"Maybe he's neurodivergent!" Gaslighting women to excuse inequality and abuse

Emotional abuse, inequality, and maltreatment are not symptoms of any form of neurodivergence--and to imply otherwise is ableist.

Every time a woman posts to an online mom group about her do-nothing husband, who emotionally abuses her every time she asks him to deign to remember that children need food to survive, the response is the same: “Has he been screened for adult ADHD?”

Emotionally and physically abusive men get a similar treatment: “Maybe it’s autism!”

The implication, of course, is that she just has to tolerate it because he can’t change. Sometimes a therapist who has never even met a client’s spouse will tell her that he probably has ADHD or autism. Dozens of readers write me each week with this very scenario.

Neurodivergence is real, and deserves accommodations.

But most of these diagnoses are bullshit designed to support the status quo and silence women. So what do we do about it—and is neurodivergence relevant to household labor inequality?

Friends, families, and communities play an important role in convincing women to stay in exploitative relationships. Often, a woman finally realizes things are unfair, only to find that no one in her life supports her decision to demand better. Gaslighting Inequality is my series on the ways society gaslights women about their relationships. You can find the rest of the series here.