I fully agree that the one liners for boundary setting are often not helpful and feel stilted. When working with people who need support setting healthy boundaries, I often start with their values. What is it that they value and cherish? Autonomy? Privacy? Honesty? Once you are clear on your values, it becomes easier to set and enforce boundaries. I value my self respect and my right to time for myself, so I am learning to say no when someone asks me for something that infringes on that time. I sometime like to work backwards too. So, is someone's behavior is really irritating me then I will ask myself, what value of mine are they trampling right now? From there I can set a boundary. Boundaries are not rules. Rules control other people's behavior. Boundaries are what you will and won't tolerate from other people, and what you will do if they continue to run roughshod over them.I also suggest that people say "I will get back to you" instead of "no" if it initially causes too much anxiety to say no. Then you can say "no" after thinking about it. Love your definition of people pleasing. Especially the part about how it reinforces dysfunctional power structures.
Thank you! This is such helpful framing to think in terms of values. Most of the pop psych discourse around boundaries portrays it as a constant enforcing of one's rules, which just sounds exhausting and anxiety-provoking, especially to someone like me who hates rules anyway.
I know, I know. I have an article on Boundaries vs rules because it is a pet peeve of mine. You can’t control other people’s behavior. You can just let people now how you do relationships and what works and doesn’t work for you.
I fully agree that the one liners for boundary setting are often not helpful and feel stilted. When working with people who need support setting healthy boundaries, I often start with their values. What is it that they value and cherish? Autonomy? Privacy? Honesty? Once you are clear on your values, it becomes easier to set and enforce boundaries. I value my self respect and my right to time for myself, so I am learning to say no when someone asks me for something that infringes on that time. I sometime like to work backwards too. So, is someone's behavior is really irritating me then I will ask myself, what value of mine are they trampling right now? From there I can set a boundary. Boundaries are not rules. Rules control other people's behavior. Boundaries are what you will and won't tolerate from other people, and what you will do if they continue to run roughshod over them.I also suggest that people say "I will get back to you" instead of "no" if it initially causes too much anxiety to say no. Then you can say "no" after thinking about it. Love your definition of people pleasing. Especially the part about how it reinforces dysfunctional power structures.
Thank you! This is such helpful framing to think in terms of values. Most of the pop psych discourse around boundaries portrays it as a constant enforcing of one's rules, which just sounds exhausting and anxiety-provoking, especially to someone like me who hates rules anyway.
I know, I know. I have an article on Boundaries vs rules because it is a pet peeve of mine. You can’t control other people’s behavior. You can just let people now how you do relationships and what works and doesn’t work for you.