No, it's not his 'love language,' and other harmful myths about men and sex
If sex were really about experiencing and showing love, then men wouldn't behave in such unloving ways in their quest to get more of it.
In a recent survey, I asked members of my private support group what their partners do when they decline sex. Topping the list were:
Abusive behaviors such as making threats, pouting, breaking things, or being in a bad mood for days.
Waving his genitals at her (really? wtf?)
Forcing or coercing sex
Insulting her
Many told their partners that sex is a literal, biological need, and that they would die of cancer or their balls would shrivel up and fall off if they weren’t given sex at the intervals they desire.
Other bizarre behaviors were surprisingly common: claiming that being denied sex is a violation of his human rights; trying to sneak sex while she’s sleeping; demanding polyamory and then getting angry or abusive when she says yes. Or my favorite, “bringing home a 12-inch strap-on and hoping you’ll be keen,” an answer which multiple people gave.
How very attractive.
Yet it seems like men don’t really care much about making themselves attractive to women.
No one reported that their partners talked to them about sex, asked what they were interested in, worked on becoming better at sex, sought to become a better partner, or did anything at all to make their partner feel like something other than a hole to fuck.
Something is going seriously wrong with men and their relationship to sex. And rather than correctly label these behaviors as abusive, our society has instead elected to gaslight women about what they’re experiencing, and insist that men seek sex because they want to feel loved.
That’s not what the evidence shows, and it’s time to stop pressuring women to have sex with men who fundamentally do not deserve it. Sex is not a right; women’s bodies are not men’s property, and if men want to have sex with women they should get better at it and behave in ways that actually make women want sex.
Here are the myths about men and sex that damage relationships, normalize sexual abuse, and treat women as objects.