5 Comments

This needs to be a brochure that’s handed out at hospitals and birthing centers.

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I had to hire a doula ... not for me ... because I knew my partner wouldn't have my back, be an advocate, speak up to nurses and docs or let me have a say and there was no way he'd stay awake or be on hand during the birth and after, I can't believe in hindsight how much covering for his abusive treatment of me I use to do. Further after it ended with an emergency C section when I was finally released home he decided because he was taking a week and no more off work we had to do day trips and be out constantly (I had no family in the state and no other support system). Still in recovery and with my first baby. If I ever got him to hold the baby it was met with complaints and then he'd just fall asleep on the couch with baby on him to make sure I could never actually take a nap anyway as I had to even watch him for when he fell asleep. None of the happy snaps show what was going on behind the scenes cos had to keep up his perfect image for him I was that trauma bonded.

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I really appreciated reading this. I think this information is not provided often enough, and clearly enough, to partners supporting birthing people. I would also love to see a similar guide on how partners can support people who are moving through miscarriage, TFMR or stillbirth. Many of these bullet points would still apply AND I think there are some unique aspects of those situations that require different kinds of consideration and care. Especially since Dobbs. (I've thought about writing a guide myself as a perinatal loss support group facilitator, but I have to confess I'd also love to see this topic get the Liberating Motherhood treatment because I think it would be so good.)

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I have written, rewritten, and deleted a guide on this several times, because I've experienced the horror of both. The widespread lack of concern for women who have buried babies just fucking floors me, and I've been reluctant to post because hearing a stream of "you burying your baby is exactly like my 8-week miscarriage!" just makes me ill. But hearing that this might be helpful may inspire me to actually post something.

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I was moved to see you write about your own loss experience in another post and I really, really hear what you are saying about that. In my groups we have to do a lot of norming to ensure people don't compare losses or do other less-than-thoughtful things (like complain about their living children to people who don't have any), because they would otherwise be intolerable to experience and impossible to moderate. I'd be happy to share more about that, or support this effort in any other way that would feel useful to you.

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