I left for this very reason... not so much household labor inequality but because of parenting load inequality. There was no physical abuse, no infidelity, no substance abuse, or any of the typical reasons people divorce. He allowed me to have an entire nervous breakdown and develop blocked ureters because he refused to carry pretty much any parenting weight at all with 2 young children less than 2 years apart, one of which is neurodivergent. The blocked ureters happened because I was subconsciously withholding going to the bathroom because I could never do so in peace because my kids were always following me to the bathroom or banging on the door screaming when I would lock them out for 30 seconds of peace, and he just would not come home to help provide relief. Because going to the bathroom became such an unpleasant and stressful experience for me, I was withholding even urinating as long as possible without realizing it. The nervous breakdown happened because sleep deprivation and sheer exhaustion hit me mentally and physically after doing IT ALL with both kids for 3 straight years. We're now divorced and *surprise* I have majority custody. It's supposed to be 80/20 but I've calculated the time he's forfeited regularly and it's 93/7. I still do it all pretty much but I no longer harbor resentment towards a spouse who is supposed to be an equal partner. Oh and the kicker is he just purchased a new half million dollar home to try to "win me back."
How long to give him? 1 discussion. After that, the question is, how long do I go on quiet quitting? I say, each woman knows what will be safest (first of all) and best for her and her kids (never forget that what is best for you IS what’s best for your kids!). I’d add, long enough to make sure you have a good job or have gone to school for a good credential that will get you a good job. And long enough to have sneakily saved money in your own account in a completely different bank than your household accounts. And perhaps to have taken financial snapshots of joint accounts all along the way for future legal action. Maybe you have a safe deposit box with your personal valuables in it (and someone else, a friend, listed as the “second” on the account and in writing that someone else is the beneficiary and he is not to have access. Maybe you have secretly established some credit for yourself by getting a credit card in you own name, small purchases paid off every month, so your credit rating is good.
All that is to say: financial freedom equals freedom. So you need to be building some of that. Parents can help. My dad actually opened a joint account with him and me. Made it clear to his bank why he was doing it and that my ex was to have NO access. He only put in 100 but I built the rest and that made it possible for me to have funds for my shark lawyer. Which made it possible for my future finances to be ok.
Build carefully while you quiet quit. Ideally get a job and your own accounts and save up a nice amount. And don’t forget to insist on him paying his share of household bills and then have your lawyer insure he will be paying child support once you’re free. Good luck!
I wish you could make people pay child support. Sadly they can just block their ears and ignore every judgement, as is happening to me right now. As long as I have my kids I don’t care, I will rebuild.
“Painful, but empowering.” That’s such a good summation of how your work always hits home for me. Thank you, as always, for putting words to these feelings.
I got tired of waiting. And waiting and waiting and waiting. To have my turn to speak, to have my feelings and needs heard, to have behaviour change and accountability and repair and resolution. Ex was so effective at silencing my voice that to the day he doesn’t actually know why I left because I never spelled out to him his racist, sexist abusive behaviour (including threats of violence and murder). A while back I wrote a letter and asked if I could read it to him - not asking for empathy, or apology or repair or compensation for all the time and mental health lost and career opportunities I lost, just to read it. He initially responded by saying he could be open to it but wanted to discuss “safety” with me first. I took this to mean “don’t say anything that makes me feel bad”. Nonetheless I enquired what he meant by safety and if he could name some specific strategies to meet that need, and there was silence, radio silence. For 9 days. I was like “fuck this, I’m not waiting around anymore and he’s disrespectful of my time,” and emailed back to say I’d decided against the whole idea on account of how long it seemed to be taking him to respond.
I know now that if I’m being kept waiting by a guy, it’s time to run. It’s a shitty feeling to be on the back foot all the time, which is what waiting makes me feel. So how long should you give your husband to change? Don’t give him anytime. As Zawn says, “If your husband wanted equality, you would already have it.” Write this line at the top of your journal and reread it every day
I remember the exact moment when I asked my husband how long I was supposed to wait for him to change. We were arguing in the grocery store, because I needed to buy something that was not on the list, and it was a terrible infraction, or something.
Except he was the one who hadn't put the thing on the list.
So, not only was I supposed to go without the thing, I was also supposed to give him grace, because he was trying, and forgive his mistake, because it was just a mistake, and basically half a dozen of the arguments that men use here to get away with their lack of effort.
“Refuse to see reality for what it is” is a great way to explain that. The implications of that self-gaslighting are significantly emotionally dangerous. Essentially destroying your own identity.
If I’d contributed what he used to contribute we wouldn’t even have relationship beyond the first few weeks. Hard hitting. This is why we ought to set a very high standard from a partner from the beginning and leave at the first sign of disrespect, unafraid to say ‘Next!’.
You are reading my mind.
I left for this very reason... not so much household labor inequality but because of parenting load inequality. There was no physical abuse, no infidelity, no substance abuse, or any of the typical reasons people divorce. He allowed me to have an entire nervous breakdown and develop blocked ureters because he refused to carry pretty much any parenting weight at all with 2 young children less than 2 years apart, one of which is neurodivergent. The blocked ureters happened because I was subconsciously withholding going to the bathroom because I could never do so in peace because my kids were always following me to the bathroom or banging on the door screaming when I would lock them out for 30 seconds of peace, and he just would not come home to help provide relief. Because going to the bathroom became such an unpleasant and stressful experience for me, I was withholding even urinating as long as possible without realizing it. The nervous breakdown happened because sleep deprivation and sheer exhaustion hit me mentally and physically after doing IT ALL with both kids for 3 straight years. We're now divorced and *surprise* I have majority custody. It's supposed to be 80/20 but I've calculated the time he's forfeited regularly and it's 93/7. I still do it all pretty much but I no longer harbor resentment towards a spouse who is supposed to be an equal partner. Oh and the kicker is he just purchased a new half million dollar home to try to "win me back."
Please don’t let him „win you back“. You’re strong and amazing and you‘re already healing!
How long to give him? 1 discussion. After that, the question is, how long do I go on quiet quitting? I say, each woman knows what will be safest (first of all) and best for her and her kids (never forget that what is best for you IS what’s best for your kids!). I’d add, long enough to make sure you have a good job or have gone to school for a good credential that will get you a good job. And long enough to have sneakily saved money in your own account in a completely different bank than your household accounts. And perhaps to have taken financial snapshots of joint accounts all along the way for future legal action. Maybe you have a safe deposit box with your personal valuables in it (and someone else, a friend, listed as the “second” on the account and in writing that someone else is the beneficiary and he is not to have access. Maybe you have secretly established some credit for yourself by getting a credit card in you own name, small purchases paid off every month, so your credit rating is good.
All that is to say: financial freedom equals freedom. So you need to be building some of that. Parents can help. My dad actually opened a joint account with him and me. Made it clear to his bank why he was doing it and that my ex was to have NO access. He only put in 100 but I built the rest and that made it possible for me to have funds for my shark lawyer. Which made it possible for my future finances to be ok.
Build carefully while you quiet quit. Ideally get a job and your own accounts and save up a nice amount. And don’t forget to insist on him paying his share of household bills and then have your lawyer insure he will be paying child support once you’re free. Good luck!
I wish you could make people pay child support. Sadly they can just block their ears and ignore every judgement, as is happening to me right now. As long as I have my kids I don’t care, I will rebuild.
“Painful, but empowering.” That’s such a good summation of how your work always hits home for me. Thank you, as always, for putting words to these feelings.
If you are pondering how many crumbs should satisfy you, the marriage is not worth it.
I got tired of waiting. And waiting and waiting and waiting. To have my turn to speak, to have my feelings and needs heard, to have behaviour change and accountability and repair and resolution. Ex was so effective at silencing my voice that to the day he doesn’t actually know why I left because I never spelled out to him his racist, sexist abusive behaviour (including threats of violence and murder). A while back I wrote a letter and asked if I could read it to him - not asking for empathy, or apology or repair or compensation for all the time and mental health lost and career opportunities I lost, just to read it. He initially responded by saying he could be open to it but wanted to discuss “safety” with me first. I took this to mean “don’t say anything that makes me feel bad”. Nonetheless I enquired what he meant by safety and if he could name some specific strategies to meet that need, and there was silence, radio silence. For 9 days. I was like “fuck this, I’m not waiting around anymore and he’s disrespectful of my time,” and emailed back to say I’d decided against the whole idea on account of how long it seemed to be taking him to respond.
I know now that if I’m being kept waiting by a guy, it’s time to run. It’s a shitty feeling to be on the back foot all the time, which is what waiting makes me feel. So how long should you give your husband to change? Don’t give him anytime. As Zawn says, “If your husband wanted equality, you would already have it.” Write this line at the top of your journal and reread it every day
This is how abusive men help the bumbling, clueless, lazy, useless but “nice” men. Nothing nice about weaponising nice to avoid responsibility
I remember the exact moment when I asked my husband how long I was supposed to wait for him to change. We were arguing in the grocery store, because I needed to buy something that was not on the list, and it was a terrible infraction, or something.
Except he was the one who hadn't put the thing on the list.
So, not only was I supposed to go without the thing, I was also supposed to give him grace, because he was trying, and forgive his mistake, because it was just a mistake, and basically half a dozen of the arguments that men use here to get away with their lack of effort.
In that moment, he had an epiphany.
Most men don't.
“Refuse to see reality for what it is” is a great way to explain that. The implications of that self-gaslighting are significantly emotionally dangerous. Essentially destroying your own identity.
If I’d contributed what he used to contribute we wouldn’t even have relationship beyond the first few weeks. Hard hitting. This is why we ought to set a very high standard from a partner from the beginning and leave at the first sign of disrespect, unafraid to say ‘Next!’.