Feminist Advice Friday: I'm worried I talk too much
Navigating relationships when you're worried about annoying others
This week’s Feminist Advice Friday is a little different, because the topic sprang from this discussion on my page, not from an individual reader’s question. Some general themes that emerged, which I hope to address here include:
How can I make friends and have good relationships if I cannot control my talking?
How do I know if I talk too much?
How do I deal with the pain of knowing people think I talk too much?
A number of people also pointed out that excessive talking can be a neurodivergent communication style. It can. But so too can just about any communication style, so labeling this as “neurodivergent” does not solve the issue. What happens when one person’s neurodivergence causes them to retreat into silence, or causes talking to sound like nails on a chalkboard, and causes their conversation partner to continue talking regardless of social cues? There has to be some way of dealing with it other than hand waving it away because of neurodivergence.
I am neurodivergent, and for me, excessive talking has often left me feeling silenced, anxious, and overwhelmed. The experience is different for others, and I want to make space for the wide variety of experiences on this page. I’ve written a bit more about my own social struggles, and managing feelings of rejection, here. I think some of this advice may also be helpful to people worried that their talking may be alienating to others.
The original excessive talking post garnered significant pushback and frustration. But I stand by my belief that some level of excessive talking is and can be a major problem; a reader would not have asked me about it if that were not the case. There must be a way to deal with this problem. That doesn’t mean people who tend to talk a lot are bad or unworthy of love. It means all of us are allowed to draw boundaries, and no one is entitled to an endless interaction with another person during which that person has to listen for as long as they desire.
So, what do I have to say to people who worry about their own talking? I’m so glad so many of you asked!
Before I talk about this, I want to be clear that I am specifically not talking about neurodivergent behaviors like infodumping. Nor am I speaking about people who may occasionally be excessively chatty. I wrote my advice picturing the sort of person who aggressively and intentionally uses their speech to bully others, or who cares so little about others that they don’t even notice they are silencing them. I’m thinking of the dude who comes into your office, monologues for 45 minutes, and only stops when you leave. Or the dude who takes up all the time in meetings talking about other people. Or the party guest who talks only about himself, making it impossible for other people to ever say anything.
Folks are sensitive about their talking. Talking is one of the main ways we as humans connect and form relationships. So being told you talk too much can feel like a deep and fundamental rejection, as a desire not to engage, not to hear you.
But my experience is that people who are willing to tell others that they talk to excess very much want to connect with them! They just want to do it in a way that feels more manageable (especially if they’re dealing with neurodivergence). Otherwise they’d walk away, refuse to ever interact again, or openly mock the person. So I hope you’ll consider that, if someone has asked you to get your talking under control, it’s a sign that they want to continue engaging, not that they want to reject you.
If you’re worried you might talk too much, spend some time observing your interactions. Do you learn as much about the other person as they learn about you? Do other people get a chance to share things about themselves? Do you ask other people questions about themselves and their interests and then listen? If so, then even if you’re particularly chatty, you’re likely not engaged in the sort of behavior that alienates people or makes them feel bullied. You’re just talkative.
What if people are giving you cues that you are talking too much, though? What if you find yourself talking over others or struggling to listen?
Then you’re talking in a way that may alienate people. Don’t panic.
Please remember that we all have some obnoxious tendencies that may alienate people. Some are easier to control than others. Some may be impossible to control. In all situations, though, a little self-awareness can help. Understanding the effect of your talking may help you assess the extent to which you want to control it, and the extent to which you are able.
If you feel self-conscious about your talking, it’s easy to turn your attention inward: Why can’t I stop? Why don’t people like me? Are they judging me? Try this alternative: Empathy. Consider things from the other person’s perspective. Rather than judging or disliking you, they likely feel that they would like a chance to talk, too. The simple act of leading with empathy may reduce your anxiety, making it easier to control your talking. It also helps you center your conversation partner’s needs—something we all need to be doing in our relationships.
Some other tips that may help you if you tend toward a lot of talking:
Periodically during each conversation, turn your attention to the other person. Ask them questions. Let them speak without interruption. Even if you talk a lot, you’re unlikely to have social problems if you show you can listen to and care about the other person.
Ask for feedback from people you trust. Do they think your talking is problematic? What would they most like to see you do about it?
Try planning conversations ahead of time. What specific things do you most want to talk about? What is the most succinct and engaging ways to tell your stories?
Consider that your conversation partner may have things they are very excited to talk about. They may be working hard to control their own talking so they can listen to you.
If you feel your talking is problematic and difficult to control, spend some time assessing what’s going on here. Are you worried about not being heard? About being misunderstood? Therapy can be a significant help.
Readers, tell me what strategies have worked for you. How have you managed a tendency to be talkative when it becomes excessive?