Feminist Advice Friday: How do I stop losing it on my kids?
I know that gentle parenting is better for them, but it is exhausting and so hard. How can I do better?
A reader asks…
Probably like a lot of your readers, I want to do things differently than my parents did them. I’ve read the research on gentle parenting. I know it works, and every time I see a gentle parenting video, I feel inspired to do better.
The daily realities of gentle parenting are So. Fucking. Hard. And I often yell, then hate myself for doing it as I watch my kids’ little spirits be crushed. I hate it, I hate myself, and I worry one day they will hate me for it. Meanwhile, I’m constantly having to police my husband, who doesn’t bother to research anything, whose reactions are basically random, and whose parenting is often very much not gentle. So I feel incredible pressure to balance out his parenting (yes, I realize I could and probably should divorce the motherfucker, but I can’t for Reasons and even if I could he’s still going to be spending time with them, so…)
Please tell me how I can do better. I really, really want to do better. I feel like a shit mom.
My Answer:
Dear, sweet friend, please stop beating yourself up. Gentle parenting begins with being gentle with yourself.
So let me ask you this: Does feeling ashamed of your parenting serve any purpose at all? Or does it just make you more stressed, more overwhelmed, and therefore more likely to explode? That guilt you’re feeling is a tool of patriarchy that only undermines you. Let that shit go.
It feels like most commentary on gentle parenting focuses on convincing people to parent gently, rather than teaching them how to do it. Culturally, we talk about gentle parenting as if it only requires a few scripts and a minor shift in mindset. That makes sense, because the people undertaking gentle parenting are almost exclusively women.
So of course we’re not willing to acknowledge the effort it takes. Whether it’s the challenges of giving birth, the intellectual rigors of relating to a baby, or the sheer efficiency it requires to be a working mom, we absolutely hate giving women credit for doing anything that’s challenging, especially when it’s something women routinely do. Maybe that’s why we we want to attribute so much of what women do to hormones and genes. She hasn’t read scientific studies and thought long and hard about how to do this and struggled with balancing her life! She’s just innately nurturing! It’s easy for her!
It’s not easy. And it’s especially not easy when you have someone undermining you in your home. Parenting is exhausting work from which there is no break, and for which there is no credit. Gentle parenting requires almost miraculous levels of self-control, emotional intelligence, and insight. It requires you to constantly ignore your own emotions and empathize with someone who is being, well, and asshole.
How much practice do any of us really have empathizing with someone who says they hate us and want us dead? How many opportunities does life afford us to remain patient nonstop, forever, even when we’re sleep-deprived and struggling at work?
Motherhood is, for most of us, our first and only chance to sharpen these skills.
I say all of this, which most mothers already know, to emphasize that this shit is impossibly hard, and perfect parenting is unattainable. I also know there are always childless readers who fail to grasp just how much skill and emotional intelligence even mediocre mothering requires.
So how do we fix this?
It begins with recognizing why certain behaviors trigger anger and rage for you. Rather than lambasting yourself for yelling, next time it happens, I want you to pause and reflect on the why. This is the first step toward more mindful parenting. Some of the most common reasons our children trigger us include:
You’re worried about what your audience thinks. Maybe your judgmental mother-in-law is watching. Maybe your kid refuses to go to school, and you can just feel the teachers radiating contempt for your parenting. Perhaps your child is not meeting a culturally normative milestone and people are starting to talk. The only person to whom you are accountable for your parenting is your child. Fuck everyone else. Ignore the bystanders. They don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about, and they probably couldn’t stay calm either.
You’re watching your child experience something you struggled with. Parents often lash out when their kid does something they did that caused their parents to lash out. This happens for two reasons: These behaviors feel normal and comfortable, and when you didn’t get love at a time you needed it, it becomes difficult to give the same love to yourself. Reach deep within. Think about what you needed as a child. Be that person for yourself by being that person for your child.
You are panicked about the future, and catastrophizing. One of the biggest challenges of parenting is that we don’t know what the future holds. So we worry about everything potentially negatively affecting our kids’ long-term future. The kid who has separation anxiety will never go to school or get into college! The kid who can’t read yet won’t get a job! The kid who can’t sleep alone will never be independent or move out! And society is all too happy to tell us that every single parenting choice we make will ruin everything (and that the opposite of that parenting choice will, too, since no matter what you do as a mother, it’s wrong). Almost everything is a stage. My oldest no longer throws her food so high it sticks to the ceiling. Now my youngest is the one doing it, and my oldest is the one yelling at her for it. Remind yourself that this is a stage—even if the behavior lasts forever, the effects it has now and the way you feel about it will not.
Your basic needs are not met. No one can be calm and empathetic when they’re starving, exhausted, or in pain. And society has made these three things hallmarks of dedicated motherhood. We tell women to get up all night with the baby and push through postpartum pain and ignore their own hunger and other needs so that they never, ever ask their partners for anything. Pause. Breathe. Put on your own oxygen mask. Do whatever you can to meet as many of your own needs as you can. Everything is worse when you’re tired and hungry.
You need your child to do something so you can meet your own or someone else’s basic needs. Most of us need our kids to go to school so we can work. We need our kids to go to bed so we can relax. We need our kids to clean up their rooms so the house does not descend into chaos. If your child is doing something that undermines your well-being or refusing to do something that someone else’s well-being hinges on, you’re more likely to rage. Remember that rage is likely to make the problem worse. Screaming at your kid at bedtime is going to activate them, and make bedtime take longer. So take a pause, and adjust your approach.
Therapy can help, too, especially if you have a lot of trauma or the circumstances of your life truly feel unbearable.
Finally, remember this: No one can be perfect all the time. I think children benefit from seeing that their behavior affects others. That being mean or inconsiderate or whatever can push other people to the brink. Sometimes, I think that’s even the goal. Kids want to see exactly which behaviors emotionally wreck their parents because this helps them better understand what behavior is and is not acceptable in the world.
It is normal to lose it. As long as you’re not calling them names or hitting them, you’re fine. You absolutely must apologize, though. This models to children that when we fuck up, we have to make amends. And it helps raise a generation of people who know how to fix their behavior, rather than beginning fake apologies with “I’m sorry if…”
So tell your kid you’re sorry. Tell them yelling is wrong, but we all get overwhelmed sometimes. Promise to do better. And critically, ask them what will help repair the relationship. Kids can be remarkably insightful about moving past conflict if you give them the opportunity to be.
A lot of people find that gentle parenting is hard, then decide it doesn’t work and give up. You’re already a great mom because you recognize that an authoritative (not authoritarian or permissive) approach is the best way forward. You’re doing great. And thinking otherwise just doesn’t serve you or your child.
Readers, what are your tips?
I agree wholeheartedly with this! It is sensitive and firm advice. I have been reading a great book with more that is supportive of this post: Very Intentional Parenting. Destini Ann Davis.
https://www.octaviabooks.com/book/9780744057065
TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST. I am in the thick of a terrible custody battle with an entitled man, and I cannot express enough how this is the key to it all. It is radical to take care of yourself first… not with excessive consumerism but with sincere love and balance.
I feel like I wrote that question. It sucks to have a husband who is determined to maintain the entitlement of everyone acting like his crew that he's the captain of. And totally relate to the can't get divorced thing. For many reasons, but most of all- he's going to see the kids anyway and at least when I'm there the whole time, I can curb the worst of his habits around them and I can keep them safer. If I wasn't there, it would be so much worse. I think a lot of people don't understand that when they tell women they should just get divorced already while she's still raising kids. Even kids who grow up and say they think their parents would have been better off divorcing earlier probably don't appreciate how much their moms absorbed the worst of their dads' behaviors during that time so that it didn't affect them as much as it otherwise would have. I think a lot of kids whose parents divorced after the kids were raised and have good relationships with their dads might not appreciate how crucial their moms were to that relationship staying in tact for them.