I strongly believe that martial arts are a GREAT investment for children. Not only do they gain strength, they learn to value their body for its abilities. Practicing and gaining confidence with the physical motions makes them far more able to respond when they are touched/harassed.
Practicing just the vocals at home with friends/family is important too! Have 1-3 things that you practice bellowing (DON'T TOUCH ME/GET YOUR HAND OFF ME/GET AWAY FROM ME) at each other in the back yard. (When I was stressed out as a kid, my dad would have me close both doors to the back room and scream as loud as I could.)
I feel that krav maga is ideal because it's really a martial science instead of a martial art--the focus is on harming the target effectively.
One of the things I've been relieved about my parenting of my now-18 yo daughter is that I wanted to not raise her as I was raised (to be always quiet and nice and acquiesce as much as possible, and for your own good, never say no to your parents), so made sure to say "You can say no" when I or another person of any gender was asking her to do something. This was wisdom of which I didn't even realize the potential positive impact until the past few years as she has aged into "adult" as defined by law. I also did not force sharing of her things, nor promote her giving hugs of such to anyone, including family, if she seemed shy or opposed. My mama heart is so much more at peace now as she enters this new phase of life, knowing she has those skills and is used to using them.
The problems with men started at 12 for me and as my girls approach 12, I'm definitely getting paranoid. It has nothing to do with development and everything to do with the fact that these men are predators. What these men are doing, touching her without her consent or making suggestive comments, would not be 'ok' even if she was actually 18.
Personally, I think that if she's not confident, helping her gain that confidence is the best route. Ask *her* what she needs to feel more confident in those situations and actually act on her recommendations, even if they don't make sense to you. Someone else recommended martial arts, and I think that helps too. There are plenty of techniques that allow a smaller person to disable a large opponent.
Bravo Zawn! As a mother of two girls I wholeheartedly agree. These are some of my deepest fears for my daughters. Actually, this makes me think back to my childhood and why I was always labeled as—- mean. Because as you stated being nice can get you harmed, AND/OR being mean can get you harmed as well. So either way, pick your poison. My defense mechanism was always just being mean, flippant, sarcastic or just having an ‘attitude.’ And so many people women included act so obtuse as of to why this sort of response is cultivated in young girls that are becoming women.
The preying of young girls by men, grown men at that is just grotesque. That kind of subtle yet very offensive, covert micro predatory behavior is real! This shit is deep! Goddess speed to this mother, and currently being in this space. It gets better just be open and honest with your daughter. Talk to her about everything. Again, as stated language is important and the way we phrase things. So with that being said the onus is always on the male. Make sure your words reflect and reinforce that.
My suggestion is that *burning* is too good for these men. Thanks for the resources. I have a 12 y.o. niece and I worry for her all the time. I try hard to show her that she can have a happy, fulfilling life without following all the conventions.
I love the suggestion above of enrolling the girls in Krav Maga. But just generally, I think sport/ physical training is really important for pre-teen & teen girls. As well as developing physical strength and skills, it builds their confidence in, and *strengthens their sense of ownership* over, their own bodies.
The activities don’t have to be competitive, and it’s not about changing yourself to look a certain way or becoming a sporting champion. It’s about building a life-long loving, respectful relationship with your own body.
I wonder who these men are that she is alone with? Or at least without her parents, are they teachers? Other parents? I’m confused about why this would be necessary at her age, I just hope she has other people around and I’m misunderstanding.
My niece has just turned 13 and I feel like I have been trying to negate the outdated messages she gets from her Mum (my sister) and her Grandmother. When we were kids we had to do the forced hugs and kisses with family, including a man who my parents knew was an abuser. He was so gross and we hated it, but we were told to “he’s family, don’t be rude”. It wasn’t until adulthood we found out. It’s insane. Now that my niece is older my sister is trying to force relationships between her and her absent father (the kid is not interested, because he’s an a/hole) and also the new boyfriend. Thankfully she feels comfortable talking to me, and I reinforce to her that she is not required to be nice to men to make them happy, and she is correct in refusing to hug or kiss anyone she doesn’t want to. It make me furious when I hear these things, I’m just so glad she’s grown to be a strong willed kid, but we are fighting an uphill battle.
I have a young son and I want him to learn about consent and bodily autonomy too, not only for him but so he grows up to actually respect and value women as equals. I have no problem speaking up and “making a fuss”, but I wish it wasn’t so prolific and exhausting.
Not to absolutely nit-pick, but "men who are known to be predatory."
A problem is that a LOT of the time, we can't know. We don't know if this teacher or coach or other kid's dad is predatory, and girl children aren't always going to tell us.
I'd say don't leave her in any situation where she might be "alone" (including just getting cornered by some dude invading her space in a crowded setting) with ANY man unless you are 100% certain that he is NOT going to touch her or make uncomfortable and inappropriate remarks or try to intimidate or coerce her into any interaction she doesn't want. And yeah, that's gonna probably look like never letting her out of sight of a female relative who can be trusted to intervene when a guy does bother her..
She's 12.
Getting her started in a strong martial art and teaching her to Make a Scene is good. But I'd think that showing her that the women around her absolutely have her back about the "small stuff" is gonna be important in showing her she can trust you if "bigger stuff" happens.
If you are at an Event with her and you see a guy touch her back or grab her arm or stand too close to her... Or if you see her looking uncomfortable, just go over there and interrupt TF outta him. Be loud so everyone else knows what you said and he can't turn it into "a misunderstanding." Say loudly "why are you so close to MY 12-YEAR-OLD NIECE" and "what are you trying to say to THIS LITTLE GIRL that you can't say over here where everyone else is?" Say "GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT LITTLE GIRL" and "Weird I didn't see you put your arm around any of the BOYS." Get together with the other moms and aunties and older cousins and make a decision that you are ALL going to do this for every girl, every time. When you hear a guy comment on ANY girl's "development," say he is gross right to his face in front of everyone. You want to not put this on her shoulders, and the way you do that is by taking it off them for her.
Yes, there's a possibility that this will put you in some degree of danger, including socially being ostracized or labeled as a "crazy bitch" or whatever. But probably better that you, an adult, face that than allowing her, a child, to try to navigate it.
I HUGELY object to the use of the term “precocious” when referring to girls who have the misfortune to attract adult male attention early. On reading the dictionary definition, one realises how extremely inappropriate it is for this situation, where attention is being forced on the young woman.
I'm 40 and I often think about the multitude of instances adult men screamed filth at me from vehicles, followed me around or grabbed me while I was at my job, or verbally abused and tried to humiliate me because I didn't give them the kind of flirty attention they thought I, (a girl aged 14-18) should give them. I was continually being punished and abused by adult male strangers for walking to and from school and trying to make money at my crappy minimum wage job so that I could buy myself essentials and help my family buy groceries. It made me constantly wonder what it was about me that invited so much hatred in men who should have ignored me or felt a very mild protective attitude toward me as a shy, clearly harmless youth. Years later it still colors my perception of men in general, makes me feel massive apprehension when dealing with men aged 30-50, and it is a large part of what makes me struggle with being an angry, avoidant person in general. It amazes me that our culture hates women so much that the second a child begins to look womanly she becomes a scapegoat and prey who must now take on the responsibility of hiding her body to avoid attention and shy away from public places and activities so that adult men don't take it upon themselves intimidate her and try to destroy her innocent happiness. Thank you for addressing this topic Zawn.
I strongly believe that martial arts are a GREAT investment for children. Not only do they gain strength, they learn to value their body for its abilities. Practicing and gaining confidence with the physical motions makes them far more able to respond when they are touched/harassed.
Practicing just the vocals at home with friends/family is important too! Have 1-3 things that you practice bellowing (DON'T TOUCH ME/GET YOUR HAND OFF ME/GET AWAY FROM ME) at each other in the back yard. (When I was stressed out as a kid, my dad would have me close both doors to the back room and scream as loud as I could.)
I feel that krav maga is ideal because it's really a martial science instead of a martial art--the focus is on harming the target effectively.
One of the things I've been relieved about my parenting of my now-18 yo daughter is that I wanted to not raise her as I was raised (to be always quiet and nice and acquiesce as much as possible, and for your own good, never say no to your parents), so made sure to say "You can say no" when I or another person of any gender was asking her to do something. This was wisdom of which I didn't even realize the potential positive impact until the past few years as she has aged into "adult" as defined by law. I also did not force sharing of her things, nor promote her giving hugs of such to anyone, including family, if she seemed shy or opposed. My mama heart is so much more at peace now as she enters this new phase of life, knowing she has those skills and is used to using them.
The problems with men started at 12 for me and as my girls approach 12, I'm definitely getting paranoid. It has nothing to do with development and everything to do with the fact that these men are predators. What these men are doing, touching her without her consent or making suggestive comments, would not be 'ok' even if she was actually 18.
Personally, I think that if she's not confident, helping her gain that confidence is the best route. Ask *her* what she needs to feel more confident in those situations and actually act on her recommendations, even if they don't make sense to you. Someone else recommended martial arts, and I think that helps too. There are plenty of techniques that allow a smaller person to disable a large opponent.
Bravo Zawn! As a mother of two girls I wholeheartedly agree. These are some of my deepest fears for my daughters. Actually, this makes me think back to my childhood and why I was always labeled as—- mean. Because as you stated being nice can get you harmed, AND/OR being mean can get you harmed as well. So either way, pick your poison. My defense mechanism was always just being mean, flippant, sarcastic or just having an ‘attitude.’ And so many people women included act so obtuse as of to why this sort of response is cultivated in young girls that are becoming women.
The preying of young girls by men, grown men at that is just grotesque. That kind of subtle yet very offensive, covert micro predatory behavior is real! This shit is deep! Goddess speed to this mother, and currently being in this space. It gets better just be open and honest with your daughter. Talk to her about everything. Again, as stated language is important and the way we phrase things. So with that being said the onus is always on the male. Make sure your words reflect and reinforce that.
My suggestion is that *burning* is too good for these men. Thanks for the resources. I have a 12 y.o. niece and I worry for her all the time. I try hard to show her that she can have a happy, fulfilling life without following all the conventions.
I love the suggestion above of enrolling the girls in Krav Maga. But just generally, I think sport/ physical training is really important for pre-teen & teen girls. As well as developing physical strength and skills, it builds their confidence in, and *strengthens their sense of ownership* over, their own bodies.
The activities don’t have to be competitive, and it’s not about changing yourself to look a certain way or becoming a sporting champion. It’s about building a life-long loving, respectful relationship with your own body.
I wonder who these men are that she is alone with? Or at least without her parents, are they teachers? Other parents? I’m confused about why this would be necessary at her age, I just hope she has other people around and I’m misunderstanding.
My niece has just turned 13 and I feel like I have been trying to negate the outdated messages she gets from her Mum (my sister) and her Grandmother. When we were kids we had to do the forced hugs and kisses with family, including a man who my parents knew was an abuser. He was so gross and we hated it, but we were told to “he’s family, don’t be rude”. It wasn’t until adulthood we found out. It’s insane. Now that my niece is older my sister is trying to force relationships between her and her absent father (the kid is not interested, because he’s an a/hole) and also the new boyfriend. Thankfully she feels comfortable talking to me, and I reinforce to her that she is not required to be nice to men to make them happy, and she is correct in refusing to hug or kiss anyone she doesn’t want to. It make me furious when I hear these things, I’m just so glad she’s grown to be a strong willed kid, but we are fighting an uphill battle.
I have a young son and I want him to learn about consent and bodily autonomy too, not only for him but so he grows up to actually respect and value women as equals. I have no problem speaking up and “making a fuss”, but I wish it wasn’t so prolific and exhausting.
Not to absolutely nit-pick, but "men who are known to be predatory."
A problem is that a LOT of the time, we can't know. We don't know if this teacher or coach or other kid's dad is predatory, and girl children aren't always going to tell us.
I'd say don't leave her in any situation where she might be "alone" (including just getting cornered by some dude invading her space in a crowded setting) with ANY man unless you are 100% certain that he is NOT going to touch her or make uncomfortable and inappropriate remarks or try to intimidate or coerce her into any interaction she doesn't want. And yeah, that's gonna probably look like never letting her out of sight of a female relative who can be trusted to intervene when a guy does bother her..
She's 12.
Getting her started in a strong martial art and teaching her to Make a Scene is good. But I'd think that showing her that the women around her absolutely have her back about the "small stuff" is gonna be important in showing her she can trust you if "bigger stuff" happens.
If you are at an Event with her and you see a guy touch her back or grab her arm or stand too close to her... Or if you see her looking uncomfortable, just go over there and interrupt TF outta him. Be loud so everyone else knows what you said and he can't turn it into "a misunderstanding." Say loudly "why are you so close to MY 12-YEAR-OLD NIECE" and "what are you trying to say to THIS LITTLE GIRL that you can't say over here where everyone else is?" Say "GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT LITTLE GIRL" and "Weird I didn't see you put your arm around any of the BOYS." Get together with the other moms and aunties and older cousins and make a decision that you are ALL going to do this for every girl, every time. When you hear a guy comment on ANY girl's "development," say he is gross right to his face in front of everyone. You want to not put this on her shoulders, and the way you do that is by taking it off them for her.
Yes, there's a possibility that this will put you in some degree of danger, including socially being ostracized or labeled as a "crazy bitch" or whatever. But probably better that you, an adult, face that than allowing her, a child, to try to navigate it.
I HUGELY object to the use of the term “precocious” when referring to girls who have the misfortune to attract adult male attention early. On reading the dictionary definition, one realises how extremely inappropriate it is for this situation, where attention is being forced on the young woman.
I'm 40 and I often think about the multitude of instances adult men screamed filth at me from vehicles, followed me around or grabbed me while I was at my job, or verbally abused and tried to humiliate me because I didn't give them the kind of flirty attention they thought I, (a girl aged 14-18) should give them. I was continually being punished and abused by adult male strangers for walking to and from school and trying to make money at my crappy minimum wage job so that I could buy myself essentials and help my family buy groceries. It made me constantly wonder what it was about me that invited so much hatred in men who should have ignored me or felt a very mild protective attitude toward me as a shy, clearly harmless youth. Years later it still colors my perception of men in general, makes me feel massive apprehension when dealing with men aged 30-50, and it is a large part of what makes me struggle with being an angry, avoidant person in general. It amazes me that our culture hates women so much that the second a child begins to look womanly she becomes a scapegoat and prey who must now take on the responsibility of hiding her body to avoid attention and shy away from public places and activities so that adult men don't take it upon themselves intimidate her and try to destroy her innocent happiness. Thank you for addressing this topic Zawn.