My shitty spouse is finally interested in trying. Should I stay? Feminist Advice Friday
He finally ordered the "Fair Play" card deck, just as I was hatching my plan to exit. Does this mean there's hope?
A reader asks…
I just got a notification that my husband ordered the Fair Play card deck. I know I shouldn't be at this point but I am still going to try in this marriage for at least a little longer. Has anyone gone through this deck with a partner? I've already read the book, and he wasn't very receptive at the time. The fact that he ordered the cards without my mentioning it (funnily enough, I just requested the book again from the library to copy the cards - again - and picked it up the other day)…He is out of town and couldn't have known that I did that.
My Answer
Whenever a man has a change of heart like this, my first question is always this: What changed?
This is someone who, until recently, was actively hostile to the idea of Fair Play. He was totally fine with telling you, straight up, that he was not willing to make things fair in your relationship. That’s actually worse than most men I’ve encountered. In my experience, what usually happens with Fair Play is that the man pretends to be receptive, then bows out when the book requires actually doing work—usually while making a host of excuses that blame you for the failure of equality. So in his natural state, he’s just fine with treating you as a servant.
Why has that changed? I encourage you to reflect on this. Is it possible he went snooping and discovered you were planning to leave him? Or is there a possibility that something else has inspired a true change of heart?
I think it’s far more likely that this is a last-ditch effort to get more free labor out of you. Or, as he might call it, “save the relationship.”
A lot of men do this thing where they treat a really normal and basic intervention as a dramatic grand gesture. “Maybe it’s bad enough that we should go to therapy!” “Maybe it’s time for a couples retreat!” “Maybe it’s finally time to bring in Fair Play.”
The thinking here is that the sensible interventions they’ve ignored for years are now worth it, because now they actually stand to lose something. But by the time this happens, it’s usually too late to save a profoundly broken relationship. So these interventions instead just function as carrots dangled in front of your face, encouraging you to persist a little longer and give him more free labor. He may also use the skills he learns from these interventions as a way to extract further labor. He’ll weaponize therapy-speak, for example, or use Fair Play to his advantage in some way.
And then, because he’s been willing to finally try, you might continue to try other things even after it’s clear nothing’s working. These last-ditch interventions can buy men literal years of time, all while guilting their partners about their desire to leave.
But here’s the truth: He can choose to change whether or not you are with him. He can change after you leave him, too, and try to win you back.
So proceed with your own plans. You’re unhappy. It’s not working. The best apology is changed behavior, not buying a deck of cards he’ll probably weaponize against you.
When he protests that he’s finally willing to try, remind him that he wasn’t willing to try when it mattered. And that he can still try—he’ll just have to do it without the promise of an immediate reward, and he’ll have to do it while not still getting free labor.
If he’s willing to keep trying in those circumstances, that’s the true measure of commitment. So maybe in a few years you take him back.
But for now? Proceed as if nothing is going to change, because so far nothing has.
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So. I was in a very similar situation, though not married. Back story: We moved in together right before the pandemic started, he was fired right before everything shut down, he started receiving unemployment, yada, yada, yada. Cut to a year later when the unemployment ran out, he had no savings, and I started to support the household on my income while he looked for a job. He was not willing to take “just anything” in order to help support the household and keep up on his child support, didn’t like the idea of needing to take the bus to go to a job (he sold his car and was driving me when he needed a vehicle), wasn’t willing to “take a step down” and go back to working in retail, all the while using a monthly stipend he received from an anonymous church donor for his audio visual work to buy stuff for his hobbies and occasional throw me some grocery money. 😑 Oh, and while I worked from home full-time five days a week he’d play video games and watch movies during the day, and then when I finished work I’d do the cooking and cleaning. Repeated requests for help were rebuffed with claims of depression, low self-worth, and exhaustion due to his diabetes and high blood pressure.
FINALLY he got a job two years after getting fired. I saw Eve Rodsky’s documentary. He watched it with me and agreed to do the cards with me. It was an epic failure. The weekly meetings to check in and re-deal the cards was a shit show. He spent way too much time analyzing what the cards meant. Once we divvied out the cards, I left our respective piles on the coffee table so they were visible to both of us. Every week I’d do my cards. Every Sunday night we’d meet to discuss, and 90% of the time he didn’t finish his cards. “I forgot.” “I was busy.” “I’m still trying to figure out how to fit these cards into my daily routines.” “ You need to give me grace--I’m still unlearning bad habits.” My favorite: “A year before we met I had a really bad case of the flu. I haven’t been the same since. I’m dealing with serious brain fog and should probably see a doctor.”
These cards made it worse for me. It was tangible evidence of his lack of desire to partake in household equity. I stopped initiating the Sunday meetings. It took him three weeks to finally bring it up and ask why we weren’t doing the cards. A week later o threw them in the garbage.
I write this sitting in the apartment I moved into last week. We are no longer together. I gave him a million chances to do better and he didn’t. So, I ended the relationship. He was a “nice guy.” Said the right things, proclaimed his support for women’s rights, was sensitive and cried at Pixar movies, still maintains good relationships with his exes, loves his parents, loved my boys. But I could not continue the way we were living together and I did NOT want that to be an example for my boys. It was hard to leave because I thought I found my person after going through an emotionally draining divorce. I’m still really sad and angry about all of the work I put into the relationship that wasn’t reciprocated, and often feel like I was gaslit when I tried to bring about change by asking for help. But I know I made the right choice.
The cards may work for some people, but they didn’t for me.
I gave up three extra years of my life in therapy and “trying.” While it did give me the time to get healthier and fully see him and his inability to show up , support, or deeply connect- it also gave him the chance to throw more tantrums when I decided in a calm manner, that this isn’t working for me and the kids and I’d like a divorce. We went from owning a million dollar home to a broken down rental deemed uninhabitable by the county. We now have zero assets to split besides debt and the kids. Had I walked away originally I’d have Half my house and a starter cash to restart my life. This man is a marine/fire captain. He has all the abilities to earn and not have this debt, this is a choice ( although he displays it as otherwise and blames debt on a million outside factors )
I’d recommend at bare minimum to physically separate if you choose to work on things. Work on things separately. Self work is vital for both parties but the physical space allows you time to think clearly without their crazy making, and also most these men are very very unwilling to do the work on self. They insist on couples therapy or places they can continue to manipulate the outcome.