Feminist Advice Friday: How do I set better boundaries with my parents?
Boundaries only exist when you enforce them.
A reader asks…
My parents were never physically abusive, but they’re definitely very emotionally immature. In adulthood, I’ve had a number of conflict with them, and now that I have kids, they want to baby-sit.
I continuously try to set boundaries with them: about where we will have Christmas, about when they can come over, about how they speak to my kids. But then they run all over them.
I recently stopped talking to them, but then my mom guilted me, my dad demanded contact with my kids, and we’re back to where we were. I don’t want to cut my kids off from their grandparents, and don’t want to go no-contact. But what can I do here?
My answer
Boundaries exist for you, not the people with whom you’re trying to set boundaries. This seems to be the fundamental disconnect here. You think that boundaries are a rule you communicate, that the other person obeys. And that if they don’t obey the rule, they’ve crossed your boundary and there’s nothing to do but go no contact.
Last year, someone asked me how to set boundaries with their partner. I had some difficulty answering that question because, on first reflection, I thought that I don’t really have any boundaries with my partner. Thinking through that question made me realize something critical though:
Boundaries generally only are visible when you have a relationship with a boundary violator. I of course have lots of boundaries with my husband: He’s not allowed to hit me, or to call our children names, or to have secret relationships. But because he doesn’t do these things, I never have to consider these boundaries—or enforce them.
You’re in a different situation. Your parents don’t respect you or your boundaries, and so you must be constantly mindful of what those boundaries are.
You say you’ve tried setting boundaries with your parents. This isn’t actually true. Because when your parents violate your boundaries, you go along with it. Or you punish them for a while, then let them guilt trip you into getting what they want.
The lesson to them is clear: These boundaries don’t actually exist, and bad behavior (guilt tripping and threats, for example) can get you to tear down your boundaries. You’re teaching them to mistreat you.
This doesn’t mean their boundary-violating behavior is your fault, of course. You didn’t cause it. You’re just unlucky. That means you have to get really good at enforcing boundaries. Here are my rules for good boundary-setting:
Boundaries are clear and specific
You don’t have to communicate your boundaries to another person. It’s perfectly reasonable to just start enforcing them, particularly if you’re dealing with an abusive person who makes communication difficult.
If the relationship is with someone whom you hope to have honest, open communication with, though, communicating your boundaries is important.
But you have to be specific.
Clear, direct, specific communication tends to be really difficult for people with a history of abuse, as well as for people who struggle to set boundaries. Here are some examples of ineffective, indirect boundaries:
I want us to be clear about what we want.
I don’t want us to be codependent.
I want things to be different from before.
I want you to be nice to my kids.
These suggestions don’t tell the other person what you want or need. Instead, boundaries look like this:
If you hit or yell at my kids, you won’t be able to baby-sit anymore.
You are welcome to disagree with my parenting, but I don’t want to hear about it and I’m not going to argue about it.
If you insult my wife, then I will not force her to spend time with you, and will not make any special accommodations to spend time with you.
Boundaries include enforceable consequences
People who violate boundaries have little reason to follow a long list of rules; the need for boundaries exists precisely because a person ignores another person’s stated or implied needs.
Boundaries must include consequences. These are the things you will do if the other person ignores your needs. Good consequences require nothing from the other person, and are highly specific. “If you yell at my kids we might have to look at you baby-sitting less” is not a good boundary because it’s unclear, but “If you yell at my kids I will not allow you to baby-sit anymore” is great.
Some examples of consequences that can work include:
Limiting unsupervised contact, such as by not allowing a person to baby-sit
Reducing time together
Not spending holidays together, or only doing the holidays at your house
Refusing to allow contact with another person, without making adjustments. For example, if your parents mistreat your spouse, you might decide they are no longer allowed to see your spouse, but you will not a) reduce time with your spouse to spend time with them; b) make special trips without your spouse.
Sharing fewer details about your life.
Going low- or no-contact.
Boundaries keep you safe
Enforceable consequences can encourage a person to behave better. But they’re not intended to be punishments. Rather, the goal is to keep you safe. You must protect yourself and your family from your parents’ problematic behavior. So consider how to shield your kids from abuse, how to reduce stress, how to spend less time running around, and then construct your boundaries with those goals in mind.
Boundaries should also reduce your exposure to triggers. For example, if you tend to cater to your parents at the holidays, running around and doing whatever they want, you need to reduce the experiences that trigger this behavior. That might mean no longer having the holidays at your parents’ house.
Boundaries are reasonable
You are allowed to set whatever boundaries you want. If you want to mandate that your parents only spend their time making hand-crafted stickers with your children while singing a highly specific Winnie the Pooh song, no one can stop you.
But to preserve the relationship, if that is your goal, your boundaries must be directions your parents can actually follow. Focus on the rules that keep your child and your family safe, and make sure your parents have the opportunity to learn any necessary skills. For example, if you expect your parents to talk about emotions rather than punish, and they’ve never done this before, you need to show them how you do it or direct them to a good resource.
You’re not obligated to teach them. But they will fail if you don’t. This is where you ask yourself how much effort you’re willing to put into the relationship. There’s no right answer; zero effort is completely acceptable.
Boundaries must be enforced
Your mistake with your parents is that you have not actually enforced your boundaries. This teaches them that those boundaries don’t exist at all. Enforcement of boundaries must be swift, and the consequences must be significant. The goal should be for the risks of violating your boundaries to be far more significant than any potential benefits.
Think of a dog learning to walk on a leash. At first, she probably pulls a lot, runs into you, and generally acts like a clueless asshole. Over time, she learns to walk better, and the presence of the leash becomes a mere formality.
This is how good boundaries work. With time, your parents will learn that crossing your boundaries does not work, so they might as well avoid the hassle of doing so. Enforce every boundary. Never give into the guilt trip. And tell your parents exactly why you are enforcing each consequence.
“Mom, we talked before about not yelling at Sarah. I can’t let you have alone time with her if you’re going to yell, so you won’t be able to baby-sit this weekend.”
Readers, do you have any additional advice for setting boundaries with parents?
I needed this. Thank you 💜
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