Raising children feels impossible. Feminist Advice

A reader wonders why parenting feels so exhausting, and if the problem is political or something else.

A reader asks…

I’m confused about what is patriarchy and what is just the impossibility of parenting in the modern day United States.

My husband and I both work full-time, him remotely from home, myself in a hybrid role. We have three kids: a toddler and two elementary-school-aged kids. I would say he is an equal partner in childcare, household labor, and the mental load, perhaps he even does more than I do.

The first issue is that I want to take up more hobbies but feel it’s unfair to my husband since he already supports me in one (I’m generally gone one night per week), and he doesn’t have or want anything of his own to get him out of the house. He also doesn’t want me to take on more due to the burden it places on him and the kids and I’m sympathetic to that.

Once our toddler was born, I quit going to church (it wasn’t a space kids could be), quit going to my cycling class, quit the choir I was in, quit going on walks, quit lifting weights. I feel unable to take care of myself and like I’ve gotten so unwell.

The second issue is that my husband and I are both so busy trading off childcare, household chores, and the mental load that we never have free time *together.*

I’m doing laundry while he’s doing dinner. I’m taking one kid to the doctor while he’s picking the other two up from school. He’s dropping off the toddler and grocery shopping while I’m getting the older kids on the school bus. Every weekend it’s, “What chores do we have to get done? Who’s taking the kids when so the other can do them?” It never ends and we’re never together, especially not just the two of us. We don’t have anyone in our lives who can babysit.

I’m mad I gave up caring for myself and I’m mad I don’t have time alone with my husband.

He’s unfortunately as burnt out as I am. We keep imagining a “someday” when we’ve finally earned rest and togetherness but it seems an abject fantasy.

Is this just what it is to be a parent these days? I hear the idea that if men just shouldered their fair share of the burden, women could be free, too. Instead, it seems we’re both stuck on the hamster wheel. My take is that patriarchy pits men and women against each other, but when we join forces, we see how our society enslaves us both.

This to me is the main reason people more generally don’t want to have more children. You can’t have kids and make it work anymore, even with two fully invested partners, grown capable adults who can handle their s#!t. The calculus isn’t there. It’s so unfeasible. It seems like removing patriarchy from the equation still doesn’t solve the problem. There’s no hack, there’s nothing more parents can finagle and rearrange and plan that alleviates this. As a society, we’ve made raising children an untenable task.

I’m so glad to hear you’re starting a parenting feature. What’s your take on this?

My answer

This is all so familiar. I’m sorry. I know it’s exhausting. I would like to offer a gentle nudge to ensure your husband really is shouldering a fair share of household labor. Not because I don’t believe you, but because patriarchy has so deeply infected all of our brains that profound inequality often looks like equality.

I highly recommend asking yourself if there are things you think are unfair to ask of him, but that you would do without question if he asked you. That’s often where you find the hidden inequality—as well as the hidden bias concealing it all. Try my household labor evaluation tool, which may be helpful both for identifying the work that needs doing and for determining who will do it.

Even if you’re splitting things equally, though, parenting is incredibly hard. You’re outnumbered, for one, and you have a toddler, which means you likely do not have free childcare in the form of school. So you’re at the most expensive and exhausting stage of parenting, while also parenting older children whose emotional needs tend to be complex and require a lot of time.

No wonder you’re exhausted.

I’m going to assume for the sake of this question that your husband is like mine, and is a true equal partner. But I want to emphasize that this is really rare, and there are some small tells in your letter suggesting he might not actually be.

Even with an equitable partner, parenting is still really hard, and this is still patriarchy.

Patriarchal societies are organized around the desires of men, and are specifically designed to support men to extract resources from women, and by extension, children.

As a result, they don’t invest in families by ensuring access to high quality, affordable childcare, by funding time off of work for parents, or by building child-friendly communities.

Your challenges are mostly political: an exhausting workload, no childcare, no institutional support for your health and well-being. In hyper-individualistic cultures, we are so indoctrinated to see this as normal that we often fail to recognize the political nature of our suffering.

I highly recommend listening to my podcast with journalist Abigail Leonard, who followed four mothers in four different countries. While many themes were the same, the political realities these women occupied substantially altered their experiences of parenthood.

I say all of this to emphasize the fact that political problems require political solutions. There are no easy individual fixes for problems that have been specifically and systematically designed to harm you for the benefit of others. It is not your fault that things are this way. To whatever extent you can prioritize building community, you can reduce some of the burden—both because you’ll have more people to lean on and because you’ll feel less like your problems are your fault.

There are some things that can make life easier. Some may not work for you, so take what you like and leave the rest:

• Childcare needs to be a priority. Childcare has, for my family, been one of the hardest aspects of parenting. I’m stunned by how irresponsible people can be with children—both in terms of physical and emotional safety, and trust few people with my own kids. So I don’t take childcare for granted, and know it can be hard to find. Still, you must do whatever you can to get a break. Paid childcare is worth it if there is room in your budget. Start searching. Find referrals and do lots of interviews. If you can’t afford paid childcare, it’s time to build relationships with other parents who share your values and trade out childcare.

• Family routines are vital for your family’s success and well-being. My experience is that, the more a family needs and would benefit from a routine, the more that family resists routine and struggles to implement one. As a very regimented person, I see daily how my routine helps reduce dysregulation. It gives me more time, reduces decision fatigue, and helps my husband and me balance the workload. I hope you’ll sit down and find ways to build a family routine that incorporates not just tasks but also fun.

• Multi-tasking is your friend. Are there parent and me classes at your local gym or YMCA? What about childcare? Can you lift weights in the yard while your kids play at a water table? What about getting some exercise through gardening? Caring for your health does not have to look how it looks online, and does not have to mimic the routines of a fitness bro.

• What can you do to get your kids to master independent time? Our generation feels an intense obligation to oversee everything kids do, but kids benefit from time alone, from boredom, from not being constantly entertained. Helping them build these skills can often help you eke out an hour here or there, and that can make a real difference over time.

• Can you structure your time in a way that allows you and your partner to get time together after the children go to bed?

• What about family activities that allow you and your partner to meaningfully connect? Think about some things you both like to do that are family friendly, and take the kids along. Hiking, outdoor music concerts, museums…any of these can be great options.

I am sorry this has become the reality of parenting. Readers, feel free to contribute your own ideas for getting more time and enjoyment in a political reality that is anything but ideal.

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