How do I implement a family routine? Feminist Advice

A reader wonders how to have a more structured, predictable family life.

A reader asks…

I’d love more info on your routine or tips on how to set up a functional routine as I feel like my family is struggling with that.

This question was in response to this piece, in which I emphasized the importance of a daily routine.

My answer

Parenthood has convinced me that just about everything I once thought I knew is wrong, that there are many ways to be a good parent, and that different kids can need radically different things. The parenting that benefits one kid may harm another, and so our parenting must adapt to the kids we have.

With few exceptions, though, my experience as a parent raising radically different neurodivergent kids—and spending a whole lot of time with a whole lot of other kids—has affirmed my belief that kids absolutely need a routine.

This is a statement that tends to get people’s backs up against the wall. They feel defensive, especially if they don’t have a routine, or if establishing a routine with their kids has gone poorly in the past.

I want to address this defensiveness first.

One of my favorite advice columnists, Alison Green of Ask a Manager, popularized the notion that “not everyone can have sandwiches.” This idea suggests that there is no advice that will work for everyone; someone is always left out, and there’s probably always an argument to be made that you’re ignoring some population.

If we insist that advice cover literally every human ever, then we can’t give advice. The same is true here. I am sure there are children for whom a routine won’t work, or for whom a routine may be harmful. I offer my advice as a mere suggestion. No one is under any obligation to take it. If, however, you find yourself feeling defensive at the prospect of setting up a simple routine, I urge you to consider why that might be.

Often, this happens when a woman lives in a situation that prevents her from living a healthier lifestyle, such as when her husband undermines all routines or creates such disorder that there’s no hope of ever setting expectations. If that’s you, I urge you to look at what’s going on around you rather than resisting routine. If that’s not you and you still dislike the possibility of setting up a routine, then just go live your best life. I’m not here to tell you what to do when what you’re already doing is working.

So, what about routines is so beneficial to families?

Children thrive when they know what to expect. This is doubly true of neurodivergent children, who tend to become more dysregulated without a routine.

Routines reduce decision fatigue. They’re also built around your life to meet your needs. So if you know your kids need six snacks and nine hours of sleep, you design a routine that effortlessly bakes these needs into the day. The goal is to meet these needs without every decision being an exhausting fight.

Routines are also a gift to parents. You deserve some time alone, some time when you do not have to parent. And you deserve to know in advance when you are likely to have this time. This is why good routines establish a bed time, some time for independent play, a chance for adults to rest and reset. Adults need this time, and children deserve regulated, rested adults.

Lots of folks confuse routine with rigidity or authoritarianism. A routine is not this. A routine is an offering. Serving dinner at 6 every night does not mean you force your kids to eat; it means they expect to have food then, and they can decide what to do with that food.

You might want to start by reading my piece on neurodivergent planning and time management, which is where I outline my approach to time and scheduling. The takeaway is that time is our most valuable resource, and that we’ll waste less of it and do more with it if we budget it just like we do our money. A similar principle is at play here.

So what do my routines look like, and how did I build them?

• Start with everyone’s most basic need: sleep. All available evidence suggests to us that nearly everyone benefits greatly from going to bed around the same time and getting up around the same time. My personal experience is that later bedtimes usually mean worse sleep. So research the ideal amount of sleep your kids need, and set a bedtime based on what time they need to rise the next day. Incorporate a bedtime routine that works for your family, and enforce it every day. You cannot force your child to sleep, and shouldn’t try. If your child can’t sleep at the end of the routine, then they get to play or read quietly. Bedtime marks the end of active parenting for the night. The goal here is to give your child the opportunity to sleep and afford you the chance to spend some time alone.

• Next, look at mealtimes. Take your cues from how your family actually lives and how your kids actually eat. My kids rarely eat a big dinner, but will eat endlessly at breakfast, so this is our big meal. Establish meal and snacktimes, and rituals surrounding them. Maybe everyone eats lunch together. Maybe meals are always at the table. There’s no right or wrong here; what matters is consistency.

• Once you’ve nailed down the basics, build other daily tasks and routines into your schedule. Virtually everyone needs to do some self-care each day and some cleaning. So when do you do it? In our family, we pick up toys and clutter before dinner, then do a house reset after we eat. Self-care is in the morning.

• Add recurring activities to the routine: school, lessons, work, the arrival of childcare providers, daycare dropoff. Be sure to build strong cushions into your schedule. Allow ten minutes to get packed up for school, for example, or build time for a transition tantrum into daycare dropoff.

• Incorporate unstructured and independent time into your routine. This is something every family and every child will need.

• Plan fun! Fun feels spontaneous, but rarely is. You’re not likely to stumble across a volunteer opportunity or farmer’s market just wandering around your neighborhood. I sit down weekly and plan the weekend in as much detail as possible to maximize socialization, relaxation, and fun. I also keep a running log of upcoming events and recurring family activities, so that when I need something for the family to do, there’s already a list of options.

• Build recurring fun and socialization into your schedule. You might, for example, plan a monthly breakfast outing with your best friend, or a weekly playdate with your neighbor. When socialization is predictably built into the schedule, it’s more likely to happen. Building playdates into the schedule is especially helpful because this reduces the administrative burden of scheduling them over and over.

• Consider making the routine visual if that appeals to your kids. My kids like to see their daily rhythms outlined for them. One likes to see a schedule. The other likes tasks she can check off. Both find that a visual routine makes their lives feel more manageable. This won’t work for all kids. For some kids, this strategy feels controlling or increases resistance. Follow your child’s lead.

You might be reading all of this and wondering how you can make your kids follow a routine. Well, you can’t. The beauty of a routine, though, is that over time—if it is designed well—everyone more or less falls into the routine. It takes time, which is why you should start slowly (and also why you should persist even if things move slowly at first).

Remember also that the families in most desperate need of a routine are also the families who tend to struggle most to implement a routine. So consider starting with just one daily recurring event, then adding on as you build successes.

You deserve down time. Your kids deserve consistency. A routine gives you this with a lot less effort. I hope you’ll try it.

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