When you leave (and are out living separately) and they threaten suicide call 911. They police will make a mental health arrest. They will bring them to a doctor for psych evaluation and further help. Do not make it YOUR problem. This is further documentation you may need as well.
If they stalk you physically or calling or texting all hours of the day and night immediately get in touch with a victims advocate in your area and file a restraining order. It helped my mental health enormously and was a very straight forward process.
Do not use domestic violence counselors from the government. In mine and others experiences they are fear mongerers. Telling you to lock all your doors and windows and be on guard. Find a therapist that you click with not that increases your fear.
Oh and most importantly. You cannot do it alone. Find help. Find community. Tell everyone that's safe what's going on and ask for help. Also, USE A VICTIMS ADVOCATE!! They are a life saver.
“Sometimes, very late in the cycle, men stop apologizing and things don’t return to normal after an act of abuse. This is really dangerous, even if there’s not a lot of physical violence. It shows that he believes he has complete control, and doesn’t need to apologize to keep you. “
My STBX has long stopped apologizing. He didn’t have much apologies to begin with. It made me feel like his behavior wasn’t that big of deal or else he would be apologizing a ton (I was familiar with love bombing early on). Later on, I come to read about highly educated and high income earning men often don’t love bomb because you should feel grateful for their mere presence in your life (and grateful for their intellect and income)
I’ve also don’t the what you described...”burying the lede” in posts on Reddit. I didn’t realize the impact that has. I very much was met with doubt rather than support. But it’s so hard to admit and to say it. If I say concisely and clearly, then it’s all too true
I’m currently reading Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages by Susan Weitzman that was recommended to me and it’s spot on. Thank you for pointing out the financial piece....Ie don’t fear being held ip in court because many men don’t have the finances to abuse their STBX through the courts
This is excellent!!! All really good advice. As an advocate one thing I tell women is that the only evidence I need that he’s abusing you is what I see in you -- your reactions to things, your jumbled and confused mind, your mental and physical health. Called to Peace is an excellent resource for anyone looking for an advocate. Is is a Christian faith based group, just FYI. https://www.calledtopeace.org/?mibextid=Zxz2cZ
Also, I can’t reiterate enough, the danger of couples counseling. I am so very fortunate, that when we sat down as a couple with the therapist, it took about 10 minutes before the therapist separated us. We were talking about a situation where my ex had upset me. The therapist asked him if he understood why I was upset. And my ex said some thing like I understand she was upset, but she shouldn’t have been because my actions were not directed at her. The therapist asked him again, but she was upset, can we talk about that. And my ex said, but I wasn’t purposely making her upset. At that point the therapist said, I think you guys need individual counseling. I continued, my ex did not. Three years, and an epic custody court battle later, we were finally divorced.
You may be able to leave but you cannot stop the abuse. Society has no mechisims in place to end the abuse, dv services can help you exist but there is nothing to stop post sepersrion abuse. We as a society need to do better
What about the friends who get almost abusive in telling me I’m stupid for staying? That has added to my stress a lot. I realize they are doing their best to direct me in the direction that they feel is best, but they don’t understand that I am not ready yet. I feel that those are not friends that I can turn to for support when I am ready and need it.
When you leave (and are out living separately) and they threaten suicide call 911. They police will make a mental health arrest. They will bring them to a doctor for psych evaluation and further help. Do not make it YOUR problem. This is further documentation you may need as well.
If they stalk you physically or calling or texting all hours of the day and night immediately get in touch with a victims advocate in your area and file a restraining order. It helped my mental health enormously and was a very straight forward process.
Do not use domestic violence counselors from the government. In mine and others experiences they are fear mongerers. Telling you to lock all your doors and windows and be on guard. Find a therapist that you click with not that increases your fear.
Oh and most importantly. You cannot do it alone. Find help. Find community. Tell everyone that's safe what's going on and ask for help. Also, USE A VICTIMS ADVOCATE!! They are a life saver.
Thank you zawn x
“Sometimes, very late in the cycle, men stop apologizing and things don’t return to normal after an act of abuse. This is really dangerous, even if there’s not a lot of physical violence. It shows that he believes he has complete control, and doesn’t need to apologize to keep you. “
My STBX has long stopped apologizing. He didn’t have much apologies to begin with. It made me feel like his behavior wasn’t that big of deal or else he would be apologizing a ton (I was familiar with love bombing early on). Later on, I come to read about highly educated and high income earning men often don’t love bomb because you should feel grateful for their mere presence in your life (and grateful for their intellect and income)
I’ve also don’t the what you described...”burying the lede” in posts on Reddit. I didn’t realize the impact that has. I very much was met with doubt rather than support. But it’s so hard to admit and to say it. If I say concisely and clearly, then it’s all too true
I’m currently reading Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages by Susan Weitzman that was recommended to me and it’s spot on. Thank you for pointing out the financial piece....Ie don’t fear being held ip in court because many men don’t have the finances to abuse their STBX through the courts
This is excellent!!! All really good advice. As an advocate one thing I tell women is that the only evidence I need that he’s abusing you is what I see in you -- your reactions to things, your jumbled and confused mind, your mental and physical health. Called to Peace is an excellent resource for anyone looking for an advocate. Is is a Christian faith based group, just FYI. https://www.calledtopeace.org/?mibextid=Zxz2cZ
Also, I can’t reiterate enough, the danger of couples counseling. I am so very fortunate, that when we sat down as a couple with the therapist, it took about 10 minutes before the therapist separated us. We were talking about a situation where my ex had upset me. The therapist asked him if he understood why I was upset. And my ex said some thing like I understand she was upset, but she shouldn’t have been because my actions were not directed at her. The therapist asked him again, but she was upset, can we talk about that. And my ex said, but I wasn’t purposely making her upset. At that point the therapist said, I think you guys need individual counseling. I continued, my ex did not. Three years, and an epic custody court battle later, we were finally divorced.
You may be able to leave but you cannot stop the abuse. Society has no mechisims in place to end the abuse, dv services can help you exist but there is nothing to stop post sepersrion abuse. We as a society need to do better
What about the friends who get almost abusive in telling me I’m stupid for staying? That has added to my stress a lot. I realize they are doing their best to direct me in the direction that they feel is best, but they don’t understand that I am not ready yet. I feel that those are not friends that I can turn to for support when I am ready and need it.