Hi, Zawn. I am a new subscriber and feel like I’ve found the grail from which I can drink to maybe satiate my desire to grow feminist rage. I am divorced from a manchild with whom I have two teenage daughters. I have endless stories that can speak to the extent of his stunted existence (that caused me a great deal of harm) but I’ll give a quick synopsis to best illustrate: his parents (in their 70s) come every couple of months to mow his lawn (and one year to shovel the packed down snow that sat unshoveled for four weeks); his bedroom is off limits and uninhabitable because of the piles and mess and general lack of accessibility; he falls asleep in his clothes watching Fox News so he can get mad (this is his brand of liberalism); worst of all was the reason for our divorce, which was finding a trove of pictures of women who didn’t know they were having their pictures taken (myself included, in various states of dress or vulnerability). So what’s the question. The question is - my 15 and 16 year old girls live with him half time and are fully dialed in on all but the specifics of what I found. They know their dad is… not great. (“But he’s a good dad!”) They’re starting to say a lot more about how frustrating/annoying/disgusting/aggravating his ways are and my question is - how much do I agree with and validate them? I have said so many times “oh my love, I so get it” and then I think - am I putting my shit on them, as I being a bad co-parent? Should I just say “I believe you and that must be so hard”? Six years later as I realize more and more how fucking awful that marriage was and I’m mad and I think he’s harmful. But they love him and are protective of him, despite being frustrated by him. I just want to do right by my girls.
I love your posts dispelling myths that the self-help and pseudo-scientific relationship-help movement peddles ("no one is responsible for your feelings", having more "feminine energy", and the "utter bullshit of love languages"). I think women especially get caught up in this then use it invalidate our own feelings and needs ("I'm just projecting", "I need more radical self-love and it'll all be ok" etc.).
I think you could do a really funny post on so-called New Age sensitive dudes who're so "in touch with their feelings" (but can't listen to women's feelings), oh-so-delicate-manly-flowers (that can't listen to feedback and feel "hurt" easily), guys who love their (male) therapists and use it to hammer home therapy-speak ("we're unmerging - you meet your needs, I meet mine" [Fritz Perls' ideas / Gestalt prayer bleargh]).
Your writing is a breath of fresh air, every time. It’s proof I, and many other women, have been gaslit repeatedly. We are not crazy, we are not being selfish or demanding or unappreciative…we are exhausted and pissed off…and rightfully so.
I was speaking with one of my BILs recently and ran into a weird argument that I hadn't heard yet. He is a pretty intelligent person who had a rough childhood (abused by my alcoholic FIL). He's got his sh*t together, so to speak, but seems to be falling for the cult of Musk. (You can always tell, they call him Elon, like he's some kind of buddy of theirs and not a toxic billionaire manbaby who couldn't tell his own asshole from a hole in the ground, but I digress). He said that he thinks society is being "feminized" and that men aren't "masculine" anymore. He didn't mean it in the obvious red pill way, but in a more subtle (and therefore insidious) way. Like, he wrapped in the idea that we don't support each other in society and there's all this pressure to be a certain "way" and everyone is so isolated. It was almost like the language of feminism (and the rightful criticisms of society) is being co-opted by this new wave of toxic nonsense. He's in therapy, and was saying that he feels disconnected to his true self because my FIL was so terrible he shuttered away any "masculine" tendencies he might have had. He framed it like he basically missed out on being more manly because the abuse he suffered forced him to see anything masculine as bad. Our conversation was cut short, so I didn't have a lot of time to challenge some of the things he was saying, but I did get in the fact that this idealized version of hunter/gatherer societies where men hunted and women stayed home is absolute BS. I'd love to know some resources I could send to him that might gently nudge him back onto a good path. I fear people like him are especially vulnerable to the cultish nonsense of these red pill, Musk loving, racists. I like to have hope that he can still course correct.
Personally love the articles on the weapons sexist men use. They're my favourites. As for fem advice Friday, I liked the recent advice you gave a woman on coparenting and how to speak to her child about her useless ex. As well as the one about supporting a friend in an abusive relationship (I was that woman a few years back! It was so frustrating to watch my friend return to that awful relationship over and over but I stuck by her, distancing at times when all i wanted to do was shake her shoulders!). She is now free of that relationship altogether and in his new wave of hurting her after the break up, he actually let slip that he slept with a friend of hers while she was pregnant. That was the best thing he could have done because she was so hurt that I knew he nailed his coffin shut and she'd be free forever.
The only honest thing he ever told her and she even called the friend because she thought he'd lie about it just to hurt her - that's how she actually found out it was true. Said friend was dubiously toxic before this information came out so it also helped her cut close ties there.
I'd love to see an article about how men in our lives are inconsiderate in the smaller ways (for example making noise when you're sleeping even on accident but not even giving you a glance because they don't actually care if they disturbed you) and inconsistent - start doing something for a week because you kicked up a stink but then go back to their old lazy ways etc.
Thank you so much for all your work. I lived in a sexless marriage. We had sex maybe 15 times in 22 years. He denied me sex. And when he wanted it, I had to drop everything and be READY TO GO in about 30 seconds. And if I wasn’t, who knows when I would have it next?
I see so much (everywhere) about women who say “no” to sex, and so little about men who say “no” to sex & deny sex of their partner. I relate to so many of your columns. Maybe all of them! Probably all of them. I did all the cleaning, cooking, watching kids, planning, everything. He worked outside the home and ignored all of us when he was home. I was so lonely in that marriage. I also protected my kids from him (which one of them thanked me for when I left the home during the (4-year!) divorce process.
I love my kids, they love me. And I know I was sexually abused, but this kind of abuse isn’t what is commonly talked about. I was a sexual person when I met him. He was almost adequate as a lover when he chose to do it. Well, he lay there and had me do all the work. He always let me climax first, which felt like a chore, honestly. And again, this was when he was ready to go and hadn’t given me any kind of warning before that. For years / months / weeks / days / hours.
He just denied me sex. So often (we’re talking decades). I never cheated on him. Who knows if he cheated on me.
Anyway, if you’re at all able to speak about this kind of thing, too - it’s a different kind of control. He told me for 20 years “if only the house was cleaner, then I could relax and we could have sex.” And then when I was finally able to get it cleaner (despite having undiagnosed and untreated ADHD - this is another THING), he moved the goalposts on me. After 20 years of this nonsense, I finally realized “it will never be clean enough.”
Funnily (?) enough, now that I am not there & haven’t been for about 5 years, my boys are complaining about how filthy the house is. Filthy. They thank me every time they see me, for how clean I used to keep it and they see how their dad works against the idea of maintaining anything. He is disgusting.
Thank you for reading my comment and considering my request.
How can you go forward after physical violence without letting the crippling fear that he may return and harm you and your kids again, not completely overwhelm you?
My favorite column was about chronic grumpiness, and similar ones like the one about ruining vacations. A friend of mine who lurks said she really valued the Quiet Quitting your marriage one.
I personally like the several columns you have written about what men write to you/not teaching men for free anymore/why you don't care that they are mad. It's empowering to see someone call out the entitled, threatening BS and completely decenter the male tantrums without a second thought. I think there's a big step between realizing how much of it is all BS, and no longer being controlled by it. Along these lines, I could read Bad Advice Fridays every day. It's so helpful to see someone take a normal "you both need to work on this issue" or "men are just like that" take and pull on the threads until it unravels. It helps me recognize this nonsense in other contexts.
I don't remember where you wrote this, but I keep thinking about a detail you shared about having a monthly night in a hotel with your husband and having a countdown on your phone for it. I felt like this highlighted how tangible the benefit to having an equal partner is, that you remain excited about each other and prioritize each other like that.
I don't think Substack allows tags, but some way of more easily finding things on a theme would be nice. I like the way the advice Fridays are grouped and would like to have an easier time finding posts like the weapons men use (like up in the menu, not clicking around). You have some real gems for parents, on domestic labor, etc. that would be nice to read altogether.
Hi Zawn! I love your content -- so so so valuable and important as my feminism grows and grows. I am hoping you'd be willing to write about the relationship between infidelity and patriarchy -- I've seen almost nothing out there discussing this. Thank you!
I hope your child is doing much better, Zawn. Poor baby! I really likes the article about setting boundaries with a friend in an abusive relationship and the one about why everyone is obsessed with convincing women to marry. I can't wait to listen to the podcast!
I’m grieving leaving an abusive relationship and it has brought up a lot of other grief, specifically around not having children. I know that you have suffered loss, and I wonder if you would share how you cope with grief. Thank you,
After 3 highly abusive relationships in a row...I made a conscious decision to not go there again...and found an amazing partner...but boy have things changed since he started Long haul TD. Once again nothing is right...I'm raising my children ( not his bio) wrong ..I'm dealing with my asd adhd son wrong ...and how dare I ask him to help get ready for house inspection..I can't lift things alone ..I'm disabled after being hit by a car 7 years ago...
He works far too hard for me to expect any help when he is home.
And he leave for a run and he expects that I'll just fall back in line being the supportive td wife..
.I'm not I'm done , he doesn't believe 8n holiday because what would he do...idk relax, rest, read book, enjoy time with us ...no no no he won't..so I'm taking kids alone ..everyone disappointed.
We are all so tired of his constant moods and crap.
Just wanted to share that one of my favorite columns was you breaking down a word salad email you received. Seeing this translation of what is actually happening has really helped me see things more clearly in my own relationship. Would love more of those!
Hi, Zawn. I am a new subscriber and feel like I’ve found the grail from which I can drink to maybe satiate my desire to grow feminist rage. I am divorced from a manchild with whom I have two teenage daughters. I have endless stories that can speak to the extent of his stunted existence (that caused me a great deal of harm) but I’ll give a quick synopsis to best illustrate: his parents (in their 70s) come every couple of months to mow his lawn (and one year to shovel the packed down snow that sat unshoveled for four weeks); his bedroom is off limits and uninhabitable because of the piles and mess and general lack of accessibility; he falls asleep in his clothes watching Fox News so he can get mad (this is his brand of liberalism); worst of all was the reason for our divorce, which was finding a trove of pictures of women who didn’t know they were having their pictures taken (myself included, in various states of dress or vulnerability). So what’s the question. The question is - my 15 and 16 year old girls live with him half time and are fully dialed in on all but the specifics of what I found. They know their dad is… not great. (“But he’s a good dad!”) They’re starting to say a lot more about how frustrating/annoying/disgusting/aggravating his ways are and my question is - how much do I agree with and validate them? I have said so many times “oh my love, I so get it” and then I think - am I putting my shit on them, as I being a bad co-parent? Should I just say “I believe you and that must be so hard”? Six years later as I realize more and more how fucking awful that marriage was and I’m mad and I think he’s harmful. But they love him and are protective of him, despite being frustrated by him. I just want to do right by my girls.
I love your posts dispelling myths that the self-help and pseudo-scientific relationship-help movement peddles ("no one is responsible for your feelings", having more "feminine energy", and the "utter bullshit of love languages"). I think women especially get caught up in this then use it invalidate our own feelings and needs ("I'm just projecting", "I need more radical self-love and it'll all be ok" etc.).
I think you could do a really funny post on so-called New Age sensitive dudes who're so "in touch with their feelings" (but can't listen to women's feelings), oh-so-delicate-manly-flowers (that can't listen to feedback and feel "hurt" easily), guys who love their (male) therapists and use it to hammer home therapy-speak ("we're unmerging - you meet your needs, I meet mine" [Fritz Perls' ideas / Gestalt prayer bleargh]).
Your writing is a breath of fresh air, every time. It’s proof I, and many other women, have been gaslit repeatedly. We are not crazy, we are not being selfish or demanding or unappreciative…we are exhausted and pissed off…and rightfully so.
In addition to leaving an abusive marriage, what would you prescribe as steps to healing?
I was speaking with one of my BILs recently and ran into a weird argument that I hadn't heard yet. He is a pretty intelligent person who had a rough childhood (abused by my alcoholic FIL). He's got his sh*t together, so to speak, but seems to be falling for the cult of Musk. (You can always tell, they call him Elon, like he's some kind of buddy of theirs and not a toxic billionaire manbaby who couldn't tell his own asshole from a hole in the ground, but I digress). He said that he thinks society is being "feminized" and that men aren't "masculine" anymore. He didn't mean it in the obvious red pill way, but in a more subtle (and therefore insidious) way. Like, he wrapped in the idea that we don't support each other in society and there's all this pressure to be a certain "way" and everyone is so isolated. It was almost like the language of feminism (and the rightful criticisms of society) is being co-opted by this new wave of toxic nonsense. He's in therapy, and was saying that he feels disconnected to his true self because my FIL was so terrible he shuttered away any "masculine" tendencies he might have had. He framed it like he basically missed out on being more manly because the abuse he suffered forced him to see anything masculine as bad. Our conversation was cut short, so I didn't have a lot of time to challenge some of the things he was saying, but I did get in the fact that this idealized version of hunter/gatherer societies where men hunted and women stayed home is absolute BS. I'd love to know some resources I could send to him that might gently nudge him back onto a good path. I fear people like him are especially vulnerable to the cultish nonsense of these red pill, Musk loving, racists. I like to have hope that he can still course correct.
Personally love the articles on the weapons sexist men use. They're my favourites. As for fem advice Friday, I liked the recent advice you gave a woman on coparenting and how to speak to her child about her useless ex. As well as the one about supporting a friend in an abusive relationship (I was that woman a few years back! It was so frustrating to watch my friend return to that awful relationship over and over but I stuck by her, distancing at times when all i wanted to do was shake her shoulders!). She is now free of that relationship altogether and in his new wave of hurting her after the break up, he actually let slip that he slept with a friend of hers while she was pregnant. That was the best thing he could have done because she was so hurt that I knew he nailed his coffin shut and she'd be free forever.
The only honest thing he ever told her and she even called the friend because she thought he'd lie about it just to hurt her - that's how she actually found out it was true. Said friend was dubiously toxic before this information came out so it also helped her cut close ties there.
I'd love to see an article about how men in our lives are inconsiderate in the smaller ways (for example making noise when you're sleeping even on accident but not even giving you a glance because they don't actually care if they disturbed you) and inconsistent - start doing something for a week because you kicked up a stink but then go back to their old lazy ways etc.
Thank you so much for all your work. I lived in a sexless marriage. We had sex maybe 15 times in 22 years. He denied me sex. And when he wanted it, I had to drop everything and be READY TO GO in about 30 seconds. And if I wasn’t, who knows when I would have it next?
I see so much (everywhere) about women who say “no” to sex, and so little about men who say “no” to sex & deny sex of their partner. I relate to so many of your columns. Maybe all of them! Probably all of them. I did all the cleaning, cooking, watching kids, planning, everything. He worked outside the home and ignored all of us when he was home. I was so lonely in that marriage. I also protected my kids from him (which one of them thanked me for when I left the home during the (4-year!) divorce process.
I love my kids, they love me. And I know I was sexually abused, but this kind of abuse isn’t what is commonly talked about. I was a sexual person when I met him. He was almost adequate as a lover when he chose to do it. Well, he lay there and had me do all the work. He always let me climax first, which felt like a chore, honestly. And again, this was when he was ready to go and hadn’t given me any kind of warning before that. For years / months / weeks / days / hours.
He just denied me sex. So often (we’re talking decades). I never cheated on him. Who knows if he cheated on me.
Anyway, if you’re at all able to speak about this kind of thing, too - it’s a different kind of control. He told me for 20 years “if only the house was cleaner, then I could relax and we could have sex.” And then when I was finally able to get it cleaner (despite having undiagnosed and untreated ADHD - this is another THING), he moved the goalposts on me. After 20 years of this nonsense, I finally realized “it will never be clean enough.”
Funnily (?) enough, now that I am not there & haven’t been for about 5 years, my boys are complaining about how filthy the house is. Filthy. They thank me every time they see me, for how clean I used to keep it and they see how their dad works against the idea of maintaining anything. He is disgusting.
Thank you for reading my comment and considering my request.
How can you go forward after physical violence without letting the crippling fear that he may return and harm you and your kids again, not completely overwhelm you?
My favorite column was about chronic grumpiness, and similar ones like the one about ruining vacations. A friend of mine who lurks said she really valued the Quiet Quitting your marriage one.
I personally like the several columns you have written about what men write to you/not teaching men for free anymore/why you don't care that they are mad. It's empowering to see someone call out the entitled, threatening BS and completely decenter the male tantrums without a second thought. I think there's a big step between realizing how much of it is all BS, and no longer being controlled by it. Along these lines, I could read Bad Advice Fridays every day. It's so helpful to see someone take a normal "you both need to work on this issue" or "men are just like that" take and pull on the threads until it unravels. It helps me recognize this nonsense in other contexts.
I don't remember where you wrote this, but I keep thinking about a detail you shared about having a monthly night in a hotel with your husband and having a countdown on your phone for it. I felt like this highlighted how tangible the benefit to having an equal partner is, that you remain excited about each other and prioritize each other like that.
I don't think Substack allows tags, but some way of more easily finding things on a theme would be nice. I like the way the advice Fridays are grouped and would like to have an easier time finding posts like the weapons men use (like up in the menu, not clicking around). You have some real gems for parents, on domestic labor, etc. that would be nice to read altogether.
Hi Zawn! I love your content -- so so so valuable and important as my feminism grows and grows. I am hoping you'd be willing to write about the relationship between infidelity and patriarchy -- I've seen almost nothing out there discussing this. Thank you!
I hope your child is doing much better, Zawn. Poor baby! I really likes the article about setting boundaries with a friend in an abusive relationship and the one about why everyone is obsessed with convincing women to marry. I can't wait to listen to the podcast!
Hi Zawn,
I’m grieving leaving an abusive relationship and it has brought up a lot of other grief, specifically around not having children. I know that you have suffered loss, and I wonder if you would share how you cope with grief. Thank you,
Joy
After 3 highly abusive relationships in a row...I made a conscious decision to not go there again...and found an amazing partner...but boy have things changed since he started Long haul TD. Once again nothing is right...I'm raising my children ( not his bio) wrong ..I'm dealing with my asd adhd son wrong ...and how dare I ask him to help get ready for house inspection..I can't lift things alone ..I'm disabled after being hit by a car 7 years ago...
He works far too hard for me to expect any help when he is home.
And he leave for a run and he expects that I'll just fall back in line being the supportive td wife..
.I'm not I'm done , he doesn't believe 8n holiday because what would he do...idk relax, rest, read book, enjoy time with us ...no no no he won't..so I'm taking kids alone ..everyone disappointed.
We are all so tired of his constant moods and crap.
Zawn you are my Esteemed Professor and I just learned about the 4B movement tonight. A penny for your thoughts
Just wanted to share that one of my favorite columns was you breaking down a word salad email you received. Seeing this translation of what is actually happening has really helped me see things more clearly in my own relationship. Would love more of those!