mother to not prioritize her real job of the kids, even though husbands certainly like the money you bring in.
Call him out and tell him to grow up.
I’m in this same situation, though we’ve only been together 3.5, his improvement is both noticeable and Too. Damn. Slow. I’ve been waffling a lot on how to keep approaching this from a gentler angle, and getting really damn clear that whether or not he’s conscious of it, his behavior is SEXIST. Hoping this word will shock and appall him, I’m getting closer to using it in the hopes it will open his eyes to what the imbalance really feels like for me.
Gentle doesn't work. We live in a patriarchy. The advantages of household labor inequality are immense, and a gentle nudge is not going to stop your partner from taking advantage of you. Consequences, most notably the end of the relationship, are the only option that offer any hope of change.
Also, next week's feminist advice friday is directly on point to this question, so you'll want to check it out!
The privileged always say they "need time" and demand gentleness from the oppressed, because that helps them preserve the power dynamic of "You have to suffer, while I get endless patience and perks."
The oppressed can and should immediately demand and take what they need and deserve. The privileged will ALWAYS whine no matter what you do, so you may as well get your rights.
this!!! or us presenting it in a more 'palatable/less aggressive' way for them -_-
I can relate to this soo much. My STBX actually does the cooking and grocery shopping and does his own laundry while at times working 80-90 hours per week. He would be perfectly content with me doing everything else and apparently his excuse is “I do more than any husband I know” and that’s supposed to make me grateful.
The cost of him doing these 2 things is that (1) he doesn’t plan ahead so when he works those hours, he doesn’t buy groceries for the at time & we run out of food. Yes I will go buy groceries but sometimes he does get to the grocery store too so he always tells me he’s got it. Also, he actually complains when I go buy groceries because I try to buy for the week and not for 1-2 days like he does. (2) his participating in some household labor has resulted in a very unhappy, irritable person who has no interest in sex and he’s completely emotionally detached. If I bring this up (or any complaint), I get berated and verbally abused (my mother some how gets brought up in it all too). I literally can say “you can’t yell at the kids like that. You need to calm down” and it turns into “your mother is an F-ing B and you don’t appreciate that I sacrifice I make by putting up with her”.
I’m curious about something? Can and do abusive men change?
I’ve been with my husband for 26 years, married for almost 12. It took me well over 20 years to start seeing the red flags, and even then it was 25 years before I started seeking professional help.
In the last couple of months he’s changed. He’s helping more around the house (still way less than half), he’s calmer, less yelling, and even suddenly cares about our son’s emotional intelligence, something he would have eye rolled at a year ago.
But every now and then there’s still a little hint of what lies underneath. And I find I’m not trusting this new & improved version of my husband and I’m waiting for the mask to slip. The big thing for me was that I told him I needed him to go to counselling to deal with his underlying “stuff” just over a year ago, and he still refuses. So it seems like it’s all just an act to show me what a great person he can be, without actually doing the hard work.
Am I asking too much? Am I being unfair?