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How mom-guilt keeps women beholden to men
Moms today spend more time with their kids than moms of previous generations, even though we are also more likely to work, and more likely to work longer hours. We have less time to tend to even our most basic needs. The data show that our sleep suffers for years after having a baby, and we lose 650 hours of sleep in the first postpartum year. That’s more than seven times as much sleep as fathers lose after having a baby.
We’re working harder than ever. We’re doing more. And we’re doing more as we watch our partners perpetually get away with doing less. So why do we feel so guilty? And why do our male partners, who do less, sleep more, give up less, and treat parenting as a choice rather than an obligation, walk through life so blissfully free of guilt?
It’s because mom guilt is a conspiracy. No, it really is.
It works like this:
We saddle mom with a list of tasks that are impossible for any person to do on their own:
Be an involved, present mom all the time. Teach your kids, play with your kids, teach them emotional regulation. Discipline them, but kindly. Prepare them for school. Ensure they get the best of everything.
Maintain a clean house at all times, even while encouraging imaginative play.
Feed your children perfect meals.
Discipline your children.
Expose your children to all kinds of interesting things—museums, symphonies, parks, restaurants. But never inconvenience anyone with their behavior, and leave immediately if you do.
Maintain a “perfect” body. But don’t be vain about it and don’t take time away from your children to do it.
Tell your husband what chores need to be done, but never nag him and don’t expect him to actually do those chores.
Make every holiday magical and special, but never place any demands on anyone else. Your husband cannot be expected to correctly wrap presents. That’s maternal gatekeeping.
Work full-time. Don’t leech off of a man.
Participate at school. Volunteer.
Show up for everything—but don’t take time off of work.
All of this isn’t enough, though. You also have to do it the right way:
Breastfeed, but don’t be a lactivist, and never in public or without a cover. Don’t make anyone feel weird or uncomfortable.
Advocate for your child, but don’t be pushy.
Try not to die giving birth, but don’t have a birth plan or ask your doctor questions.
Be an authoritative parent, but never lose your temper.
Be a gentle parent, but don’t be permissive.
Give your children the best. Don’t spoil them.
It’s easy! Just do it all, all the time. And never complain. Complaining is bad for children.
We tell moms this is easy. We make jokes about partners who don’t participate equally because women’s time doesn’t matter, and stealing it is funny—not abuse.
So when moms can’t cope—and none of us can because it is literally impossible to live up to these standards—we feel guilty.
That guilt inspires us to work even harder to meet these unrealistic motherhood norms. We repeatedly fall short, initiating a cycle of worse and worse guilt that makes us try harder and harder, neglecting ourselves more and more.
And patriarchy is the beneficiary. Because when moms feel guilty, they’re not inclined to ask anyone else to help, especially their spouses. So they continuously do more, demand less, and men are left out of the entire cycle, free to enjoy life and free time.
We’re not allowed to complain. That makes us ungrateful.
We’re not allowed to ask for help. That makes us incompetent.
We’re not allowed to demand more from men. That makes us entitled nags.
All we’re allowed to do is burn ourselves out, sacrificing every shred of free time and well-being on the altar of patriarchy.
Mom-guilt is a tool of sexism. It doesn’t reflect your value as a mother or human being.
And why is that dude over there—every dude over there—so blissfully unconcerned by his own parental shortcomings?
If more men felt the sense of obligation women do, we could come together, share the load, and turn parenthood into something more than drudgery.
Top posts from this week
I’m testing out a new newsletter feature, now that so many of my subscribers come here directly, rather than through Facebook. I’m linking to my top Facebook posts of the week:
Is it postpartum depression—or postpartum oppression
Why do men get so angry when I say marriage is bad for women?
How the threat of violence enforces household labor inequality
Why we think anti-sexism in marriage means anti-marriage
Check out this week’s Feminist Advice Friday for more content.
I found your blog fairly recently, and I just wanted to say an enormous THANK YOU for speaking this truth. It has been so incredibly validating to see that I'm not the only one experiencing this and that I'm not crazy for feeling like this is not ok. The additional layer of this mom guilt is the feeling that we're weak if we express it to each other or anyone else, so we often suffer in silence, thinking that's just what we're supposed to do. Thank you for speaking out on this.
And at the end of it all, when I finally left - I was told I was 'not maternal'.
Because I chose to go back to work. Because I chose to take time out for myself. Because I broke up the family.
NO ONE gets to tell me what the definition of maternal is, especially not a male.