In Defense of Lying

Lying as a feminist, boundary-setting act, and a reader wonders how to divide chores when she's a stay-at-home mom

In this newsletter:

• In Defense of Lying

• Feminist Advice Friday: How Can We Divide Chores if I’m a Stay at Home Mom?

When I was in college, the most radical of my friends all suddenly were into “radical honesty.” The idea was that being our true selves would allow us to ask for what we need, meet other people where they are, reduce perfectionism, and make relationships better and more egalitarian.

I always thought it was strange, with a profound capacity to hurt people. We all think cruel things from time to time, and if we are honest in the moment, we can destroy our most cherished relationships with words that might not even be true 5 minutes later.

You don’t need to tell your spouse every negative thought you think about them, or confess to your child every time you are frustrated with them, or tell you boss every time you consider quitting. You don’t need to tell your friend her new haircut sucks, or that actually, she is annoying when she goes through a break-up. These fleeting bits of honesty don’t matter, don’t deepen relationships, and exact a huge interpersonal toll.

The culture has moved away from radical honesty, but the notion that lying is Very Bad persists. Today on Instagram, I saw a therapist advising people to tell their friends, “I’m not interested in that,” or “I don’t want to spend time with you right now” as an alternative to “Sorry, I’m not available on that day!”

In advice columns, I routinely see writers advise question-askers not to lie, and offer alternatives to lying—all of them inferior, all of them very likely to hurt people.

How did it come to this?

The reason we’re not supposed to lie is that lies can harm others. But when a brief, fleeting, unimportant truth is more harmful, or when it allows people to harm you, there is no value in honesty. Honesty is not the highest moral good. And honesty can become an excuse for hurting others—or for martyring oneself.

I’m becoming a big believer in lying, especially as a weapon against sexist boundary intrusions.

That dude at Starbucks asks you why you’re getting coffee even though you’re pregnant? You don’t owe him an explanation. You don’t owe him the argument he’s obviously seeking. You don’t owe him shit. Tell him you’re not pregnant, that it’s a tumor, that you have a rare disease only cancer can treat. Tell him to shut the fuck up. Make him think twice before intruding on the next woman with his bullshit. Make him uncomfortable.

Your mother in law wants to mom-shame you? Stop telling her everything you’re doing. Defending your parenting choices is an invitation to criticize them. Lie, if it protects your privacy and your sanity. You don’t owe people the truth when they use it to abuse you.

Don’t want to spend time with a friend, but don’t want to hurt their feelings? These weird scripts people are giving don’t work in the real world. They hurt feelings. Tell them you can’t. You don’t owe everyone an accounting of every moment of your life. A white lie can prevent a generous invitation from becoming a referendum on your friendship or an attack on your friend’s character.

The great thing about a lie is that it can deflect the discomfort people foist onto you back onto them.

“Why aren’t you having kids?” Actually, I’ve had eight miscarriages.

“You need to lose weight because I’m so worried about your health!” Actually, I work out daily and my doctor says I’m healthy. Are you sure you’re worried about my health?

“You’d be so much prettier if you smiled!” My dog just died.

Honesty-above-all culture demands that people bear the full emotional impact of every single interaction, whether they want to, whether they chose the interaction, no matter how they feel.

As my dad always says when offering a generous and kind-hearted white lie: “A lie in time saves nine.”

You don’t owe the truth to people who act as if they owe you nothing.

And when you care about someone, the truth has no value and no deep import for the relationship, but it might disrupt a relationship, guess what.

You owe them a lie.

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Feminist Advice Friday: How can we divide chores if I’m a stay-at-home mom?

I’m taking the week off this week, and also celebrating the one-year anniversary of #feministadvicefriday. I hope you’ll enjoy this column from last year. Also, a reminder that Feminist Advice Friday is available as a standalone newsletter if you prefer to get just that. It’s also always free. Find it here.

A reader asks…

I've been a stay at home mom since we had our three kids. My husband works an office job that is relatively demanding, but with regular hours. He works between 40 and 50 hours a week. We are constantly fighting about housework and childcare because he says, as a stay-at-home mom, it's my job to do these things. I feel guilty to not be bringing in any income, and feel like I have little recourse when he points to my stay-at-home status. So what can I do? What's a fair balance of chores when I'm a stay-at-home parent?

My answer:

Ah, the weaponizing of a decision you jointly made that benefits the entire family. Something men who don't respect their partners love to do. I'm so sorry that you're in this position, and so sorry your husband is making you feel trapped.

The thing here is that you *both* have jobs. Your job is taking care of the children and home when he is not around. His is his paid work. And you are *both* entitled to a break from your work. The unstated assumption he's making is that your job isn't really work, that it's some sort of favor he's doing for you.

You can test how strongly he feels about that assumption by suggesting you return to work--or better still, suggesting that he stay home with the kids while you go back to work. He knows your job is work. He knows it's hard. That's why he doesn't want to do it.

If he works 50 hours a week and contributes no additional labor at home, then you are working three times as many hours as him, with no time off, no break, no support. This is abuse, plain and simple. Moreover, the research shows that having a spouse stay at home is a huge financial benefit to the working parent. You're freeing up his time and his mind to focus on work, so he can be more ambitious and make more money.

You've also completely eliminated the need to pay for childcare. For three children, the average nationwide cost for childcare is about $20,000 a year--much higher if you live in an expensive area or choose high-quality care. You are doing your entire family a favor, and your asshole husband is...making you feel like the bad guy? Seriously, this dude needs a reality check.

I think you need to start getting together a contingency plan for if you have to leave, because someone who shows so little respect for you is likely abusive in other areas, too. Start documenting his non-involvement. Meet with a divorce lawyer. Get a strong understanding of your rights.

But if he's willing to fix it, the fix is relatively simple. There are two rules you need to follow:

• You both get downtime. If one of you gets more downtime than the other--true downtime, not time playing with the kids or grocery shopping, neither of which are actual breaks--then there's a problem. Likewise, if one of you routinely works (that includes household labor) while the other relaxes, then things are unfair.

• When he is home (or when he should be home, if he's the sort to use a 37 hour golf game to avoid family life), you split household labor 50/50.
  

He knows what he's doing. He knows you're offering him a huge benefit. Don't be fooled.