How do I talk about birth control with my daughter? Feminist Advice Friday

A reader wants her daughter to fully understand all of her options.

A reader asks…

How do I talk about contraception with my 16 yo daughter? I really wish to prepare her for the safest possible experience.

My answer

I want to start by giving you permission not to have this talk. The fact that you’re asking the question, to me, suggests a bit of trepidation, and I want you to know that not every parenting responsibility has to be yours.

Readers might be surprised to hear this from a sex-positive feminist who advocates talking about sex with kids basically as soon as they talk. But I think we have to know our strengths and weaknesses, and outsource our struggles to our community.

As our culture has become sex positive, and as feminist discourse has grown to emphasize the importance of open dialogue with our kids, I think a lot of parents feel pressure to discuss something they’re really not qualified to discuss.

You do not have to be the person to give your child every piece of information they learn. Consider, for example, how a therapist can be a better fit to talk about anxiety or depression, and how many children are more responsive to teachers than to parents. This doesn’t mean parents have the right to ignore the topic. Instead, I want you to begin by assessing whether you can discuss this in a way that is not harmful to your child.

Some questions to ask:

• Does the idea of your child having sex upset you? Do you feel there are only certain circumstances in which your child should have sex?

• Do you feel there is a right and wrong way to use birth control?

• Do you want to gatekeep access to birth control in any way?

• Are you dismissive of emerging concerns about birth control safety, or of how doctors ignore birth control-related side effects?

• Do you feel you need a specific script to get the conversation right?

If so, then you might not be ready to have this conversation, and that is ok. Your job then becomes finding trusted people who can have the conversation.

One of the reasons we know it’s valuable for parents to talk to kids about sex and related topics is that silence instills shame. It’s also best for these topics to unfold in a natural conversation over many years, which means asking your best friend to discuss the issue once typically isn’t going to cut it.

So I think it’s important to work on any issues that make you a less than ideal person to talk to, and to be honest with your kid. A script like this can work: “The truth is I was raised in a family where we learned a lot of shame about sex, and I think our culture still teaches a lot of shame. That makes it really easy to pass that shame along. So I’ve asked a couple of people we both trust to be safe people to talk to you.”

Make sure those people are truly prepared to initiate and sustain conversations over the years.

If you are ready to talk to your kid, though, remember that a single awkward Talk is the exact thing you shouldn’t be doing. This is something that should be integrated into daily life. My seven-year-old, for example, knows that women can take medication to not become pregnant. Teaching her bits and pieces reduces the pressure on me to get it right the first time, and ensures there’s plenty of time to cover it all.

Sixteen is quite old to be just starting the birth control conversation. I advise that other readers start much younger, while their kids are still in single digits. It’s never too late, though, to start a conversation!

Start by making a list of the things you want to cover. This should include:

• The basic birth control options. Make sure you know about them all!

• The difference between birth control and protection from STIs.

• Talking to a partner about birth control (and why only sexist men want to opt out).

• The larger political implications of birth control, including the attempts by Republicans in the United States to limit access.

• How to manage birth control side effects.

• How to advocate for yourself at the doctor.

Then just dive in. You know your kid best. There’s no script here for covering everything. I’ve found talking about things in the car can be really great. You can start with something simple like, “You’re getting to an age where a lot of girls want to start taking birth control. Is that something you’d be interested in?” The goal here is to just get the conversation going.

Some other tips for getting this conversation right:

• Don’t force it. If she doesn’t want to talk, making her do so anyway will only damage the relationship and reduce the risk that she comes to you when she wants support.

• Listen more than you talk—about this and about everything. Kids trust parents who listen to them. Show you can be trusted with the small stuff and she’ll trust you with the big stuff.

• Don’t expect her to share your values. She might be totally freaked out by hormonal birth control, for example.

• Your role is as a supportive elder who can offer wisdom, feedback, and lived experience. You do not have to be an expert on birth control, and in most cases should rely on actual expertise—CDC website, for example—to help her learn the nitty gritty.

• Give her access to resources in many forms. Don’t limit her internet use. Buy her books. Ask other folks you trust to lend an ear. Even if your relationship is great, she may not want to learn everything from you.

Remember that ultimately, each conversation is a chance to either erode or build trust. Nothing is more important than using each discussion to deepen your relationship. And if the birth control conversation can only fracture your relationship, it’s time to bring in reinforcements.

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