Feminist Advice Friday: How should we split chores when I'm a stay-at-home mom?

A reader wonders if she has to do everything because she doesn't work outside the home.

I’m taking the week off this week, and also celebrating the one-year anniversary of #feministadvicefriday. I hope you’ll enjoy this column from last year. Also, a reminder that Feminist Advice Friday is available as a standalone newsletter if you prefer to get just that. It’s also always free. Find it here.

A reader asks…

I've been a stay at home mom since we had our three kids. My husband works an office job that is relatively demanding, but with regular hours. He works between 40 and 50 hours a week. We are constantly fighting about housework and childcare because he says, as a stay-at-home mom, it's my job to do these things. I feel guilty to not be bringing in any income, and feel like I have little recourse when he points to my stay-at-home status. So what can I do? What's a fair balance of chores when I'm a stay-at-home parent?

My answer:

Ah, the weaponizing of a decision you jointly made that benefits the entire family. Something men who don't respect their partners love to do. I'm so sorry that you're in this position, and so sorry your husband is making you feel trapped.

The thing here is that you *both* have jobs. Your job is taking care of the children and home when he is not around. His is his paid work. And you are *both* entitled to a break from your work. The unstated assumption he's making is that your job isn't really work, that it's some sort of favor he's doing for you.

You can test how strongly he feels about that assumption by suggesting you return to work--or better still, suggesting that he stay home with the kids while you go back to work. He knows your job is work. He knows it's hard. That's why he doesn't want to do it.

If he works 50 hours a week and contributes no additional labor at home, then you are working three times as many hours as him, with no time off, no break, no support. This is abuse, plain and simple. Moreover, the research shows that having a spouse stay at home is a huge financial benefit to the working parent. You're freeing up his time and his mind to focus on work, so he can be more ambitious and make more money.

You've also completely eliminated the need to pay for childcare. For three children, the average nationwide cost for childcare is about $20,000 a year--much higher if you live in an expensive area or choose high-quality care. You are doing your entire family a favor, and your asshole husband is...making you feel like the bad guy? Seriously, this dude needs a reality check.

I think you need to start getting together a contingency plan for if you have to leave, because someone who shows so little respect for you is likely abusive in other areas, too. Start documenting his non-involvement. Meet with a divorce lawyer. Get a strong understanding of your rights.

But if he's willing to fix it, the fix is relatively simple. There are two rules you need to follow:

• You both get downtime. If one of you gets more downtime than the other--true downtime, not time playing with the kids or grocery shopping, neither of which are actual breaks--then there's a problem. Likewise, if one of you routinely works (that includes household labor) while the other relaxes, then things are unfair.

• When he is home (or when he should be home, if he's the sort to use a 37 hour golf game to avoid family life), you split household labor 50/50.

He knows what he's doing. He knows you're offering him a huge benefit. Don't be fooled.