One of my long ago exes was a well known writer and arts critic in the community. He was talented, funny, and regularly made lots of feminist statements in his writing. He said all the right things. I met him at a party one night and I had admired his writing for years, but wasn't attracted to him. He pursued me to an uncomfortable degree. I was 26 and very inexperienced with men (childhood abuse and sexual abuse had made me terrified of them). He was 37. I gave in and began dating him.
He was never physically abusive, but he became more and more controlling and smothering. Early on, I became pregnant by accident, had an abortion, and then broke up with him for a while. He was so angry about it that he disparaged me to his legion of female friends. I was so traumatized by the accidental pregnancy that eventually I wanted to be back with him to have someone to talk about it with. I had to endure his intense anger and conditions after we reunited, as well as the anger and judgment of all his friends. After three years of dating him, I literally applied to grad school in another state hoping to get away from him. He followed me there, leaving his fantastic job to take on hundreds of thousands of dollars in student debt (he also decided to go to grad school).
Once we began living together in the new state, the control and possessiveness became worse. I finally realized that for all the feminist statements he made (and he really did know all the right things to say), he still viewed me as his possession. His feminism was only directed to the wider world, at best. After we broke up, he went on to marry a woman whom he claimed, after their divorce, abused him. She also claimed he abused her. He had a strong steak of vulnerable narcissism, always thinking he was a victim. So, I have no doubt about who the actual victim was.
This post is pure gold Zawn. Please consider reposting it.
One of my long ago exes was a well known writer and arts critic in the community. He was talented, funny, and regularly made lots of feminist statements in his writing. He said all the right things. I met him at a party one night and I had admired his writing for years, but wasn't attracted to him. He pursued me to an uncomfortable degree. I was 26 and very inexperienced with men (childhood abuse and sexual abuse had made me terrified of them). He was 37. I gave in and began dating him.
He was never physically abusive, but he became more and more controlling and smothering. Early on, I became pregnant by accident, had an abortion, and then broke up with him for a while. He was so angry about it that he disparaged me to his legion of female friends. I was so traumatized by the accidental pregnancy that eventually I wanted to be back with him to have someone to talk about it with. I had to endure his intense anger and conditions after we reunited, as well as the anger and judgment of all his friends. After three years of dating him, I literally applied to grad school in another state hoping to get away from him. He followed me there, leaving his fantastic job to take on hundreds of thousands of dollars in student debt (he also decided to go to grad school).
Once we began living together in the new state, the control and possessiveness became worse. I finally realized that for all the feminist statements he made (and he really did know all the right things to say), he still viewed me as his possession. His feminism was only directed to the wider world, at best. After we broke up, he went on to marry a woman whom he claimed, after their divorce, abused him. She also claimed he abused her. He had a strong steak of vulnerable narcissism, always thinking he was a victim. So, I have no doubt about who the actual victim was.
Love your work, this describes my husband & how he got under my radar. Recommending you to women everywhere xx