"If your wife had a brain tumor, what would you do to support her?"
I was onboard with everything here except this line immediately made my brain come up with "leave" as the answer to that question. I was reminded of the stat that a large number of men divorce their wives when they are diagnosed with, and go through, cancer treatment.
I feel so sad reading this. My hang up was that I couldn't even begin to verbalize what I needed--I was a shell and I didn't know any different. Our children depended on me exclusively and my partner was depressed too, and highly unmotivated to figure out what I needed when my response was constantly an overwhelmed "I don't know." I wish that instead of asking me, he would have asked a family therapist or researched how to be an actively supportive partner during postpartum, because I couldn't answer/articulate what I needed--and thus, conveniently, I didn't get any help, because "you wouldn't tell me how to help you." Like how does an exhausted, traumatized human articulate "I need you to see me and treat me like a person, and I need you to research the specifics of what that looks like, because I have to focus on these babies every minute." Obviously I can say that now, but in the reality--there was no way to say that, especially not without the man taking it personally or not following through consistently. I hope this couple has a different experience. It's sweet that he's asking, but it's frustrating that he's asking another woman for advice and instructions instead of taking ownership and researching for himself--especially when there was an ENTIRE pregnancy to research this concept and MITIGATE in advance. Ugh.
And I hate that it needs to be said, but: LISTEN to the doctor's instructions to hold off on intercourse. If your wife wants to be sexual, learn what it means to have sex without putting your penis inside her vagina. If she doesn't, honor and respect that to the nth degree. That means no butt slaps, no breast squeezing (which probably hurt while nursing) no comments about how much you wish you could have sex. You will live.
I think a lot about how generally speaking when we have a very rare instance of postpartum psychosis that drives a woman to kill her children, we immediately blame her as if she wasn't terribly sick. And generally these were wonderful, conscientious parents before their illness happened.
Meanwhile, men who kill their children or even their whole families are almost always motivated by greed or cruelty: Getting them out of the way for a new relationship, or revenge on their wife for leaving them. But we are so quick to blame his mental health, even though the majority of those men have no identifiable mental health condition.
The man asked, "My wife has postpartum depression. What, if anything, can I do to help her?" One one hand, I am happy that this man reached out to ask for help on how to help his wife. On the other hand, I just wish men take some more initiative sometimes., and just do the heavy lifting of research and use emotional intelligence to get some answers and maybe get advice after that. I would have been more impressed with, .."My wife has postpartum depression. I have been doing x.y.z,. My instinct is telling me to do f,g,h. I have also read that I should do a,b,c. Do you have any other advice for other things I should be doing?
The "What, if anything, can I do to help her? is rubbing me the wrong way. OFCOURSE you should be doing something,! Does this mean you haven't been doing anything so far? Boggles my mind.
Didn’t catch that. Seems like the “if anything” is secretly hoping for an answer of “it’s a hormonal issue and nothing can be done, hysterics!!!” So he can conveniently do no work and also tell her that the lAdY eXpErT said there’s ✨just nothing he can do ✨ and maybe she should just make some mommy friends and maybe they could all suck him off while they’re at it because the adjustment has been so hard and nobody is asking HIM how he’s doing 🥺
Social factors are absolutely a primary risk factor. I had postpartum psychosis 4 months after my first. I ended up checking myself into the hospital around 3 months PP, prior to my psychosis becoming full blown. I couldn’t sleep and was incredibly stressed out. I thought I must be manic. After listening to me for awhile, one doctor thoughtfully paused and said “you know, you don’t seem manic at all. You’re thinking clearly and logically, during a stressful time. You sound more like someone in an abusive relationship.” I went home with some meds and I thought about what the doctor said. I noticed my partner was acting emotionally abusive - that night I came home from the hospital, he went out partying and ignored me.
A few weeks later, he began yelling at me after his parents came to visit as I breastfed our baby to sleep (I’d had significant breastfeeding struggles) instead of letting his parents feed the baby as he’d wanted. It was terrifying and sent me completely over the edge, even with my new prescriptions. Once again, I checked myself into the hospital and this time, I experienced a full-blown psychotic break shortly thereafter.
We separated shortly after the birth of our second and I didn’t even experience the baby blues. I was smarter this time - I had a postpartum doula lined up and my family also stepped up. As soon as he threatened me, I filed a protective order. In retaliation, he filed divorce for sole custody. Thankfully he didn’t get it.
It’s amazing how raising two kids, alone, during a stressful divorce didn’t induce psychosis in someone who statistically had a 50% chance of recurrence. Amazing, unless you consider just how important the social factors are that Zawn mentions. Abuse during the postpartum period is deadly and I am so glad I got out and can see my situation clearly for what it was.
"If your wife had a brain tumor, what would you do to support her?"
I was onboard with everything here except this line immediately made my brain come up with "leave" as the answer to that question. I was reminded of the stat that a large number of men divorce their wives when they are diagnosed with, and go through, cancer treatment.
Bleak.
I feel so sad reading this. My hang up was that I couldn't even begin to verbalize what I needed--I was a shell and I didn't know any different. Our children depended on me exclusively and my partner was depressed too, and highly unmotivated to figure out what I needed when my response was constantly an overwhelmed "I don't know." I wish that instead of asking me, he would have asked a family therapist or researched how to be an actively supportive partner during postpartum, because I couldn't answer/articulate what I needed--and thus, conveniently, I didn't get any help, because "you wouldn't tell me how to help you." Like how does an exhausted, traumatized human articulate "I need you to see me and treat me like a person, and I need you to research the specifics of what that looks like, because I have to focus on these babies every minute." Obviously I can say that now, but in the reality--there was no way to say that, especially not without the man taking it personally or not following through consistently. I hope this couple has a different experience. It's sweet that he's asking, but it's frustrating that he's asking another woman for advice and instructions instead of taking ownership and researching for himself--especially when there was an ENTIRE pregnancy to research this concept and MITIGATE in advance. Ugh.
And I hate that it needs to be said, but: LISTEN to the doctor's instructions to hold off on intercourse. If your wife wants to be sexual, learn what it means to have sex without putting your penis inside her vagina. If she doesn't, honor and respect that to the nth degree. That means no butt slaps, no breast squeezing (which probably hurt while nursing) no comments about how much you wish you could have sex. You will live.
I think a lot about how generally speaking when we have a very rare instance of postpartum psychosis that drives a woman to kill her children, we immediately blame her as if she wasn't terribly sick. And generally these were wonderful, conscientious parents before their illness happened.
Meanwhile, men who kill their children or even their whole families are almost always motivated by greed or cruelty: Getting them out of the way for a new relationship, or revenge on their wife for leaving them. But we are so quick to blame his mental health, even though the majority of those men have no identifiable mental health condition.
The man asked, "My wife has postpartum depression. What, if anything, can I do to help her?" One one hand, I am happy that this man reached out to ask for help on how to help his wife. On the other hand, I just wish men take some more initiative sometimes., and just do the heavy lifting of research and use emotional intelligence to get some answers and maybe get advice after that. I would have been more impressed with, .."My wife has postpartum depression. I have been doing x.y.z,. My instinct is telling me to do f,g,h. I have also read that I should do a,b,c. Do you have any other advice for other things I should be doing?
The "What, if anything, can I do to help her? is rubbing me the wrong way. OFCOURSE you should be doing something,! Does this mean you haven't been doing anything so far? Boggles my mind.
Didn’t catch that. Seems like the “if anything” is secretly hoping for an answer of “it’s a hormonal issue and nothing can be done, hysterics!!!” So he can conveniently do no work and also tell her that the lAdY eXpErT said there’s ✨just nothing he can do ✨ and maybe she should just make some mommy friends and maybe they could all suck him off while they’re at it because the adjustment has been so hard and nobody is asking HIM how he’s doing 🥺
😂🔪
YES.
Social factors are absolutely a primary risk factor. I had postpartum psychosis 4 months after my first. I ended up checking myself into the hospital around 3 months PP, prior to my psychosis becoming full blown. I couldn’t sleep and was incredibly stressed out. I thought I must be manic. After listening to me for awhile, one doctor thoughtfully paused and said “you know, you don’t seem manic at all. You’re thinking clearly and logically, during a stressful time. You sound more like someone in an abusive relationship.” I went home with some meds and I thought about what the doctor said. I noticed my partner was acting emotionally abusive - that night I came home from the hospital, he went out partying and ignored me.
A few weeks later, he began yelling at me after his parents came to visit as I breastfed our baby to sleep (I’d had significant breastfeeding struggles) instead of letting his parents feed the baby as he’d wanted. It was terrifying and sent me completely over the edge, even with my new prescriptions. Once again, I checked myself into the hospital and this time, I experienced a full-blown psychotic break shortly thereafter.
We separated shortly after the birth of our second and I didn’t even experience the baby blues. I was smarter this time - I had a postpartum doula lined up and my family also stepped up. As soon as he threatened me, I filed a protective order. In retaliation, he filed divorce for sole custody. Thankfully he didn’t get it.
It’s amazing how raising two kids, alone, during a stressful divorce didn’t induce psychosis in someone who statistically had a 50% chance of recurrence. Amazing, unless you consider just how important the social factors are that Zawn mentions. Abuse during the postpartum period is deadly and I am so glad I got out and can see my situation clearly for what it was.
Bless that doctor. Such a rarity.