His apology is part of the abuse: What to expect when you hold your abuser accountable

The predictable psychology of male abusers

Abuse is about controlling the victim so that she will give the abuser more of what he wants. It’s a tool, not an accident. And it’s highly effective, because many victims do not realize they’re being abuse until they are extremely deep into the cycle.

For this reason, abusers are accustomed to their victims tolerating a certain level of abuse. They’ve normalized it, accepted it as what they deserve, and even romanticized the abuser as loving, kind, and good. Abusers depend on this system, and expect that their victims will continue to stay with and love them. This is why I’ve written that abusive relationships often function like a cult.

When you hold your abuser accountable by leaving, calling the police, telling a third party, or seeking a restraining order, you’ve disrupted the comfort of the system. This is ultimately a good thing because it stops rewarding abuse, starts documenting it, and can ultimately help you escape. But it will also trigger a range of behaviors from your abuser ranging from subtle to severely violent. This is why leaving is never a simple matter, and why victims so often get sucked back in.

Knowing what to expect can help you better prepare for it, reducing its manipulative impact.

I previously wrote a piece on what to expect when you leave a relationship with a man. Your abuser may deploy many of the behaviors in that piece, too. This piece, though, specifically focuses on men with a history of abuse.

As with many pieces that explain male manipulative tactics, this post is for paid subscribers only to reduce men’s access to this information. If you cannot afford to pay for a subscription, I offer instructions for applying for a scholarship here. Scholarships are solely for people who cannot afford membership, not for people who prefer not to pay.