I had trouble reading this, because even reading about it is apparently hard, too. Too many too many too many women are in abusive situations. 😭 I just also want to add to the pile of what a person can say to a friend in this kind of scenario: “Please go to a therapist who is trauma-informed.” “I will help you find a good therapist to help you deal with this situation.” “I will happily go with you to your therapy appointment(s) until you feel comfortable without having me there.” (Be prepared to sit in the waiting room while your friend is in the therapy session.)
Offer to get her practical help. Help her get her meds. Help her go to a library to find out about resources in the community that will help her GET OUT of this scenario. (My next SubStack talks about how wonderful libraries are for people in our communities!) A librarian can seriously help someone with their needs & wishes & wishes to gain knowledge on any subject. Take advantage of the free resource that your local library has.
Hi Zawn, this article as always, is life changing for the better, thank you for sharing your wisdom through your writing. I did have a friend in the recent past who was clearly in a longstanding abusive relationship with her husband and additionally her teenagers were also extremely physically and emotionally abusive towards her. I did find the awareness of her endless cycles of abuse upsetting. I found witnessing it in person upsetting. I found her reactions to it upsetting. You articulate so well how she recently withdrew her friendship from me after approximately 10 years of best friends as she was very displeased from a couple of texts I sent her, so literally, withdrew her friendship and literally said “you were dismissive of me and that equals plans getting cancelled “ and other comments of this nature. It was really odd. Maybe someone can see something in this to explain? I am upset, but also have my walls up. Your incite-full comment regarding friendships has made me reflect on this, now 6 weeks later. Thank you
This was a tough read. I lost a couple of friends while I was in my abusive relationship. One has been rebuilt, and one has little threads left. The latter is the one I struggle with the most.
It was always laid at my feet - that I was the one staying, that I was the one putting up with his behaviour, that I had some shitty behaviours so maybe I could learn to understand where he was coming from, that they felt they couldn't talk to me anymore while I was still with him. Apparently they can't even now that I'm not. Her husband was equally agreeing with what she said. I can't help but feel betrayed. That it was somehow my fault - because I took it too fast, because I jumped from one relationship into this one, because I was repeating other unhealthy toxic behaviours. It's been hard having any belief in myself since then. Despite reading and believing the things Zawn writes about men and how they treat women and how wrong and disgusting and abusive it is, for some reason I don't see how that also refers to me. So it's hard to trust not only males, but females too
This one was a hard read. I don't ever want friends to be abandoned or isolated, especially in a tumultuous time. And, I sometimes wonder if being there for a friend to vent for years can blow off just enough steam for them to stay in a bad relationship indefinitely. For me, I think a helpful question has been, If this friend never leaves this abusive person, am I willing to stick around forever? Am I okay supporting her no matter what? It also helps me check to see if I have an agenda or an trying to "fix" something in her world. And if that's the case, I take that to my codependents anonymous group because that's my shit.
I believe that the reason I was ultimately able to escape the abusive marriage I was in was because of friends who listened, did not make excuses for his behavior, and had my back through and through. My closest friends had boundaries (and trapped in an abusive relationship though I was, I wanted them to have boundaries), and those boundaries were loving. One of the most important boundaries they had was that they called out what they saw (they called his actions abuse - AND - they told me they were there for me while I was in the relationship and would be there when I was ready to get out.
They loved me and stayed with me and listened as I processed and tried to figure out - for years - how to get out (and they listened and believed me when I shared the dangers of leaving). They helped me find ways to find my power again. They helped me find my self-worth again. They helped me learn how to take care of myself even while being abused physically, emotionally, and financially, including having to do 100% of all parenting for my three kids who all have extra needs (one of my babes is disabled).
Leaving my ex was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done…and I am sure I would have gone back if not for the amazing people who supported, helped, and even let me have panic attacks while they sat with me on the phone.
My best friend of almost 25 years and I have always had a trauma based toxic-like friendship. Her and I both have had severe trauma and she has even experienced SA in ways that taught me to learn about it way back when. We both kinda just walked away from it all recently. No exchange of why's and I'm okay with that. Feel safest for us both at our ages and life positions. I imagine I did something/said something to hurt her. And I likely did. I wouldn't know. I've always tried to repair my wrongs (when assuming I have) because my life has been a mess and she has always been important to me. She's been there for me and I've tried to be there for her although she seems to have only ever shared bits of her life and expects me to known any depth of her journey. We've mostly had aing distance friendship due to me moving out of state. For 17 years I was in my abusive relationship/marriage - she centers men - over just about any human in her life. She's into kink and I'm not. I'm pro-abortion - she's not - I was granted access to her sadness when her father had a heart attack (so grateful to have shared those tender times with her) and throughout the years of her younger brothers declining health and illnesses that ultimately took him recently. She wanted to share mostly none of it (which is fine, he did SA her when they were younger) but it kinda hurt when he did decline so fast after another sickness (same one he fought on and off) and she just left me in the unknown. I honored that after having a mini meltdown and apologized and said I was sorry and that I hope her and her Mom and her son mend well and take care of each other. I didn't speak with her again until it was her 40th birthday a few months after her brothers passing and that was the last of our talks. And it's probably just easier and better for us both. I don't think she knows I'm in the divorce process now but that's okay. She and I didn't speak after Covid turned up for about 6 months and she showed up (on my phone) when she found out I had bought my own home and had been excelling in career position excitedly about all I had accomplished while my husband (stbxh) and children's father was incarcerated and out of our lives for 5 years. Sometimes we have our own processing to do and our own traumas that are too triggering and we can't always honor ourselves and friendships. Yet, I'm a hopeless romantic for female-friendships and I am now trying to develop those at 44 years old post-divorce because my marriage ran every female friendship out of my life. I hope OP knows she can choose as she wishes and what Zawn shares is helpful, even for me.
This part hit me: At the same time, the feminist project demands that we begin centering friendship and decentering men. If we are going to take friendship seriously, if we are going to form lifelong partnerships with friends who love us as deeply as we hope our romantic partners will (but almost never do), then we must take walking away from a friendship very seriously.
Was waiting for this after the post about what to do about a younger family member in this situation. What do you do when said guy has already cut you out of communication with her through triangulating drama? She won't talk to me, he lied about anything to get her to believe him. We've been friends since 4th grade! She blames me for the trouble she has had with him, when it's really his own bs and turning her against me. Having lived through these types of relationships more than once, I see it for what it is and it's a painful place to be. Thanks as always for your articles.
I had 2 friends completely cut me off during my breakup from my abusive ex. I dont think either of them identified what I was going through as dv. Truly losing them was like a knife in my heart, so much harder than the end of the marriage to be honest. I felt like I everyone in my life was going to leave me and I was defective. I can see now that they were not good friends to me. One of them advised me to accept 50 50 because he was a good dad, and because she was a family therapist I trusted her and now I have to deal with the fallout of my child struggling with this every day.
I had trouble reading this, because even reading about it is apparently hard, too. Too many too many too many women are in abusive situations. 😭 I just also want to add to the pile of what a person can say to a friend in this kind of scenario: “Please go to a therapist who is trauma-informed.” “I will help you find a good therapist to help you deal with this situation.” “I will happily go with you to your therapy appointment(s) until you feel comfortable without having me there.” (Be prepared to sit in the waiting room while your friend is in the therapy session.)
Offer to get her practical help. Help her get her meds. Help her go to a library to find out about resources in the community that will help her GET OUT of this scenario. (My next SubStack talks about how wonderful libraries are for people in our communities!) A librarian can seriously help someone with their needs & wishes & wishes to gain knowledge on any subject. Take advantage of the free resource that your local library has.
Hi Zawn, this article as always, is life changing for the better, thank you for sharing your wisdom through your writing. I did have a friend in the recent past who was clearly in a longstanding abusive relationship with her husband and additionally her teenagers were also extremely physically and emotionally abusive towards her. I did find the awareness of her endless cycles of abuse upsetting. I found witnessing it in person upsetting. I found her reactions to it upsetting. You articulate so well how she recently withdrew her friendship from me after approximately 10 years of best friends as she was very displeased from a couple of texts I sent her, so literally, withdrew her friendship and literally said “you were dismissive of me and that equals plans getting cancelled “ and other comments of this nature. It was really odd. Maybe someone can see something in this to explain? I am upset, but also have my walls up. Your incite-full comment regarding friendships has made me reflect on this, now 6 weeks later. Thank you
This was a tough read. I lost a couple of friends while I was in my abusive relationship. One has been rebuilt, and one has little threads left. The latter is the one I struggle with the most.
It was always laid at my feet - that I was the one staying, that I was the one putting up with his behaviour, that I had some shitty behaviours so maybe I could learn to understand where he was coming from, that they felt they couldn't talk to me anymore while I was still with him. Apparently they can't even now that I'm not. Her husband was equally agreeing with what she said. I can't help but feel betrayed. That it was somehow my fault - because I took it too fast, because I jumped from one relationship into this one, because I was repeating other unhealthy toxic behaviours. It's been hard having any belief in myself since then. Despite reading and believing the things Zawn writes about men and how they treat women and how wrong and disgusting and abusive it is, for some reason I don't see how that also refers to me. So it's hard to trust not only males, but females too
This one was a hard read. I don't ever want friends to be abandoned or isolated, especially in a tumultuous time. And, I sometimes wonder if being there for a friend to vent for years can blow off just enough steam for them to stay in a bad relationship indefinitely. For me, I think a helpful question has been, If this friend never leaves this abusive person, am I willing to stick around forever? Am I okay supporting her no matter what? It also helps me check to see if I have an agenda or an trying to "fix" something in her world. And if that's the case, I take that to my codependents anonymous group because that's my shit.
I believe that the reason I was ultimately able to escape the abusive marriage I was in was because of friends who listened, did not make excuses for his behavior, and had my back through and through. My closest friends had boundaries (and trapped in an abusive relationship though I was, I wanted them to have boundaries), and those boundaries were loving. One of the most important boundaries they had was that they called out what they saw (they called his actions abuse - AND - they told me they were there for me while I was in the relationship and would be there when I was ready to get out.
They loved me and stayed with me and listened as I processed and tried to figure out - for years - how to get out (and they listened and believed me when I shared the dangers of leaving). They helped me find ways to find my power again. They helped me find my self-worth again. They helped me learn how to take care of myself even while being abused physically, emotionally, and financially, including having to do 100% of all parenting for my three kids who all have extra needs (one of my babes is disabled).
Leaving my ex was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done…and I am sure I would have gone back if not for the amazing people who supported, helped, and even let me have panic attacks while they sat with me on the phone.
I truly appreciate your thoughtful and insightful response to that question, Zawn.
Every time I read your articles I feel like you’re such a beautiful soul. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
My best friend of almost 25 years and I have always had a trauma based toxic-like friendship. Her and I both have had severe trauma and she has even experienced SA in ways that taught me to learn about it way back when. We both kinda just walked away from it all recently. No exchange of why's and I'm okay with that. Feel safest for us both at our ages and life positions. I imagine I did something/said something to hurt her. And I likely did. I wouldn't know. I've always tried to repair my wrongs (when assuming I have) because my life has been a mess and she has always been important to me. She's been there for me and I've tried to be there for her although she seems to have only ever shared bits of her life and expects me to known any depth of her journey. We've mostly had aing distance friendship due to me moving out of state. For 17 years I was in my abusive relationship/marriage - she centers men - over just about any human in her life. She's into kink and I'm not. I'm pro-abortion - she's not - I was granted access to her sadness when her father had a heart attack (so grateful to have shared those tender times with her) and throughout the years of her younger brothers declining health and illnesses that ultimately took him recently. She wanted to share mostly none of it (which is fine, he did SA her when they were younger) but it kinda hurt when he did decline so fast after another sickness (same one he fought on and off) and she just left me in the unknown. I honored that after having a mini meltdown and apologized and said I was sorry and that I hope her and her Mom and her son mend well and take care of each other. I didn't speak with her again until it was her 40th birthday a few months after her brothers passing and that was the last of our talks. And it's probably just easier and better for us both. I don't think she knows I'm in the divorce process now but that's okay. She and I didn't speak after Covid turned up for about 6 months and she showed up (on my phone) when she found out I had bought my own home and had been excelling in career position excitedly about all I had accomplished while my husband (stbxh) and children's father was incarcerated and out of our lives for 5 years. Sometimes we have our own processing to do and our own traumas that are too triggering and we can't always honor ourselves and friendships. Yet, I'm a hopeless romantic for female-friendships and I am now trying to develop those at 44 years old post-divorce because my marriage ran every female friendship out of my life. I hope OP knows she can choose as she wishes and what Zawn shares is helpful, even for me.
This part hit me: At the same time, the feminist project demands that we begin centering friendship and decentering men. If we are going to take friendship seriously, if we are going to form lifelong partnerships with friends who love us as deeply as we hope our romantic partners will (but almost never do), then we must take walking away from a friendship very seriously.
I’m so sorry for all you have been through."
Was waiting for this after the post about what to do about a younger family member in this situation. What do you do when said guy has already cut you out of communication with her through triangulating drama? She won't talk to me, he lied about anything to get her to believe him. We've been friends since 4th grade! She blames me for the trouble she has had with him, when it's really his own bs and turning her against me. Having lived through these types of relationships more than once, I see it for what it is and it's a painful place to be. Thanks as always for your articles.
I had 2 friends completely cut me off during my breakup from my abusive ex. I dont think either of them identified what I was going through as dv. Truly losing them was like a knife in my heart, so much harder than the end of the marriage to be honest. I felt like I everyone in my life was going to leave me and I was defective. I can see now that they were not good friends to me. One of them advised me to accept 50 50 because he was a good dad, and because she was a family therapist I trusted her and now I have to deal with the fallout of my child struggling with this every day.
Such a hard question/situation, and a beautifully nuanced response from you, Zawn.