This letter hit hard… my husband (an equal partner) and I are currently in the trenches with our infant - and we only have one! Life is an exhausting hamster wheel of work, childcare and chores. We also never get any alone time (baby is a night owl and despite our best efforts won’t go to sleep till late!), evenings and weekends are spent catching up on chores and trading off childcare.
What’s worked for me to stay somewhat healthy is doing short workout videos at home. The baby either watches me, or entertains herself in the same room.
Meal prepping can help if you have storage space. Even if it’s just making a few pots of overnight oats for breakfasts.
We’ve also let our standards slip in terms of keeping the house clean and tidy. It’s not exactly gross but it’s also not getting cleaned on a weekly basis anymore!
Ugh—that so many of us experience this speaks to the politics of parenting, work, and childcare in this country. I appreciate Zawn’s advice. A couple things stuck out to me as well
—Exercise is not a hobby, as the writer seemed to phrase it. (Already out one evening a week and can’t ask for more time.) It’s essential for physical and mental health. I would consider any investment in home exercise and/or home equipment, childcare to support exercise, or getting kids involved (bikes, scooters, jogging stroller, etc.) a necessity. Both parents can benefit from this.
—“I quit going to church (it wasn’t a space kids could be).” This is not true of many churches and community spaces. I would look for a new church that welcomes children. I’m not religious and don’t attend often anymore, but any church I’ve been to lately has activities for kids, notes in the bulletin that kids and their noise are welcome, and have a nursery area for parents to drop off or attend with their young kids.
I came to say the same thing about church! If your church doesn't support children and young parents, I have a hard time understanding how they support community at all. I hope you can find a church that has a childcare option for during service or otherwise welcomes the littles in the flock.
I echo both your thoughts - couldn't walks be a whole-family thing? And how important it is. And amen to the church comment. I belong to a Unitarian Universalist congregation that offers "Kids Connection" that starts partway through the service, and it often gives a chance for older kids and younger kids to be together. I can't quite imagine why or how a church could possibly not value and welcome children, and value and support the families with children in its congregation. I have heard of such though, even among UU churches...
Letter-writer, you are working so hard! I don't have a lot to offer as a non-parent, BUT I want to share that my sister gets in regular workouts while her kids play. She works out in the basement with body weight exercises, dumbbells, and bands, following online videos by women. The kids have a play area right there so she's got her eyes on them the whole time. It might not sound like much, but when I visit and workout with her, the workouts kick my ass too!
I don’t have any advice-I struggle with the same issues, all of which are compounded by the fact that my husband’s job was very impacted by the stupid DOGE cuts and he now has inherited the workloads of multiple teams.
I am so deeply connecting to this. I see it all around us, and the reality is that folks who have got a system in place have nothing left to really support anyone outside of that. The ones who are truly falling apart are certainly being isolated and in crisis. When the stress builds over time, you will start to collapse. If you wait for this to happen, like I did, you have no choice left when you are physically disabled and have to make changes to survive.
I DONT give in to the pressures of society or schools or the people around me that are silently judging. If they have small children NOW in this economy, they get it. Sadly, even childcare providers with grown children will judge. Some parents are still in a functional zone and will judge. Honestly, my priority is keeping my children and myself happy, healthy and alive. I don’t need to fit into a box to accommodate other people’s expectations.
When your mind and body are stretched too far, your reality becomes saving yourself FOR your kids and partner. They’re much better off with a little bit less of you for a period of time than none of you for a period of time, if not forever.
Once I started weighing these things out, I really had to start making actual changes. These changes look like : letting everyone know I am not doing well, advocating for myself. Asking for help and rest. I stop myself when I start feeling anxiety or rushed to get finished with my work/free time; letting others have more time with the kids without worrying or micromanaging. I do as much as I can but I’m moving slower. I don’t maintain my home perfectly, I am consistent with daily tasks at a manageable pace and rest in between. Whatever doesn’t get done will wait. Sit in the car, stare at the wall, cry to your friend. Call in sick, don’t plan trips. Go to the local beaches and enjoy the places close to home. Usually you don’t have to go too far to enjoy an outing. Keep it easy, simple. Pull up a YouTube video of a guided meditation daily. Ten minutes a day can make such a difference. Tapping (EFT) and affirmations help. Pray, be specific about what you want and need. Addressing your needs becomes a vital part of your children’s wellness. I know it’s tough, but sometimes you have to loosen your grip on some things and tighten on others.
It is scary. Becoming ok again might require you to do some things that you’re not used to doing. But in my case, the pay off is that I’m still here for everyone at the end of the day. They need us. Our bodies are still healing, we carry a lot of weight that goes unnoticed. Don’t underestimate the care that you deserve. 💕
I’d love to hear if anyone found this author’s idea around building community to try distribute the load *across* families useful?? Sounds like a lot of logistics but also heart warming and frees up *some* time, but still a lot of work! Some of her other articles are interesting too, but I’m not quite sure if the author would agree about general household labour inequality and it’s gendered nature…If you’re distributing the load with other families but it’s still mostly mum’s picking up the slack then it might not be that helpful, though the author suggests everyone is involved.
Also sounds like maybe this is easier when kids are a little older, maybe toddler age might not work for this?
Please, please Reader. Complete Zawn's household labor evaluation tool. This gave me pause:
"Once our toddler was born, I quit going to church (it wasn’t a space kids could be), quit going to my cycling class, quit the choir I was in, quit going on walks, quit lifting weights. I feel unable to take care of myself and like I’ve gotten so unwell."
I know you expressed guilt at wanting to add one more hobby, but remember, you gave up 5 for your children. It's not like you're asking for a 6th one to add. You're asking to get one of them back.
When my kids were little my husband was a stay at home dad who did not exercise or socialize on his own. His only hobby was shopping for vinyl records or going to thrift stores (two things i didn't enjoy, especially with him). I always felt guilty about taking time for myself to exercise or socialize so I did both rarely. He never told me specifically that that I shouldn't do these things but would be very grumpy if I socialized without him (or even if I took too long running errands). When I finally gor back to exercising, I went to a class at 5.30 am so as not to inconvenience anyone (except myself and my own quality of sleep). In retrospect, I wish I had felt less guilty about taking time for myself and had talked more directly with him about what I needed, especialbecause it was so different from what he wanted for himself. I was endlessly encouraging him to socialize and get out of the house, but he never did the same for me. In the contrary, I let his moods impact taking time for myself. I wish I had realized much earlier how much my own guilt led to me not confronting this situation.
So it ended up that either you were getting far less of what you wanted/needed than he did, or else you were suffering as a result of his not sufficiently taking care of his own needs (when you were giving him ample opportunity/facilitation to do so) :(
Life feels like such a hamster wheel of work and kids. I used to love exercising and now am lucky to squeeze in a short walk. I’m 46 and kept thinking ‘surely it will get better’ - but then I saw a notice for a local research group wanting women in their 50s who struggle to find time to exercise for a study, and thought, nope, doesn’t look that way.
That said, on (the rare) weeks when work isn’t crazy, fitting in a walk isn’t hard. But I still don’t have the time or energy for anything further.
I don’t have much advice, other than what has already been provided - they are all fantastic ideas - for this stage of your life. But down the track there is the possibility of things easing. My kids are tween/ early teens and the investment in teaching them how to do chores is now paying off by saving me time. We also ensure we only have one after school activity a week each kid (bonus if they do the same activity at the same time/place) so I’m not driving all over the place every day.
Feel this one in my bones. My husband and I both work full time and I could have easily written this (though we only have two kids, one of whom is a toddler). It feels untenable though I'm hoping it gets easier as toddler gets older and more independent. Here is what has been helping us:
I get workouts in during my work day on the days I don't commute. 20 minute youtube videos or runs. Is it as much as I'd like to be doing? No, I used to lift heavy and run far. But it's something, for now. My employer doesn't know (I don't know that they'd care but I don't advertise it).
We have easy meals that feature every week so there's less mental load/choices around dinner (taco night, pasta night, chicken night). We cook something large on Sundays so there's leftovers for lunches or potentially a second dinner (chili, soup, casseroles, pasta bakes).
Storage options- this one sounds weird but we have a small house and buying good storage options has helped so much with clutter (ottomon with storage, tall cabinets to maximize usable space).
Hiring a cleaner - we thought we couldn't afford this but we found someone local who often just does partial cleans (like just bathrooms, or just the kitchen) which was more affordable than someone doing the whole house. She does our bathrooms and kitchen biweekly.
No kids activities yet. My eldest just turned five and she might do dance this year. I felt guilty about it for a minute and then decided I mattered more than my eldest doing tot soccer or not (on the flip side, some families find activities helpful to get out of the house/burn energy/socialize so I just want to recognize that).
I have a great partner in my husband (although he's disabled) and my children are grown and it's still a lot! Of course nothing like when they were little and we were barely surviving. But now they're young adults and need support in other ways. When ours were little, we got date nights as often as we could afford to and I think it saved our marriage so we could connect and be a couple. I highly recommend this to folks who have it within their means. Big hugs!
I showed this to my mom to try and open her eyes to the fact that just because she did it alone doesn’t mean it’s sustainable and her response ? “Oh so everyone is supposed to raise your children for you then? And my taxes have to pay for your child care? Lots of moms do this Cassie.. I did it, you can do it too.. it’s just the way it is..”
I’m going through a divorce with a 3.5 year old and no job because my abusive ex didn’t want me to work, so I’ve been out of a job for almost 5 years.
This letter hit hard… my husband (an equal partner) and I are currently in the trenches with our infant - and we only have one! Life is an exhausting hamster wheel of work, childcare and chores. We also never get any alone time (baby is a night owl and despite our best efforts won’t go to sleep till late!), evenings and weekends are spent catching up on chores and trading off childcare.
What’s worked for me to stay somewhat healthy is doing short workout videos at home. The baby either watches me, or entertains herself in the same room.
Meal prepping can help if you have storage space. Even if it’s just making a few pots of overnight oats for breakfasts.
We’ve also let our standards slip in terms of keeping the house clean and tidy. It’s not exactly gross but it’s also not getting cleaned on a weekly basis anymore!
We called that time in parenting “clean is the new hot”. The next stage is called “sleep is the new sex”.
Ugh—that so many of us experience this speaks to the politics of parenting, work, and childcare in this country. I appreciate Zawn’s advice. A couple things stuck out to me as well
—Exercise is not a hobby, as the writer seemed to phrase it. (Already out one evening a week and can’t ask for more time.) It’s essential for physical and mental health. I would consider any investment in home exercise and/or home equipment, childcare to support exercise, or getting kids involved (bikes, scooters, jogging stroller, etc.) a necessity. Both parents can benefit from this.
—“I quit going to church (it wasn’t a space kids could be).” This is not true of many churches and community spaces. I would look for a new church that welcomes children. I’m not religious and don’t attend often anymore, but any church I’ve been to lately has activities for kids, notes in the bulletin that kids and their noise are welcome, and have a nursery area for parents to drop off or attend with their young kids.
I came to say the same thing about church! If your church doesn't support children and young parents, I have a hard time understanding how they support community at all. I hope you can find a church that has a childcare option for during service or otherwise welcomes the littles in the flock.
I echo both your thoughts - couldn't walks be a whole-family thing? And how important it is. And amen to the church comment. I belong to a Unitarian Universalist congregation that offers "Kids Connection" that starts partway through the service, and it often gives a chance for older kids and younger kids to be together. I can't quite imagine why or how a church could possibly not value and welcome children, and value and support the families with children in its congregation. I have heard of such though, even among UU churches...
Letter-writer, you are working so hard! I don't have a lot to offer as a non-parent, BUT I want to share that my sister gets in regular workouts while her kids play. She works out in the basement with body weight exercises, dumbbells, and bands, following online videos by women. The kids have a play area right there so she's got her eyes on them the whole time. It might not sound like much, but when I visit and workout with her, the workouts kick my ass too!
Super helpful Zawn! I’d love more info on your routine or tips on how to set up a functional routine as I feel like my family is struggling with that.
I['m going to address this for the advice column, if that's ok!
I don’t have any advice-I struggle with the same issues, all of which are compounded by the fact that my husband’s job was very impacted by the stupid DOGE cuts and he now has inherited the workloads of multiple teams.
I am so deeply connecting to this. I see it all around us, and the reality is that folks who have got a system in place have nothing left to really support anyone outside of that. The ones who are truly falling apart are certainly being isolated and in crisis. When the stress builds over time, you will start to collapse. If you wait for this to happen, like I did, you have no choice left when you are physically disabled and have to make changes to survive.
I DONT give in to the pressures of society or schools or the people around me that are silently judging. If they have small children NOW in this economy, they get it. Sadly, even childcare providers with grown children will judge. Some parents are still in a functional zone and will judge. Honestly, my priority is keeping my children and myself happy, healthy and alive. I don’t need to fit into a box to accommodate other people’s expectations.
When your mind and body are stretched too far, your reality becomes saving yourself FOR your kids and partner. They’re much better off with a little bit less of you for a period of time than none of you for a period of time, if not forever.
Once I started weighing these things out, I really had to start making actual changes. These changes look like : letting everyone know I am not doing well, advocating for myself. Asking for help and rest. I stop myself when I start feeling anxiety or rushed to get finished with my work/free time; letting others have more time with the kids without worrying or micromanaging. I do as much as I can but I’m moving slower. I don’t maintain my home perfectly, I am consistent with daily tasks at a manageable pace and rest in between. Whatever doesn’t get done will wait. Sit in the car, stare at the wall, cry to your friend. Call in sick, don’t plan trips. Go to the local beaches and enjoy the places close to home. Usually you don’t have to go too far to enjoy an outing. Keep it easy, simple. Pull up a YouTube video of a guided meditation daily. Ten minutes a day can make such a difference. Tapping (EFT) and affirmations help. Pray, be specific about what you want and need. Addressing your needs becomes a vital part of your children’s wellness. I know it’s tough, but sometimes you have to loosen your grip on some things and tighten on others.
It is scary. Becoming ok again might require you to do some things that you’re not used to doing. But in my case, the pay off is that I’m still here for everyone at the end of the day. They need us. Our bodies are still healing, we carry a lot of weight that goes unnoticed. Don’t underestimate the care that you deserve. 💕
LW, this may be of interest:
https://thefamilycommons.substack.com/p/fair-play-didnt-work-for-me-this
I’d love to hear if anyone found this author’s idea around building community to try distribute the load *across* families useful?? Sounds like a lot of logistics but also heart warming and frees up *some* time, but still a lot of work! Some of her other articles are interesting too, but I’m not quite sure if the author would agree about general household labour inequality and it’s gendered nature…If you’re distributing the load with other families but it’s still mostly mum’s picking up the slack then it might not be that helpful, though the author suggests everyone is involved.
Also sounds like maybe this is easier when kids are a little older, maybe toddler age might not work for this?
Please, please Reader. Complete Zawn's household labor evaluation tool. This gave me pause:
"Once our toddler was born, I quit going to church (it wasn’t a space kids could be), quit going to my cycling class, quit the choir I was in, quit going on walks, quit lifting weights. I feel unable to take care of myself and like I’ve gotten so unwell."
I know you expressed guilt at wanting to add one more hobby, but remember, you gave up 5 for your children. It's not like you're asking for a 6th one to add. You're asking to get one of them back.
Would be interesting to know if hubby gave up any hobbies once kids were born…
When my kids were little my husband was a stay at home dad who did not exercise or socialize on his own. His only hobby was shopping for vinyl records or going to thrift stores (two things i didn't enjoy, especially with him). I always felt guilty about taking time for myself to exercise or socialize so I did both rarely. He never told me specifically that that I shouldn't do these things but would be very grumpy if I socialized without him (or even if I took too long running errands). When I finally gor back to exercising, I went to a class at 5.30 am so as not to inconvenience anyone (except myself and my own quality of sleep). In retrospect, I wish I had felt less guilty about taking time for myself and had talked more directly with him about what I needed, especialbecause it was so different from what he wanted for himself. I was endlessly encouraging him to socialize and get out of the house, but he never did the same for me. In the contrary, I let his moods impact taking time for myself. I wish I had realized much earlier how much my own guilt led to me not confronting this situation.
So it ended up that either you were getting far less of what you wanted/needed than he did, or else you were suffering as a result of his not sufficiently taking care of his own needs (when you were giving him ample opportunity/facilitation to do so) :(
I really feel for you; this is so hard!
Life feels like such a hamster wheel of work and kids. I used to love exercising and now am lucky to squeeze in a short walk. I’m 46 and kept thinking ‘surely it will get better’ - but then I saw a notice for a local research group wanting women in their 50s who struggle to find time to exercise for a study, and thought, nope, doesn’t look that way.
That said, on (the rare) weeks when work isn’t crazy, fitting in a walk isn’t hard. But I still don’t have the time or energy for anything further.
I don’t have much advice, other than what has already been provided - they are all fantastic ideas - for this stage of your life. But down the track there is the possibility of things easing. My kids are tween/ early teens and the investment in teaching them how to do chores is now paying off by saving me time. We also ensure we only have one after school activity a week each kid (bonus if they do the same activity at the same time/place) so I’m not driving all over the place every day.
Feel this one in my bones. My husband and I both work full time and I could have easily written this (though we only have two kids, one of whom is a toddler). It feels untenable though I'm hoping it gets easier as toddler gets older and more independent. Here is what has been helping us:
I get workouts in during my work day on the days I don't commute. 20 minute youtube videos or runs. Is it as much as I'd like to be doing? No, I used to lift heavy and run far. But it's something, for now. My employer doesn't know (I don't know that they'd care but I don't advertise it).
We have easy meals that feature every week so there's less mental load/choices around dinner (taco night, pasta night, chicken night). We cook something large on Sundays so there's leftovers for lunches or potentially a second dinner (chili, soup, casseroles, pasta bakes).
Storage options- this one sounds weird but we have a small house and buying good storage options has helped so much with clutter (ottomon with storage, tall cabinets to maximize usable space).
Hiring a cleaner - we thought we couldn't afford this but we found someone local who often just does partial cleans (like just bathrooms, or just the kitchen) which was more affordable than someone doing the whole house. She does our bathrooms and kitchen biweekly.
No kids activities yet. My eldest just turned five and she might do dance this year. I felt guilty about it for a minute and then decided I mattered more than my eldest doing tot soccer or not (on the flip side, some families find activities helpful to get out of the house/burn energy/socialize so I just want to recognize that).
I have a great partner in my husband (although he's disabled) and my children are grown and it's still a lot! Of course nothing like when they were little and we were barely surviving. But now they're young adults and need support in other ways. When ours were little, we got date nights as often as we could afford to and I think it saved our marriage so we could connect and be a couple. I highly recommend this to folks who have it within their means. Big hugs!
I showed this to my mom to try and open her eyes to the fact that just because she did it alone doesn’t mean it’s sustainable and her response ? “Oh so everyone is supposed to raise your children for you then? And my taxes have to pay for your child care? Lots of moms do this Cassie.. I did it, you can do it too.. it’s just the way it is..”
I’m going through a divorce with a 3.5 year old and no job because my abusive ex didn’t want me to work, so I’ve been out of a job for almost 5 years.