My five year old has been asking so many questions about this topic. Death, what happens to our bodies, spirits, heaven, everything. Thank you for this guidance.
When my dad died my twins were 5, my son loved my dad greatly and I told him we were all sad about our loss and grandpa was sad to leave us so soon but that he didn't have a choice. I also told him that we are responsible about living a good life because we don't have control over the length but we have control over the way we live. He agreed with me that we had a great granpa who loved us greatly and that was a gift of life many people don't get. Nearly six yaers after we grief sometimes but we also have a ton of great memories.
Thank you for this beautiful piece of writing. It also affirmed my own approach.
My ex husband's father died when our son was only two. He saw him fading away, and when he died, we told him so. Anything else seemed wrong. He did not have questions in the beginning but sometimes he randomly proclaimed that grandpa died. To which I said, yes, he did. This means he is no longer with us on this world. Some time later, I realised he might be a bit worried since he brought it up a lot so I told him that grandpa was sick and old, and that is why he died, and that the rest of us are healthy and we are not going anywhere. And also reassured him that having a flu sometimes is not the same as being really sick. I made sure to focus on that. It seemed to satisfy him. Sometimes, he remembers his grandpa. Like when they went sledding together.
I also sometimes talk about my grandma who died before my son was born, because I loved her very much and I want him to know our story.
My son is 4 now treats death as a normal part of life. He doesn't seem particularly concerned about it.
I have a nearly three year old and have wondered how to approach this with him so thank you for your guidance Zawn.
Something I’ve always found comforting myself was a friend telling me about the notion that we all experience three deaths - the first death being when we take our last breath (and I suppose our soul leaving our body), the second death being when our physical body breaks down and is no longer present on this earth - those two no one can escape from. But the third death is the last time someone speaks our name or thinks of us - and so there are people who have escaped this last death for decades, centuries, thousands of years. And I think it would be a comforting thing to pass onto a child, that they are able to keep us alive, and we can keep other loved ones alive by speaking of them and remembering them. And that if we leave behind a legacy, there is a part of us that stays here.
On another note - I’ve realised how important casual language around death is too… I’m always saying ‘oh my phone js dead!’ Or ‘the batteries have died’…. So now my toddler sometimes says ‘look mum! I’m dead! Charge me up!’. So trying to undo that at the moment ….
My mum died unexpectedly last year, shortly after my oldest turned 3. We had quite often visited/had her visiting and she had done some ad-hoc childcare, so while my youngest was still a baby, the oldest knew her and remembered her. I had lots of conversations with oldest about death, grandma being dead etc; short ones, with a typical 3yo attention span, and mainly explained in terms of practicalities like “grandma’s body stopped working, she can’t think, or feel, or talk or visit ever again”. Shortly before mum died, oldest daughter had noticed a dead, upturned beetle in our sunroom and had asked about it, and I had explained it was dead, obviously a conversation that had made more of an impression than I realised, because she kept checking “grandma is dead like the beetle?” Various questions have arisen since, I expect more as she gets older, but she has never seemed massively distressed by the conversations, more like adding to the picture and checking things back with me as time has gone on. Never felt the need to hide anything but equally given her young age never felt she had to have the whole story or understand everything straight away. I think it is a process at this age.
You're right about the privilege part. Recently, in our community, a beloved elementary school teacher was brutally murdered by her husband. And, as many people know, there are more suicides during the Jr high and high school years now than there were when we are kids. And that doesn't include oberdose deaths and accidents. My youngest daughter has witnessed so much death, classmates and close friends, by now (she's 25), it's mind boggling. Avoiding the subject when she was little would have put her in a terrible position as she walked through life.
Her father, my husband, just passed away a month ago. I was in tears though this entire post - it was right on. My own parents didn't speak to me for two weeks after he passed, probably because they didn't know what to say and couldn't face what I might say. (I was raised to never speak about death. It was literally sacrilegious.) It took me emailing them, "Don't worry, I'm ok." For them to call me.
You're SO right that being there for each other and our children includes talking about death. If we want our kids to be ok in this world, we need to be there for them and teach them how to weather trauma, and avoidance is not healthy coping.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Are you part of the Liberating Motherhood community? I urge you to reach out anytime. And if you ever need support, feel free to email me zawn@zawn.net
Thank you, Zahn. I'm tremendously touched by you reaching out. I feel the same way. You can reach out to me, too. My son and his wife just lost a child. She passed away a month before she was due to be born. Watching their family (and three older sisters) morn together and being with his wife (who is one of my business partners) was a potent experience. (She was also tremendously sick from having to carry a dead child in he woumb for a week on top of the trauma). Anyway, I deeply felt your pain when you wrote about it.
My five year old has been asking so many questions about this topic. Death, what happens to our bodies, spirits, heaven, everything. Thank you for this guidance.
When my dad died my twins were 5, my son loved my dad greatly and I told him we were all sad about our loss and grandpa was sad to leave us so soon but that he didn't have a choice. I also told him that we are responsible about living a good life because we don't have control over the length but we have control over the way we live. He agreed with me that we had a great granpa who loved us greatly and that was a gift of life many people don't get. Nearly six yaers after we grief sometimes but we also have a ton of great memories.
Thank you for this beautiful piece of writing. It also affirmed my own approach.
My ex husband's father died when our son was only two. He saw him fading away, and when he died, we told him so. Anything else seemed wrong. He did not have questions in the beginning but sometimes he randomly proclaimed that grandpa died. To which I said, yes, he did. This means he is no longer with us on this world. Some time later, I realised he might be a bit worried since he brought it up a lot so I told him that grandpa was sick and old, and that is why he died, and that the rest of us are healthy and we are not going anywhere. And also reassured him that having a flu sometimes is not the same as being really sick. I made sure to focus on that. It seemed to satisfy him. Sometimes, he remembers his grandpa. Like when they went sledding together.
I also sometimes talk about my grandma who died before my son was born, because I loved her very much and I want him to know our story.
My son is 4 now treats death as a normal part of life. He doesn't seem particularly concerned about it.
I have a nearly three year old and have wondered how to approach this with him so thank you for your guidance Zawn.
Something I’ve always found comforting myself was a friend telling me about the notion that we all experience three deaths - the first death being when we take our last breath (and I suppose our soul leaving our body), the second death being when our physical body breaks down and is no longer present on this earth - those two no one can escape from. But the third death is the last time someone speaks our name or thinks of us - and so there are people who have escaped this last death for decades, centuries, thousands of years. And I think it would be a comforting thing to pass onto a child, that they are able to keep us alive, and we can keep other loved ones alive by speaking of them and remembering them. And that if we leave behind a legacy, there is a part of us that stays here.
On another note - I’ve realised how important casual language around death is too… I’m always saying ‘oh my phone js dead!’ Or ‘the batteries have died’…. So now my toddler sometimes says ‘look mum! I’m dead! Charge me up!’. So trying to undo that at the moment ….
This is beautiful. 💕
My mum died unexpectedly last year, shortly after my oldest turned 3. We had quite often visited/had her visiting and she had done some ad-hoc childcare, so while my youngest was still a baby, the oldest knew her and remembered her. I had lots of conversations with oldest about death, grandma being dead etc; short ones, with a typical 3yo attention span, and mainly explained in terms of practicalities like “grandma’s body stopped working, she can’t think, or feel, or talk or visit ever again”. Shortly before mum died, oldest daughter had noticed a dead, upturned beetle in our sunroom and had asked about it, and I had explained it was dead, obviously a conversation that had made more of an impression than I realised, because she kept checking “grandma is dead like the beetle?” Various questions have arisen since, I expect more as she gets older, but she has never seemed massively distressed by the conversations, more like adding to the picture and checking things back with me as time has gone on. Never felt the need to hide anything but equally given her young age never felt she had to have the whole story or understand everything straight away. I think it is a process at this age.
You're right about the privilege part. Recently, in our community, a beloved elementary school teacher was brutally murdered by her husband. And, as many people know, there are more suicides during the Jr high and high school years now than there were when we are kids. And that doesn't include oberdose deaths and accidents. My youngest daughter has witnessed so much death, classmates and close friends, by now (she's 25), it's mind boggling. Avoiding the subject when she was little would have put her in a terrible position as she walked through life.
Her father, my husband, just passed away a month ago. I was in tears though this entire post - it was right on. My own parents didn't speak to me for two weeks after he passed, probably because they didn't know what to say and couldn't face what I might say. (I was raised to never speak about death. It was literally sacrilegious.) It took me emailing them, "Don't worry, I'm ok." For them to call me.
You're SO right that being there for each other and our children includes talking about death. If we want our kids to be ok in this world, we need to be there for them and teach them how to weather trauma, and avoidance is not healthy coping.
Thank you for this post.
I am so deeply sorry for your loss. Are you part of the Liberating Motherhood community? I urge you to reach out anytime. And if you ever need support, feel free to email me zawn@zawn.net
Thank you, Zahn. I'm tremendously touched by you reaching out. I feel the same way. You can reach out to me, too. My son and his wife just lost a child. She passed away a month before she was due to be born. Watching their family (and three older sisters) morn together and being with his wife (who is one of my business partners) was a potent experience. (She was also tremendously sick from having to carry a dead child in he woumb for a week on top of the trauma). Anyway, I deeply felt your pain when you wrote about it.
Sending you love - sheria1967@gmail.com