Feminist Advice Friday: What do we do about misogynists who think they're feminists?

Spoiler alert: We treat them like any other misogynist.

A reader asks…

My soon to be ex-husband is certain that he is a feminist, because he fills all those progressive check boxes. And yet. And yet.... The invisible labor and mental load were impossible for him to recognize. His paternity leave was less than helpful to me following my daughter's c-sections. He felt entitled to sex and was angry when he didn't get it. He was moody and passive aggressive, and of course there was copious gas lighting. So all of that said, I would love to hear your thoughts on misogynists who think they are feminists. I only found your Facebook page about a week ago, and I love it so much!

My answer:

I live in a really progressive area in a fairly regressive region. Everyone white person here talks about how they’re an ally to Black people. And yet, things are just as bad for Black people here as they are anywhere else. I’ve repeatedly watched self-described “allies” in my neighborhood call the police on Black children for little more than existing.

I don’t know if these people lack the insight to identify how problematic their behavior is. Or if they don’t actually care about racial justice at all, and have merely donned the ally label to fit in. But I don’t really care which it is, because the effect of their actions is the same.

Impact > intent.

That goes for sexism, too.

But also, I question whether the intentions are good with these misogynist feminists.

It is really easy to slap on an ally label and demand praise. And when you’re a dude living in a sexist society, pretty much all you have to do is don the label. Women are just so grateful that you’re not vocally attacking them. So what happens is these guys get a ton of praise for little more than choosing the right label.

When the people who see their actual behavior criticize them, they lean hard into that praise.

“No, I can’t possibly be a misogynist! Look at all these women who like me!”

The identity becomes more important than actually listening to women. Because it was never actually about listening to women. It was about getting praise.

The appearance of being a good person is, to these people, more important than actually being a good person. That makes them particularly dangerous. Because not only will they not stand up for women; not only will they not call out misogyny; they will use their feminist “credentials” to actively undermine women.

That sounds like this:

“I’m a feminist. I believe women. But even I think she’s overreacting.”

“Honey, you know I’m a feminist. If things were really unequal don’t you think I’d be doing something about it?”

“Look, I’m a feminist, but she’s just not credible.”

“All of these women think I’m a great guy. I couldn’t possibly have abused her!”

“Why is it that she’s the only woman in the world who thinks I’m a sexist?”

Your husband doesn’t check all the boxes, because he’s treating you as a servant. Remember that. Because even though you recognize that he’s a problem, your language in speaking about him suggests that you may not fully appreciate the problem.

You do not check any progressive box if you treat the marginalized people in your life with disrespect.

So how can we spot these men before they worm their way into our lives, our beds, our homes? Here are some telltale signs:

• They have a cadre of admiring female acquaintances, and being perceived as a good guy by these women is very important to them.

• The women closest to him—his wife, his exes, his sister, his mother—appear to have problems with him, while other women adore him.

• He spends a lot of time seeking adulation, but very little actually doing anything for women.

• He uses feminism to undermine women. The “I’m a feminist, but…” trope.

• Things are not equal in his household.

• He’s not willing to own any of his own bullshit, admit to any of his own misogyny, or identify the ways in which he replicates toxic masculinity.

Ultimately, we need to call these guys what they are: misogynists. Not a special kind of misogynist. Just the run of the mill dangerous dude we all need to avoid. Anyone can claim a label. Living up to it is another story.