Reader chat: Your favorite Feminist Advice Friday letter, plus a call for updates.
A reader AMA and subscriber chat
Welcome to this month’s Subscriber Chat! My monthly subscriber chat is unique because it’s the only time I allow comments from anyone, not just paid subscribers. And these comments won’t show up in your social media feeds, which means you can safely say whatever you want without your husband, mother-in-law, or boss seeing it. Feel free to comment anonymously.
This is the space to discuss whatever is on your mind, to ask for advice from the community, and to ask me anything. Consider this an AMA, where no questions are off limits. Post your questions in the comments, and I’ll answer them as time allows.
It’s time for my annual call for updates! Once a year, I update readers on how Feminist Advice Friday writers are doing. If you’ve written in at any point since the birth of this column, I’d love an update. Email them to zawn@zawn.net or zawn.liberatingmotherood@gmail.com. Updates are always anonymous, and you can include as much or as little detail as you prefer.
In the meantime, I’d love to know your favorite recent column, so share it in the comments. And feel free to also share anything you’re hoping I’ll cover soon! I’ve been inundated with requests to cover Gottman therapy, and I’ll have a column out on that topic on April 19.
Also, a reminder that if you would like to move your subscription away from Substack, and/or help sponsor a scholarship, you can support this newsletter (and get free merch!) on Patreon. Find the Liberating Motherhood Patreon here. I also just added a ton of great new t-shirts to my store. Find them here.
My kid’s eardrum ruptured, setting off an unholy chain of events that has left things in chaos, so I’ve had to hold off on posting the podcast, but it will be out imminently, and you’ll see it here first. I appreciate everyone’s patience.
All right, share your thoughts on everything in the comments!
Hi, Zawn. I am a new subscriber and feel like I’ve found the grail from which I can drink to maybe satiate my desire to grow feminist rage. I am divorced from a manchild with whom I have two teenage daughters. I have endless stories that can speak to the extent of his stunted existence (that caused me a great deal of harm) but I’ll give a quick synopsis to best illustrate: his parents (in their 70s) come every couple of months to mow his lawn (and one year to shovel the packed down snow that sat unshoveled for four weeks); his bedroom is off limits and uninhabitable because of the piles and mess and general lack of accessibility; he falls asleep in his clothes watching Fox News so he can get mad (this is his brand of liberalism); worst of all was the reason for our divorce, which was finding a trove of pictures of women who didn’t know they were having their pictures taken (myself included, in various states of dress or vulnerability). So what’s the question. The question is - my 15 and 16 year old girls live with him half time and are fully dialed in on all but the specifics of what I found. They know their dad is… not great. (“But he’s a good dad!”) They’re starting to say a lot more about how frustrating/annoying/disgusting/aggravating his ways are and my question is - how much do I agree with and validate them? I have said so many times “oh my love, I so get it” and then I think - am I putting my shit on them, as I being a bad co-parent? Should I just say “I believe you and that must be so hard”? Six years later as I realize more and more how fucking awful that marriage was and I’m mad and I think he’s harmful. But they love him and are protective of him, despite being frustrated by him. I just want to do right by my girls.
I love your posts dispelling myths that the self-help and pseudo-scientific relationship-help movement peddles ("no one is responsible for your feelings", having more "feminine energy", and the "utter bullshit of love languages"). I think women especially get caught up in this then use it invalidate our own feelings and needs ("I'm just projecting", "I need more radical self-love and it'll all be ok" etc.).
I think you could do a really funny post on so-called New Age sensitive dudes who're so "in touch with their feelings" (but can't listen to women's feelings), oh-so-delicate-manly-flowers (that can't listen to feedback and feel "hurt" easily), guys who love their (male) therapists and use it to hammer home therapy-speak ("we're unmerging - you meet your needs, I meet mine" [Fritz Perls' ideas / Gestalt prayer bleargh]).